Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Years Eve

It's New Years Eve Day and I am going out for a night on the town with our friends. I am really just wanting to stay home and be with my boys but I know that would not go over well with Dave. In any case, I wanted to wish everyone a very Happy New Year! I just cannot believe it's 2009 already! Where does the time go? I feel like all of the years past are parts of a movie that I played in. I know I was there but it seems so long ago.
At midnight tonight, I will kiss my "honey" and thank him for this blessed life that he has chosen to give and share with me. I will thank him for our boys and all that he has done for me. I will ask God for health, safety and peace for our family in the coming year!
I am excited to see what 2009 has in store for us. As each day unfolds, I can only be grateful for my past and hopeful for our future.

Happy New Year Friends! CHEERS to all that lies ahead!

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Monday, December 29, 2008

What a "SWEET" Day!

WE DID IT! Well actually my husband did it! We just signed on our new house today! It is officially OUR new home! Our plans are to be moved in and somewhat settled by January 20th! Ahh, the list of things to do! You see, we have been house hunting for some time now and for whatever reason each time we chose, made a decision or were ready to go on a particular house coincidentally it was bought, pending or on fire! No just kidding! I now realize that is because we were meant to be in the home we purchased today. That being said, I sort of checked out of the whole house hunting/buying thing because I didn't want to be disappointed again. I would go look and give my thoughts but when Dave and I walked into this house we sort of looked at each other and just knew. Its perfect for us, in an amazing neighborhood, with great schools! I left all of the details to Dave and helped where I could but I knew how hard it is to get loans right now. So I hoped and prayed but knew that what was really important in life was our kids and our health. That being said, I am so excited because its our first house together! The house we are currently in was Dave's before we met. In buying this new house I feel like its ours and we can watch the boys grow up in it with only our history there. So now begins the packing, the paint swatches, the cleaning, the stress but all so very worth it. I am very proud of us. I am proud of my husband, he worked so hard for this, he jumped through many many hoops to get financed in this economy and he did it! My friends, welcome us to our new home, what a "SWEET" day.

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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Tails And Tractors

I just got back from a girls evening out while Dave spent some "Man Time" with the boys. My sister, my cousin, my aunt and my mother all went to see the movie Marley and Me. For starters, good lord don't you just love Jennifer Aniston. Ugh, she is so perfect! The movie was fantastic. My sister was right, it really did remind me of my life. They have a crazy dog (Marley), we have two! They had a miscarriage, we did too! They wind up with three kids; two boys and a girl! We have two boys and are trying for a girl! Her name is Jennie and duh so is mine! She stays home and yep you guessed it, so do I =) The whole film just had an amazing resemblance to my life! I wish I could say that I look like Jennifer Aniston did in the movie too but really that would just be pushing it, hee! hee! I did well. I did not cry. I prepared myself before the movie knowing that it would be a tear jerker and the preparation kept me from dissolving into a puddle in public. In any case, I did come home and love on my crazy, obnoxious golden retrievers and I am reminded that no matter how crazy life gets, these silly two mutts at my feet will love me til the day I die no matter what!

I left this afternoon around 2 and the boys were still napping and gosh I just miss them terribly. I don't like not getting to feed them dinner or put them to bed. Some days when I am with them, I long for a little me time and then the moment I get it all I want is to be home with my boys, all of them. The grass is NOT greener. I just love them so much and even though I had a blast and still need to do it more for myself, I just hate missing one moment of their lives. I am so silly, I know but they grow up so fast and I just want to be around for every moment!

Yesterday we went to a little post Christmas party for the kids and the boys had so much fun. It was at a house with a lot of property and Austin just ran around with Aunt "Ashwee" going from tractor to four wheeler to whatever vessel with wheels he could get his hands onto. He loves all things transportation! Mae Mae crawled around in the grass. He still isn't sure what to make of the prickly green stuff when it touches his hands but he sucked it up and played with the soccer ball and a found a friend or two! He looked so beautiful sitting in the sunshine under a big tree taking it all in.

I say it every day and I guess because it is SO true, but I am so blessed! I am so grateful to come home to my family with all of its chaos and laundry and dog hair! My sister gave me a Life Is Good shirt for Christmas, I happen to be wearing it and yes my life is SO good! Thank you Lord for our health, our safety and our love!

