Sunday, September 26, 2010

Holy Stream Of Consiousness Batman

As if the last year hasn't given me enough to think about. It seems some days my mind never shuts down.  I realize I'm still sort of a mess inside. Paxton slept late today and again I started freaking out.  My husband says to me "what do you think he's gonna like just up and die one day?"  Men, gotta love em'.  I said "sadly that could happen." He's all like don't talk like that blah blah blah and I immediately got jealous over his ability to block it all out.  How can he not go check on his breathing when he sleeps that long. How can he tickle him for so long that he starts to turn blue from holding his breath and not stop.  Granted, he was totally fine, but I am so very scared to put to much stress on his heart. So afraid as he gets bigger and wants to go, to let him.  He wants to crawl and run and be wild like his brothers and when I see him straining to try and crawl, when I hear him panting I have to bite my tongue. I need to let him live, but everything in me says rescue him. My mind never stops. My heart never stops. I have soooo much weighing on it day in and day out. Hope and fear and contemplation about our future.  What it holds. What to make of it.

I'm a mess right now.  Not sure if it's because my little miracle baby is about to turn one is less than two weeks. Good God where did the time go.  I am so not the person I was last year at this time. I am so not the person I was three months ago.  I've changed so much and some days I don't know what to do with it.  I tried to go to bed tonight. My intention was not to write this post or blog at all, but sleep. Instead my mind set off on a marathon about life and here I am with my keyboard as I have been oh' so many times before.  I'm turning 30 freaking 1 on Saturday, maybe that's why I'm so contemplative.  Oh' this journey.  Where I started and where I've ended up.  Makes me laugh and cry all at the same time.  I still can't listen to country music because I just wind up in tears.  Wonder if how emotional I've become this year will ever pass.  
Everybody keeps telling me to write a book, make a book out of your blog. Other heart families could learn so much from it. I think about it. Wonder if I could do it. Then I move along. I don't know how to write a book and sooo many people write. I'm just little ole me laying my heart out to cyber space because it helps to feel as if I've not kept it all inside.   I used to journal and as I got older my hands couldn't keep up with my mind and I am a kick a*# typer (what I always dreamed of for my life, to be an awesome typer ; ) so I started blogging.  And here I am.
I have this never ending list of things to do and instead of checking anything off of them, it just keeps getting longer and longer.  It bothers me.  I am doer.  I am a get doner.  Or should I say, I was all of those things.  Grrr!
I'm still learning to let it all go. There's doghair tendrils rolling across the floor.  My mini van is chock full of toys, shoes and what nots and I like a clean car.  I can't make it to half the things I mean to. I can't get the photo books started much less finished.  I have the photos, I never stop taking pictures, I just can't seem to get anything done with them.  Paxtons memory box is started, somewhat. I still haven't gotten thank you cards out for the boys birthday and its making me bonkers!  Miss Manners would be appalled!
Does all this matter in the end. Not really I suppose, but it matters to me.  Someday. It's what I tell myself everyday. Someday I'll get to it. 

Wonder if now that I've just had complete diarrhea of the brain on this post if I might be able to shut down and go to sleep.  
What I wouldn't give for a big ole' shot of NyQuil right now.  Instead I'll lay here and think about my babies, all of them.  

The boys start soccer Thursday and we are to the moon with excitement. I turn 31 on Saturday and Pax next week.  Life goes on and yah' in the end that crap doesn't matter.  Snuggling with my babies is far more important than a perfect little book of photos is.  It's the time with them they'll remember most.  Oh sweet babies of mine, if anything keeps me centered it's you guys.  

Phew...I'm done now.  I'm gonna be man down for awhile, got a little minor surgery happening tomorrow, but I'll be back in a jiffy with soccer pics cause man you know I'll take hundreds. Wait, just wait til you see the boys in their "superman" soccer gear. Poster children I tell ya!

Night all.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Happy Fourth Birthday Austin

Dear Austin,

I think back to four years ago at this time and cannot believe how life has changed.  How you changed me.  Simply, you made me a Mom for the first time.  I knew I would love you so deeply, because that's how I love anyway, so my child I knew would go beyond that.  However, my heart was completely unprepared for the magnitude of emotion you would bring.

