Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Today was a hard day.  We are having a garage sale this weekend and in doing so I have been going through things in the house deciding what to sell. I found my memory boxes for the boys and went through them.  I looked at their ultrasound pictures and looked at what they were at 17 weeks and what Tadem should have been.  I miss Tadem, I miss what should have been, I miss my belly. I should be feeling kicks and hiccups by now, instead I am empty.  I know Tadem is in a better place, its just that on the bad days I get selfish and want my baby back.  I now carry fear about pregnancy where once there was joy.  I wish on my star each night that I won't lose another baby.  Everyone continues on and every day I grieve, silently.  I have two perfect children and they bring me happiness each day and I know without a shadow of a doubt how blessed I am. I just need the world to realize that just because I have two perfect children does not mean that Tadem meant any less to me.  That was my child and I love that child like I love my boys. I always will.  I know that one day we will meet again. In the meantime I must continue on with my work here on Earth.  I must continue to raise my boys and do all that I can to keep them safe and healthy. I want to watch them grow up and have children of their own. If I can have that, my life will be fulfilled...

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