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Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas To All And To All A Good Night

Well, Christmas has nearly come and gone. It was a whirlwind of visiting friends and family. The boys are beyond exhausted. Being out late has made for tired and cranky kids especially since we are all fighting colds at the moment. I think Austin started to get the idea of presents this year, however once he opened one he was only interested in that ONE toy and didn't realize there were more to be had =) Mason didn't really seem to care to much. He opened a present or two but I don't think he really "got it" yet. He had more fun with a roll of paper towels he found in the laundry room than with any of the presents. Next year will be loads of fun as they will have both matured more. I enjoyed the company and of course the food. I think I have gained 10 pounds in the last 24 hours alone. Good thing I bought Dave a treadmill for Christmas. I will be needing it. As stressful as it was at times with the boys being so out of their routines, I would just take a deep breath and remember that I will miss all of the tantrums and chaos one day. I can say that I love the holiday season and can't wait until the boys are older and I can get SO into the season that it drives everyone nuts!
In closing I am so grateful for my family, my perfect boys and this beautiful life I have been blessed with. Cheers to a 2009 just as wonderful (with more to add to the mix = )

We also attempted to go to Christmas Eve service at the boys church. Umm, it did not go so well! I was sweating bullets, no really my armpits were soaked simply trying to calm the boys down and distract them. Austin was screaming "bye bye" at the top of his lungs for all to hear, so I took him outside for a break and then Mason immediately had a meltdown because Austin and I had left. I wanted to give that time to who it belonged but with two children under two it just wasn't possible. We will try again next year or only go when the nursery is open. I think God understood, my kids were definitely screaming loud enough for him to hear.

Until next year, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I Saw God Today

Ever since we lost Tadem, the one thing that bothers me the most is that I don't know if he was a he or she. I just wanted to know so badly and we were unable to find out since "he" passed without our knowledge. So, I have been praying about it. I have asked God to give me a sign, if He felt that was o.k. I told Him that I wanted to know so I had one more finite thing to give to Tadems memory. Some closure...

I have started to listen to Christian music. Thanks to Angie over at Bring The Rain, I found some wonderful songs that I can relate to and I downloaded them from I tunes. (Seriously, is there anything better than I tunes) Today was the first day that I put the cd in the car and played it for the boys. Not a peep! Not a single word from either of them. I sang to the boys and they listened!
As I sang these beautiful songs, I literally cannot explain what came over me, all I know is that I had goose bumps from head to toe and for an instant I felt a peace I have never known. As I stayed in this moment of pure joy, I looked toward the sky and there was a star shaped BLUE ballon floating towards heaven...............

If any of you have read my blog, you know that we had a star named in memory of Tadem, so that was a sign to me.
It was blue, another sign.
I was singing Christian music to my boys and to our Lord for the first time and literally felt His presence in that very ordinary moment in my car, another sign.

To some people this all seems obscene but to those who have been there, you know the feeling I am talking about. It's almost like a smidge of heaven and its gone before you know it.
God came to me today just as I have been coming to Him since the very day I found out my baby had gone to be with Him. He filled me up and let me know He was there and He answered the burning question I have been praying about for nearly two months now.

That star shaped, blue ballon floating towards Heaven was Gods way of telling me that Tadem is a boy. I say is, because HE, is very much alive in heaven.

It's hard to explain moments like that to people, how you just know. And I just knew. I took that very fleeting moment and tucked it away in my memory bank.

I realized today, Tadem's purpose. He was given to me and then taken away all to bring me closer to God.

Tadem was my teacher and he never even set foot on this Earth or took one single breath. Yet, he taught one person and I hope many others the power of faith, the power of prayer and the power of love.

Although my dreams with Tadem were cut short, I know there was a powerful purpose behind his passing. I know that we will be reunited with each other in heaven, where the most glorious teacher taught him and awaits me.

Yes, my friends, I SAW GOD TODAY...

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Monday, December 22, 2008

Not Me Mondays

Not me Mondays, how wonderful it feels to just tell it like it isn't ; )

I did not let my children play in bed for an hour because I was just to lazy to get up, NOT ME!

I did not get my kids completely dressed in short and t's only to step outside and realize it was cold, then turn around and change them again into warm clothes. I did not!

I did not allow my children to have a chocolate milkshake at 10:30 this morning, nope NOT ME!

I will not add my post to McMamas blog at #148 in hopes that somebody, anybody might enjoy my blog as much as I do. I will do NO such thing!

I will not buy anything other than what is on the Christmas list while I am out shopping (alone) this afternoon. I will NOT add anything else no matter what I find or how on sale it is. I will NOT!