 I remember you as a newborn in my arms, man was I so proud. You came out perfect and wailing, angelic in every way.  Four years later, nothing has changed. You are still perfect and angelic.  You are the most amazing big brother.

You are kind and sensitive.  If someone is crying so too are you.  You are just as in love with me as I you.  I can feel it. I can see it.

 The way in which you put both hands on my cheeks to kiss me melts me.  You can be angry as all get out and Mama can bring you to your knees instantly simply offering you a hug.

This year, as you grew from 3 to 4, was ultimately you hardest year yet.  I had to leave to care for your baby brother and it shattered your world.  You were simply put, lost, without me and I realized the connection that a first born has with his Mommy.  While it took awhile to get you back on track once I got home, you did it, and since then you have matured in ways that astound me.  It clearly broke both of our hearts to be separated for so long, but watching you walk into school like a big boy this year showed me that while it was excruciatingly painful to be apart, in the end there was good to be had from it.

You are a show off and yet super shy all at the same time.

 You love older boys and want to be a "big boy" so badly.  You dislike attention in every way possible just like me.  At your birthday this year when we all hooted and hollered as you walked through the door, you hit the deck in tears.  Yah, you get that from me.  You might just be the runner your Pa Paw dreams of. Sprinting is so much fun to you.  Your best friend at the moment is Sierra and man is Daddy proud it's a girl!  You love a party!  You love presents! You love going to the store because maybe, just maybe you'll get a treat.  You might be a little spoiled, but who can resist those deep dimples, I pinch them all the time.  You have a mad obsession with "kicks" ( better known as shoes). You are for sure at the age of being bossy.  Quite frankly, it's funny to hear you mimic what Daddy and I say. For example: "MASSONN!  You are going straight to time out!"  You LOVE to nap with me and every once in awhile I give in and let you just so we can snuggle. You beg me every day to "sweep in Mommy's bed" and every day I fight the urge to curl up beside you and drift off to never never land together.

Oh' Austin I am so proud of how far you have come in these four years. You were a late bloomer. Walking and talking did not come easily to you. You resisted speech and physical therapy with all that you had, only to turn around and run the fastest and talk the most.  Your intelligence will take you far. You know things that I don't even know you know. It's amazing all that you take in.
Your vitiligo only makes you more handsome and while I find you investigating it quite often, you seem content with the fact that it's "just a birth mark."  There isn't much that can take away from your beauty so while I have spent many a nights worrying for you, I know you will rock it.  

Becoming a Mommy is all I have ever wanted in life.  Thank you for giving me that. For showing me the way. For being an angel of a baby, an angel of a toddler and an angel of a person.  I know that you know I am always here for you, even at four, there's a depth to you that most your age do not have. You, well, you just get it.  I am here, you know that, always.  You and your brothers are my whole world and I would go to the ends of the earth for you.  The fierceness and the protectiveness that consumes you when you become a Mom is startling, but man if I wouldn't walk on fire for my babies.

Wherever you go, whatever you choose to do, do it with the passion that I know lives inside you.  Anything you put your mind to you can do and there will never be a moment that I am not waiting in the wings should you need me. You sweet, precious Mamas boy, always and forever.

There are no words for the depths of my love for you.

Love you mean it,

Monday, September 20, 2010

We're Baaack

As luck would have it, we made it safely to and home from the Bahamas.  There were moments of question that this would happen, say when we walked up and saw this....

"It has like...real propellers...." 

Yah, the miniature stature of this plane did not set so well with my girl and I, all the while our husbands were tickled pink at the horror on our faces...

Needless to say, we executed a very well planned birthday surprise for a dear friend. The trip was much needed of course, somewhat twilight zoney as we ran into a lot of hiccups that merely left us peeing our pants with laughter and sometimes cringing, but nevertheless finding fun with good friends in tow. 

It's late and Mama is tired so I will leave you with a sneak peek until I can download the many pics we took.  They will make you snicker, say what the.... and of course smile.  

(Blech. Crappy i phone pics and really it appears I could use a nap. I get all tired when I don't have kids to keep me a runnin')

P.S. Pax and I are headed to Tampa tomorrow for a cardiology  check up. Please keep your fingers crossed that he is doing well.  It's never easy to step back from every day life to walk through those doors that slap you in the face with a hard reality. 

