i don't know where 38 weeks went...
i literally can't wrap my head around that fact, but here we are about to have a baby. i'm not gonna lie, i am a hot freakin' mess. the emotions are in full swing and the tears even greater. the combination of excited and scared is an incredibly powerful mix. i am a control freak and i am once again, not in control. of this labor. of this baby. of my boys and their care in my absence or of my emotions (clearly). i try to stay busy, no scratch that, i AM to busy most days to spend much time dwelling on it. i am assuming that's how i made it to 38 weeks without losing my ever loving mind, but when the lights go down and i am snuggled next to my sick boy in bed or stroking masons cheek as he falls asleep i am overcome with emotion. this journey is far different than the journeys prior. i know more now. i know to much now. i miss the innocence i had before paxton and yet i cherish every single moment he has given me since. it has made every milestone so much more heightened and celebrated. like 38 weeks! 38 weeks with pax damn near landed me in a mental institution as i waited to see if he would live or die. today, i am 38 weeks of raw emotion, no doubt, but 38 weeks of healthy baby beating my bladder to hell. it's a far, far cry from 4 years ago when i could barely breathe through the fear. so i let the tears come in hot waves. i allow myself that. if i learned anything from our time in st. pete, it's that tears are the most therapeutic of things. happy, sad and everything in between. i have finally allowed myself to wash go home from the hospital clothes (one boy outfit and like 5 girl ones lol) i have allowed myself to visualize the labor. i have dreamt of what s/he will look like. i have prepared our home and the area beside my bed for a new baby. one that can come home this time. it took nearly 37 weeks to allow myself to do those things and maybe in doing so the tears are what need to follow.
a very wise person in my life said this:
jen you have an amazing perfectly healthy baby-bouncing and pumping with 4 chambers ready to latch on -keep you up ALL night for cuddles and nursing-this baby needs nothing special-can cry ALOT without worry and it will adore its 3 amazing and entertaining brothers-it's easy. exhausting in a good way. imagine it. focus on it. it's real. it's happening soon and its going to be amazing-healthy and "normal"....
i took a screen shot of those words and go back to them daily as i walk the home stretch. baby is measuring 6 pounds 10 ounces and is "perfect".
my boys are so ready to meet their brother or sister. i was so worried about how they would handle it and its like they too, are ready to try this again.
our party of 5 is so full of life, loudness and laughter. soon...very soon we will be a party of 6. i am on bended knee, hot tears still flowing in gratitude for this crazy/beautiful life of mine.
stay tuned my dear friends... s/he will be making his or her grand appearance any day now...
love and hugs