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

My Faith

(You will understand later in the blog why this picture of my HUGE belly is here)

I got to sleep in today, until 9:30. Can I tell you how amazing that was! 

So, yesterday I bought my first bible.  It was a very personal decision for me and  I did so on my own. I really don't think I have even told anyone yet.  I have always had my faith, at times not as I should have, but it was there nonetheless.  Only now I would like to learn more. There are many, many unanswered questions that I have. Each time I pick up the Bible, I am highly overwhelmed, but I chose to take the plunge.  I hope whether I "get it" or not, that God will praise me for trying. I am hoping to find a person that might be able to answer my questions without me feeling insecure and dumb. I feel like at 29 years old that I should know all that I need to know, but I don't. I know that each day is a chance to learn more, to be more, to give more to others and to the Lord.  My life is busy and there are times where I don't even get a chance to give to him what I should. There are nights where my hands are folded in prayer and I wind up falling asleep mid sentence.  I wake up feeling extremely guilty and remind myself that today is a new day.  

I am currently reading the book 90 minutes in heaven. What a beautifully written and moving book! I haven't finished it but I have read nearly all of it in two days!  I have a lot of worries about life after death. I know that if I give myself over to the Lord completely then I will have nothing to worry about. I have to be honest though, I don't know that I can EVER not worry about leaving my boys or my husband behind! I know that once you are in heaven you don't have a sense of what you have left behind but I never, ever want my boys to be without me or vice versa. I need a lot of help in that area!  I love my boys (all three of them)  more than any human words can ever describe and my biggest fear is to leave them or lose them.  However, in reading the book 90 minutes in heaven, I have a bit of comfort knowing heaven is perfect beyond any human description and that when we are there we don't feel the loss of what we left behind.  I needed to know that and I believe it! The hardest part is to give myself completely to the unknown and to trust in that.  Then I think, deeply, about life and how unexplainable and amazing it is!  The simple fact that my husband and I can love each other enough to make a baby and have it grow in my belly is quite frankly unexplainable and a plain miracle to me. (See picture! An absolute miracle!) Therefore, anything in the afterlife is quite possibly just as amazing!

So, its a deep blog, but it is Sunday and I am going through some life changes. I  know they are all for the better, I just hope that everyone around me will support these changes! 

A friend gave me a card with this written on it after I lost Tadem; it's on my fridge:

Trust in HIS timing
Rely on HIS promises
Wait for HIS answers
Believe in HIS miracles
Rejoice in HIS goodness
Relax in HIS presence

Come near to God and he will come near to you.

James 4:8

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Good Friends

Ok so thanks to one of my favorite friends Eileen, I now LOVE, LOVE, LOVE appletinis!  We got together for the first time in over a year. Seriously my friends, its been a year and I just love her! We live like 10 miles apart and we just haven't gotten together and we don't know why. So we met at Brio last night and picked up exactly where we left off. That's why I love her!  Not one uncomfortable, oh crap what am I gonna say next moment the entire time. As I mentioned last night, I would surely come home having peed my pants!  Well I DID almost did! She just friggin makes me laugh and loudly!  She gets it! That doesn't happen often for me, oh' and if she wasn't funny enough, she LOVES rap music ( my love for rap music is a dirty little secret of mine) Hello, woman after my own heart! Oh' AND she loves to shake her money maker dance and to rap music! Forget it! Friend soul mates forever ; ) Anyway, we had a blast and I am soooo hoping New Years pans out and they can join us!  

Also, Grammy Cindy came to visit us today! I just LOVE her too! She is just so easy to be around! She gets me and always has! I so wish she were here when we lost Tadem! She knows what to say and when to say it. She knows that sometimes I just need to cry and she knows sometimes I need to be told to buck up! She is the Ma Ma I have never had and I just wish she were closer!  Love you Grammy!

So, today I started putting Austin in his big boy pants. I want to get him potty trained but he doesn't seem to want to actually SIT on the potty! Um, that is the biggest part of it right? He is 28 months old and I would like to get one out of diapers!  So I have started to put him in the pants where he can actually feel the wetness and I hope this motivates him to go where he is supposed to. SOOOO, within the first 5 minutes he proceeded to have a blow out! I mean full blown diarrhea in his new big boy pants, luckily I caught it right away. Except there was one dilemma! How do you get the big boy pants with the poopy OFF without dragging it down his legs the entire way. Um' you can't! I literally smeared it all over trying to get them off. So for now I don't know how this will go but we are going to give it our best shot!  