Until next time, night all!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

We're Leaving....

On a jet plane!

And it's gonna be good!

See ya'll on the flip side...


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Happy 3rd Birthday Mae Mae

Oh, Mason I just don't even know where to begin.  The time, as they all say has gone by far to fast.

 I am so in love with you, you don't even know. I can't describe it. Even as a writer, I don't have words for that. You were born wailing with a head full of "chia pet" hair and man if you aren't the most gorgeous little man ever.

Your cheeks win over everyone who meet you.

Your deep honey eyes are mesmerizing and your little smile melts me at a mere glance.

You are as in l.o.v.e with your brother Austin as I am in love with you. It's beyond endearing to see your adoration for him. It makes me all the more grateful for having you just 11 1/2 months after I had him.  You have begun to lose your baby weight.  Your voice is so deep and as as aloof as you were as a wee one you have turned about as mushy and snuggly as they come! I simply have to reach my arms out and a runnin' you shall come! You have many nicknames. The first one was "Mae Mae" only we have clearly confused you because once you started eating everything in sight we changed it to  "Moo Moo".  To this day you continue to think your full name is "Mason Moo Moo West". Sometimes we ask you just to hear you say it.  P.R.E.C.I.O.U.S.

You finally kiss me on the lips and only me. You apparently don't like to kiss on the lips as you never have, even with me, even when I bribed you, but now you do. It's melts me the way you purse your lips just so.

You love to run around in the buff. You are pee pee potty trained.  You always say "two ones" when referring to two of something.  You are super social like your Daddy.  Not much throws you off, except when you get scolded and then you melt like a snow cone.  You are terrified of thunder.  Have impeccable manners.  You are a "clutcher"; always have to have a little piece of home in your hand whether it be a car or even a rock.  All things automobile or aviation are still your favorite things.  You love Handy Manny and Mickey Mouse right now! You aren't really sure about Paxton, but you are after all the middle child so I'll give you time with that one.

What I do know is that you have handled this past year fabulously.  You were forced to endure a lot of changes without really understanding why they were happening and where I had gone.  You impressed me beyond measure and if ever there was an ache so deep it was physically painful, it was that time I had to be away from you and your brother for as long as I was.  I sobbed over being separated from you, and while you struggled, you handled it beautifully.  You're gonna be good like that Mason.

I loved you as a newborn, but my love for you is beyond description as I watch you grow into the perfect little man you have become.  As much as I want you to stay this size forever, just as I wanted you to stay a newborn forever, I am excited to watch you grow and make your way into the world.

While you may lose your chipmunk voice and those cheeks I love to suck on, I am more than positive with each change the love will only grow more, truly, if that's even possible.  My second born, my second son, the one who taught me to relax and enjoy the little things, I thank you.  You have taught me so much, you continue to teach me so much and my love for you is eternal.  You and your brothers are my life and you always will be.

 I am proud of you Mason. Proud of your determination, your humor, your kindness, proud of the boy you are becoming every single day. I am here for you always and I will love you always. Until next year beautiful boy!

Love you mean it,

Monday, September 13, 2010


It's amazing how my boys bring people together. They've always been able to do that and as each year passes, I realize this affect they have on people.  So many came to help prepare the best birthday celebration ever for them and let me tell you they were on pins and needles waiting for their "big boy party!"

Theme of the year chosen by the birthday boys themselves: John Deere Tractor
How does the old saying go... the apple doesn't fall far...

Go big or go home all out we went. For these two boys who had one hell of a year to endure, nothing but the best was what they got!

Rock climbing

(way to represent the best Cross fit gym ever there bro!)

Slip Slip Sliding Down The Frog Slide~oh yah!

(notice mason next in line. one is never far from the other.)

Or splish splashin through the kiddie pool

Little boys trying to be big boys

Where old friends...

And best friends joined in the fun.

Where gorgeous miracle babies sat taking it all in...

Getting smothered with love...

By those who know him best...

Pinatas to break

And lots of cake...

Teenagers gossiping in the corner...

(Love you sis)

Pa Paws watching as another generation celebrates life. 

Rockin and rollin

Soaking up all the love

And smiles from ear to ear.









Happy Birthday My Beautiful, Perfect Boys!  Mommy loves you more than you will ever be able to comprehend!  


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