Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Me Again

I am writing again tonight because if I don't write I may very well lose my mind. My family sleeps and I lay in bed crying, praying for the NyQuil to kick in and for me to come out of the saddness. I feel manic at times. My good days are so good and my bad ones are so low. I am engulfed in the saddness and panic sweeps over me for my husband and my boys. This loss has crushed me, how, how, would I continue on if something happened to one of them. I panic and cry and panic but there is nothing I can do but wait for it to pass.  I cannot live a life of fear and panic and on my good days I don't (well mostly I don't =) tonight I am panicked. There is so much loss, so many awful things going on in the world, how do I keep my kids safe, what if they aren't healthy, what if I am not, who will care for them like I can. It's like a domino effect. One worry leads to another and I am so overwhelmed. I pray for it to pass, I pray for strength. I check the camera one more time to see the boys bellies moving up and down. Kiss their door, Mason on the right, Austin on the left.  I am going to go try to sleep now. I just needed a release. To feel as if someone were hearing me right now.  I sound so awful. I am grieving and I know that it is ok to grieve so I am writing exactly what I am feeling.  The boys bellies are moving up and down, Dave is snoring and I am still here. We can do this....

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