Mason is turning into a Ma Ma's boy! He wants me to hold him all the time and I am SO o.k. with that! I love to hold that 30 lb. bundle of love!  He is almost walking, trying harder and harder every day and loves to go around the house and pull everything off of everything. Towels off the stove, clothes off the chair, anything and everything he sees is free game (see pic) My day consists of walking behind Mason and cleaning up the trail he leaves behind.  Wouldn't change it for the world!

In closing tonight, I am thankful for great friends, for my beautiful boys and my loving husband! I look forward to Dave's whole week off to spend with us and enjoying the holidays as a family with our family!  

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Today was Austin's Christmas party at school. I volunteered to be room Mom to help! At first it didn't go well and I was thinking good Lord why did I say I would do this please let this pass. Austin was freaking out because when I typically come to school it's to pick him up and leave. Exactly what he wants! Today, he couldn't grasp the concept that we were staying for a party together.  So I ignored him and after awhile he decided to join in on the fun!  I just wanted to say that it was so much fun to watch him get involved. It was amazing to me to watch him sprinkle his cookie, o.k. pour the entire bottle of sprinkles on his cookie because I was to busy taking a picture to notice but whatever! It was mind blowing how quickly my first born is growing up!  I was driving home today after the party and I passed my old job, that I really did love.  However, I normally don't go that way but I believe God put me on the path to pass my old job to remind me how blessed I am. I am blessed because I was able to be at that party with my son today. There are millions of parents who work so hard and aren't able to take the time off to share in those precious, fleeting moments with their children. I immediately texted Dave to thank him for working so hard so that I can stay home with our boys and I reminded him, as I always do, that I am forever grateful.  He texted me back, no I am forever grateful...

Being a SAHM can be monotonous and lonely at times. There are days where you would give a kidney to talk to an adult but it truly is the most rewarding job EVER!  There may be days or weeks where you don't see the reward immediately as you might at a clinic or hospital but the rewards are ten fold when they come. To see Mason take 10 steps to the dishwasher or scream at me that he wants a "nak" (snack! what's new =). To watch Austin open his present from Santa or give both his teachers huge hugs before he left was my reward. I am teaching my children how to live in this world and ultimately that is my "job." Thank you to my "huuunnny" for giving me the ultimate gift; the chance to stay home with our children.

Also thank you to my "huuunnny" for watching the boys tonight while I go out for "appies" and wine with my hilarious friend Eileen. I will surely come home having peed my pants!  

Life is good!

P.S.  As for the pics~ 

Pic # 1) Holy red sprinkle stained hands, mouth and very expensive "on sale" Gap shirt so it doesn't matter! 

Pic #2) The whole bottle of sprinkles thing I mentioned earlier. Once his hand is out of the way you would see an entire mountain of red sprinkles on the plate. Oops!

Pic #3) Seriously, can you stand the tiny table and chairs and all of those adorable children gathered round.  Jake and Lanie are in there too, as previously mentioned those are Austin's best friends, so he tells me!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A Letter To My Sister

Dear Ashley,

I am sitting here while the boys sleep and I was thinking about your faith.  I know that you want to be just like me, o.k. well you ARE just like me and that makes me proud. I am proud that I have done enough in your 12 years (hee! hee!) o.k., o.k. 13 years here on this Earth to have made an impression on you. I hope that I can teach you many things about life and I hope that when you are old enough to understand them all that you will be guided as I have been. When I was little Grandma (Dads mom, whom you were never given the honor of meeting) used to take me to church every Sunday. At the time, it did not impact me as it should have. Instead, I would moan and groan that I wanted to be outside playing. Then we lost her. I lost my Mom. I lost Grandpa (who you did get the honor of meeting and I hope our final moments with him left an impression on you) and I began to wonder about life after death but it never really hit me until I became a Mommy. What happens when we are gone...
Now I have lost baby Tadem and in the depths of my grief I needed more than ever something to believe in.  
What I am saying is you are going to see me writing a lot more about my faith, about God and prayer.  I have never been a person to share my beliefs with others. I have always believed and I have always prayed but I did so in silence. I want you to understand that through Tadems passing I will no longer be hiding my belief.  I believe there is a God and I do intend to begin taking the boys to church when they are a bit older.  
When you think about life, it really is so very short. You never know at any moment when it will be over. This is not to scare you, this is simply to remind you that once we are gone we go to heaven.  We will be greeted by all those we have lost.  I want you whenever you are ready to find your faith.  You are a deep person as am I and you have two amazing parents. However, they both do not talk much about their faith in God. Daddy believes he just does so in private and that is where I learned to do it also.  CHRISTmas!  Christmas is not about presents and money. It is about Christ. It makes me sad that in the midst of all things material we have forgotten the meaning of the holiday and that is what drove me to write you this letter.  If you have questions, ask me. If you are unsure, that is o.k too. I just wanted you to know that I have faith and although I have never been forthcoming in sharing it with you, it's been there all along. I believe Tadem is in heaven surrounded by Gods everlasting love and am grateful for that.  
You are young and time will allow you to soak all of this in!  I haven't changed any, I am just sharing a private side of myself with you.  I wanted you to understand when I write what I write that it is a part of me I hope you aspire to be like one day and if you don't I will love you just the same.  You are an amazing sister, wise beyond your years in some areas. I am so grateful you are such an intricate part of our family and that the boys will know you so well growing up. Thank you for all you have ever done for me, thank you for looking up to me and wanting to be like me.  It is an honor to be your sister. 

