A Letter To My Sister


Dear Ashley,

I am sitting here while the boys sleep and I was thinking about your faith.  I know that you want to be just like me, o.k. well you ARE just like me and that makes me proud. I am proud that I have done enough in your 12 years (hee! hee!) o.k., o.k. 13 years here on this Earth to have made an impression on you. I hope that I can teach you many things about life and I hope that when you are old enough to understand them all that you will be guided as I have been. When I was little Grandma (Dads mom, whom you were never given the honor of meeting) used to take me to church every Sunday. At the time, it did not impact me as it should have. Instead, I would moan and groan that I wanted to be outside playing. Then we lost her. I lost my Mom. I lost Grandpa (who you did get the honor of meeting and I hope our final moments with him left an impression on you) and I began to wonder about life after death but it never really hit me until I became a Mommy. What happens when we are gone...
Now I have lost baby Tadem and in the depths of my grief I needed more than ever something to believe in.  
What I am saying is you are going to see me writing a lot more about my faith, about God and prayer.  I have never been a person to share my beliefs with others. I have always believed and I have always prayed but I did so in silence. I want you to understand that through Tadems passing I will no longer be hiding my belief.  I believe there is a God and I do intend to begin taking the boys to church when they are a bit older.  
When you think about life, it really is so very short. You never know at any moment when it will be over. This is not to scare you, this is simply to remind you that once we are gone we go to heaven.  We will be greeted by all those we have lost.  I want you whenever you are ready to find your faith.  You are a deep person as am I and you have two amazing parents. However, they both do not talk much about their faith in God. Daddy believes he just does so in private and that is where I learned to do it also.  CHRISTmas!  Christmas is not about presents and money. It is about Christ. It makes me sad that in the midst of all things material we have forgotten the meaning of the holiday and that is what drove me to write you this letter.  If you have questions, ask me. If you are unsure, that is o.k too. I just wanted you to know that I have faith and although I have never been forthcoming in sharing it with you, it's been there all along. I believe Tadem is in heaven surrounded by Gods everlasting love and am grateful for that.  
You are young and time will allow you to soak all of this in!  I haven't changed any, I am just sharing a private side of myself with you.  I wanted you to understand when I write what I write that it is a part of me I hope you aspire to be like one day and if you don't I will love you just the same.  You are an amazing sister, wise beyond your years in some areas. I am so grateful you are such an intricate part of our family and that the boys will know you so well growing up. Thank you for all you have ever done for me, thank you for looking up to me and wanting to be like me.  It is an honor to be your sister. 

Love you mean it,
Jenn

Comments

Anonymous said…
That sure means a lot! You are such a great sister!
December 23, 2008 at 4:43 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Happy One Month Birthday Baby Boy

Image
Today our son turns one month old!  There were days when I was still pregnant with him that we were not sure he would be alive to see this day. God, has blessed us. He is here. He is perfect. He is fighting the biggest fight of his life.  Just as sure as the H (home) word was mentioned to us as a possibility in a couple of weeks yesterday, I in turn, got the phone call at 2 a.m. this morning that his heart is struggling.  His heart is working so hard to keep going. It is a delicate balance. One day everything looks picture perfect and hours later it all changes.  I am working on not looking to far down the road, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one prayer at a time. Today our son turns one month old and the alternative makes me realize that I/we can do this. Even though there will be many tears through out this, many angry days, sad ones and joyful ones. I do believe that God has a plan for us and for our son and as we wait to learn what that plan is, I am finding a patience I ha
Read more

And he's off

Paxton is out of surgery and recovering. He is heavily sedated as of now, but all went well and doctors are happy with the repair. God is good! Prayers were answered. Today is a damn good, beautiful day. I will update more later. Thank you all for walking this journey beside us ! Update 8:10 am. Just got call they have made the first incision and are working through scar tissue now. He is stable and doing awesome. 7:20 am They have taken Paxton back to the OR. I will update when I know more. Please pray for my boy. ~j
Read more

Stream Of Consciousness

Image
I honestly didn’t realize until today why I have been the weepy mess that I have been these last few weeks. I thought I was tired.  I thought well you have five kids and lots to remember. I am prone to anxiety. I worry to much which is definitely nothing new.  I attributed the constant crying to all things other than the obvious, which after ten years one would think I would have down by now.   It’s February.   It is heart month and I don’t mean cupid.  It is real heart month.   The hearts who are sick, broken, healing, or in heaven… We honor, celebrate, recognize and weep over all things Congenital Heart Defects.  I used to be able to post a lot more about it.  I used to write a lot more about it, but I have found as time goes on that well… I don’t have a ton of time for it, but also I think I’ve been avoiding it as well… because after 10 years… words don't come to me like they used to…there is just no time line and I haven’t been able to sit down to write lik
Read more