Love you mean it,

Once again

Once again I am writing about my boys. Keep in mind that I spend all day, every day with them so virtually everything I encounter has in some way to do with them. Aren't I blessed to spend all of my moments with them...

We went and got the boys hair cut today.  Austin did amazingly well, had you been there last time, you would know I was breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it praying for a more pleasant experience this time around.  It turns out that Austin had a truck, well actually I bought the truck to bribe him to be good but anyway,  it turns out that when Masons turn came around he decided that Mason needed the truck to make his hair cut  endurable too. So Austin once again, said in a very stern voice to get his brothers attention "Mae Mae!" and handed his brother the truck.  As much as Austin snatches, steals and kicks his brother, he turns around and loves him just the same. It's really very priceless and I just tuck all of these sweet moments away in my memory bank so I can look back on them when I am old and gray. Oh' wait, forget the gray part I have already started. 

Also my friend, Red Tide, came to visit for the first time since I found out I was pregnant with Tadem. Bittersweet. It reminded me that I shouldn't be getting my period as I am supposed to be 6 months pregnant. Then I remembered that I should be getting my period because that is Gods plan for me. Tadem is in heaven with Grandma and Gramps and getting my period means we can start trying again soon.  I am a wreck to be pregnant again.  I want it so badly yet I am scared to death and here is why:
I have been using an online support group to help me through this miscarriage. In doing so, it led me to many, many others that have endured so much more than I ever even knew possible. Suddenly my grief for Tadem seems selfish but I know in reality that it is not.  These Mothers and families that have endured illness in their child throughout their pregnancies and carried the babies to term only to have two or three precious hours with their child. I cannot even begin to imagine.  In some ways, I am jealous, I would love to have met our baby and in others I am grateful to have been spared that depth of grief. In reading their stories I look at my boys and relish every mess, tantrum and sleepless night that I am blessed to have with them. However, I am scared to death to get pregnant again. All of the neonatal illnesses I never even knew existed. One more worry to add to my millions already.  Once again, I remind myself that I must leave my journey in the hands of the Lord and pray that we are blessed once more.
 I just want to give thanks for my beautiful boys and my very, very forgiving handsome, charming and perfect (even when he's not) husband.  As Christmas rolls near I wonder where we will be next year at this time... I pray for health, safety and love as we continue on this blessed journey called life.    

Whew! I just got home from a mad dash to get toilet paper. No lie! We were completely out, like peel the last off the cardboard roll out!  Those of you who know my husband know that he is very particular about his toilet paper. Like, when we go on vacation the first stop is to get Charmin in the "purple package." So needless to say he was completely freaked out when he realized we were out of t.p. 
Diapers, always on hand! Wipes, always on hand!  Wine, always on hand. Toilet paper....not so much!

Tomorrow Santa is coming to Austin's school. I am room Mom for the party. YAY!  I look forward to seeing Austin's reaction given that he completely freaked out when I turned the stroller toward him in the mall. So it will be interesting to say the least! 

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Starlight Starbright

Tadem West is now officially the name of a star. The Stellar Star Registry has named a star (coordinates and all, but way to complicated for us to interpret) after our precious baby! I can now look in the sky and know that one of those beautiful stars is my baby shining down on me each and every night.  I like to think that the star I wish on every night (as previously mentioned, yes I wish on a star each night, and yes its the "first star I see tonight" for those of you who know the saying = ) just so happens to be Tadems. Until we meet again, Tadem will be shining down on our family and guiding us through out our days.  How lucky are we....

Monday, December 15, 2008

3 Wonderful Moments From My Day

1.) Ok so today as we were getting into the car, Austin realized that his brother Mason did not have a paci, so he climbed into the car on Masons side as I buckled him in. Austin stopped and said 

"Mae Mae!" then he proceeded to put his paci into his brothers mouth.  A puddle! That's what I turned into.  It was such a tender moment between brothers.  

2.) My "Honey" ( I say it in quotes because Dave and I call each other that and Austin took a liking to it too. Only he says it more like "huuunnnyyy") So anyway, my "Honey" wrote me an email and I have copied and pasted it below:


See there's the "Honey" I told you about. How sweet is that??? 

3.) Watching Mason walk about 50 feet from me to the slide!  He was so determined to be a big boy and he put his mind to it and did it! Watching Austin eat his cookie and then trying to get the melted chocolate off his hands. He has a clean hand fetish like I do. He was wiping his hands on his face and shirt to try and get the chocolate off only to smear it around more. It was priceless.  

(FYI technically that is 4 but I never have a Mason moment without an Austin moment or vice versa. The two of them sort of come as a package. A very loud and demanding but beautiful package)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Looong Weekend

Well, it's been a few days since I have written. It seems the time slipped away from me this weekend. We had a garage sale to get rid of all the excess crap around the house. Our crap accumulated $600 worth of profit and what is left, we will give to charity.  The sale was a success! Woo hoo!  I have been doing well and I am so thankful for that. I am enjoying the holiday season and can't wait to see the boys light up when they see what Santa got them this year (it's a little bulky and over the weight limit of his sleigh so he had it Fed Xd to the house early and we got it yesterday =) In any case, after an hour and a half of putting it together (Santa does not do assembly much to Dave's dismay) and a lot of under the breath cursing, it is ready and waiting for the big morning.  We had a family get together tonight for my belated birthday, Pa Paws and Me Mes as well.  It was fun to have us all together. Chatting between mouthfuls of chinese food and dodging flying pickles from Mason.  The boys enjoyed the change and were out like lights as soon as they hit their pillows.  If only they would sleeep innnn! I remind myself every morning from under my pillow that I am blessed to have those two boys to  to get up with and then I don't grumble at the lack of sleep I have had in two years anymore.  In fact, I am betting another two years before I even think of more sleep as we plan on adding to the West clan ASAP! I love my houseful of screaming, food throwing, diaper wearing kids and I don't intend to stop now.  According to Aunt "Ashwee" there will be two more to add to the brood as she is just "positive" we will be having twins next time.  Ha Ha! Could you imagine Daves reaction? Now there's a hysterical note to end on....

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Rain Rain Go Away

Last night was a rough night but I made it through as I always do. It is raining so much today and it makes for dreary weather. Austin went to school and Mason and I went grocery shopping together. He loves the one on one time. Now the boys are napping and I just got off the phone with my favorite nurse Susan. She reminded me that everything I was feeling last night and everything that I continue to feel is completely normal. She is happy that I am expressing my grief because if I were to hold it all in, it would come out very ugly at some point. I just needed someone to tell me that I am ok, that I am allowed to grieve for however long I need to and that it takes time. I feel very rushed to get over this pregnancy. I do have two beautiful children and am so blessed it brings me to tears but I did have a third child and that child died. If I did not grieve or mourn that loss then I would not be a very good Mother. I continue to care for my children and am able to do so without them knowing that I have some bad days. If it means crying at night and blogging away so I can be alright in the morning then that's what I will do. Susan helped me to decide today to take what I feel will help me and leave the rest behind and thanks to her I feel empowered. Susan is a wise woman and just hearing her voice brings me to a place of peace. It has since the beginning when I was pregnant with Austin. I am blessed to have her to guide me through this. She reminds me there is sunshine ready to poke through the clouds.
She also told me a quote and I will never forget it and this is my goal from now until it is reached:
Healing is remembering without the pain...

What a beautiful day that will be.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Me Again

I am writing again tonight because if I don't write I may very well lose my mind. My family sleeps and I lay in bed crying, praying for the NyQuil to kick in and for me to come out of the saddness. I feel manic at times. My good days are so good and my bad ones are so low. I am engulfed in the saddness and panic sweeps over me for my husband and my boys. This loss has crushed me, how, how, would I continue on if something happened to one of them. I panic and cry and panic but there is nothing I can do but wait for it to pass.  I cannot live a life of fear and panic and on my good days I don't (well mostly I don't =) tonight I am panicked. There is so much loss, so many awful things going on in the world, how do I keep my kids safe, what if they aren't healthy, what if I am not, who will care for them like I can. It's like a domino effect. One worry leads to another and I am so overwhelmed. I pray for it to pass, I pray for strength. I check the camera one more time to see the boys bellies moving up and down. Kiss their door, Mason on the right, Austin on the left.  I am going to go try to sleep now. I just needed a release. To feel as if someone were hearing me right now.  I sound so awful. I am grieving and I know that it is ok to grieve so I am writing exactly what I am feeling.  The boys bellies are moving up and down, Dave is snoring and I am still here. We can do this....


Today was a hard day.  We are having a garage sale this weekend and in doing so I have been going through things in the house deciding what to sell. I found my memory boxes for the boys and went through them.  I looked at their ultrasound pictures and looked at what they were at 17 weeks and what Tadem should have been.  I miss Tadem, I miss what should have been, I miss my belly. I should be feeling kicks and hiccups by now, instead I am empty.  I know Tadem is in a better place, its just that on the bad days I get selfish and want my baby back.  I now carry fear about pregnancy where once there was joy.  I wish on my star each night that I won't lose another baby.  Everyone continues on and every day I grieve, silently.  I have two perfect children and they bring me happiness each day and I know without a shadow of a doubt how blessed I am. I just need the world to realize that just because I have two perfect children does not mean that Tadem meant any less to me.  That was my child and I love that child like I love my boys. I always will.  I know that one day we will meet again. In the meantime I must continue on with my work here on Earth.  I must continue to raise my boys and do all that I can to keep them safe and healthy. I want to watch them grow up and have children of their own. If I can have that, my life will be fulfilled...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Christmas Parade 2008

Headed downtown, twinkling lights, waving "hi", fire trucks, tons of pictures, running children, lots of laughs, smiles galore, packing up, driving home, stopping for shakes, into pj's, tucking in, sleeping soundly... 

Monday, December 8, 2008

Best Buddies

Mason and Austin had their first night together in one room last night and they did amazing. This morning when they woke, they talked and played. We could see Austin in the camera handing his brother his paci. So very, very cute. Nap time today went just as well. The boys just love each other so much and it melts my heart to pieces.  Mason is SOOOO close to walking. He took two steps on his own at the play zone in the mall today. For some reason he likes to walk sideways but once he realizes that he can do it, he will be off and running after his brother morning, noon and night.  Austin learned to say "oh shoot" today and he thinks it is absolutely hilarious. It's like he knows what we all really want to say...I went for another run and felt pretty darn good. Needed to get out there and loosen up, I was so sore from Saturday and when the boys jump on me I can barely stand it but tonight helped. I think I need an outlet, a place to burn off some steam and Dave is gracious enough to give me that time!  To end the day the boys sat on the couch together, yes Mason can climb on the couch now. What happened to my teeny baby?  So, they sat there and watched Madagasgar together and I saw my future. A house full of boys veggin in front of the t.v.  and telling jokes.  If they are home, I am happy. I once heard that the days go by so slow and the years so fast, let me tell you, so true...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Today Was A Better Day

I did not write yesterday,  it was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I have come to realize that grief is a long process and that just when you think you are going to make it, you have the saddest day yet and I also learned you have no control when it will make its way to you. Dave's Mom and stepdad Larry came to see us this weekend. It was a very nice time and the boys absolutely fell in love with "Pa Paw"! They would not leave his side and I have to say he is an absolute gem with children. Such a gentle, gentle soul. I was grateful he was here to distract the boys from my saddness and guilt.  I just couldn't pull myself out of it. I showered, ran 3 miles (which I am paying dearly for now) and then to top it off after I gave the boys a bath and was emptying out the tub Mason snuck up behind me and fell face first into the tub. He was bleeding everywhere, screaming at the top of his lungs, I was yelling. It just topped off the day I couldn't seem to beat! Mason wound up with the fattest lip you have ever seen. Dave wasn't sure how to handle me in such a sad place and I wound up feeling all the more worse so I called a special person to me, someone I admire greatly. She guided me into "my big girl pants" and thats what I did. Today, the fog lifted. I was able to enjoy the boys and remember that Tadem is in a better place. Dave and I are closer,  Masons lip is much better and I have faith that the week ahead will be brighter. We are having a bit of a floor issue in our house and it has required that we move Mason into Austins room and today was the big day! Tonight the boys are spending their first night together. We put them down at the same time and they proceeded to have a half hour conversation just between brothers. It was so, so sweet!  Yes, its going to be allllright!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Mixed Emotions

Today was my Daddy's birthday! Such a good man and after watching him nearly die of a heart attack I am so happy he is here to celebrate this day!  I have to say I was sad today. In last nights entry I mentioned a dear friend of mine who was enduring a loved ones illness. Today that loved one did not make it. My heart breaks for her, for her loss, for her long road ahead.  It's the holiday season and she will always remember this time of year as a time of loss now. I pray tonight for her to find peace. If anybody can, I know that in time, she will.  I think the loss today reminded me of how much I miss Tadem as well. I am doing so well most of the time but there are moments where my mind wanders off and I wish Tadem were tangible to us.  I know these moments will come and go. I  know that as sad and painful as they are to endure, they do pass. I will turn around and see Mason reaching his arms out to me and how can I not smile!  How can I not laugh when Austin tells me his best friends at school are Lanie and Jake. I am astounded at the capacity his little brain has. All of those months he wasn't talking, he was soaking it all in, he knows so much and little by little it is coming out.  Today was a day of mourning, publicly and privately and yet I know those of us who are suffering will forge ahead, only to be reminded how utterly precious life really is. 

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Downtown Christmas Walk

Tonight the four of us went downtown to see the lights, the bands and all the festivities to celebrate the holiday season. It was a simple night but the boys enjoyed the balloons and the singing!  I love to get them out and in different environments. I love doing simple things as a family.  A very, very special friend of mine has a close loved one enduring a very serious illness as I write this. It is breaking my heart to know how much fear and worry she is having to face at this very moment. I am asking anyone who knows the power of love and prayer to take a simple second in this crazy, busy life to send a prayer out for her.  As we scurry about her loved one is fighting for life. Please remember how precious life is and that you just never know, so relish and be grateful for every moment! Tonight I found peace walking down the street with my family knowing that we are healthy and safe.  

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Tis The Season

We got our Christmas tree tonight! Dave was so into decorating it and it warmed my heart. I love how he gets into that kind of stuff!  It was fun to go through our Christmas bins and see all of our old ornaments and family Christmas cards. I realized how big the boys are getting. Last year at this time we had a 3 month old and 13 month old! How crazy is that? This year, as you will see in the picture, we have baby gate around the bottom of the tree. Although I am pretty sure those boys will find a way to get over, through it, or around it; at least we can say we tried. I saw a star tonight and I wished on it, yes I do that. I wished that my family continues to stay healthy and safe in the coming  year. Last night I wished that when we try again for baby number 4, I don't lose it...

I have faith that the New Year will be good to us. I find wonder in my children each day and amazement in this crazy, beautiful life. 

Brotherly Love

Just in case anyone ever doubted why we have our kids so close together, here you go, take a peek at this picture. These two boys love each other so much. Austin won't eat without Mason at the table and Mason follows Austin everywhere in life. He wants to be just like him! The boys were on top of their slide screaming at the top of their lungs to whoever would listen!  Such enjoyment and the best part is, I got to clean up dinner while they were both happy at the same time, rare as that is!  

P.S. Yes that is spaghetti sauce all over their faces, eek! We were headed to bath as soon as I was done cleaning up, I swear ; )

Giving Thanks

Since losing baby Tadem I have become a bit more introspective than I already am. I decided to start this blog today on a complete whim to remind myself every evening of the simple pleasures and blessings in life!  It is my "high tech" way of journaling and also being able to share it with those I love!  We just celebrated our first Thanksgiving as a family of 4! It was a ton of fun with the family over and friends stopping by. We also managed with a wee bit of oven trouble to get a mouth watering turkey!  Today, I am giving thanks for a beautiful cool day that allowed the boys to play outside virtually all day together. It brings me such joy to see their beautiful smiles!  As sad as this past month has been, I realized sitting in the sunshine today and listening to the squeals, that we are so very, very blessed this holiday season!  What are you thankful for?

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