39 isn't so bad...

Me??? Writing... I know. It's weird and it's been a LONG time. And I can't lie, it may very well be another year before I do it again. My life is crazy busy. 5 kids is definitely a FULL time job and leaves little room for writing. One day, I hope to get back at it more because lord knows I miss it, but for now.... my kiddos come first.

Two days ago was my "birfday" and I turned 39!!! Like what even.... I can't seem to wrap my head around that. I'm still in my 30's y'all and I am definitely clinging hard ;)  That said, I am not going to sit here and insta filter this life I live..... It is hard. HARD. And messy. And loud. And I screw up. I yell and then I regret it. But then I get hand made cards like this (without being asked I am told):

and I'm reminded that they SEE me even when I think they don't. Mom life is often a thankless life for a long time...today though, I see that I am doing all right. These last 10 years have taken me to the brink. Had me begging for mercy, can't take another step. But, they have also shown me that I am stronger than I could have ever thought possible..

I know that now.

I have been pushed, pulled, stretched and knocked down. I have a lot to get back up for though so even when I LITERALLY don't think I can pull myself off the floor (and the floor and I are good friends btw) I somehow do.  I attribute SO much of that to my Dad and the tenacity that he instilled in me. I also love my kids something fierce and no matter what, I will NEVER back down for them.

My Pax was born just after I turned 30. I was a week away from giving birth to my VERY sick boy 9 years ago. I had no idea how much my life would change or just how strong I would become for HIM.  His journey transformed me. I remember blowing out the candles on my cake just days away from his induction... my ONLY wish was just me begging ... BEGGING for my baby to please just live and be ok.  That is all I so desperately wanted.... And here we are today.... he texted me this from school with happy birthday balloons flying on my phone screen.

SO many texts, cards and messages, because that's how we do things now, from those closest to me making sure that I know I am loved. As a Mama to five kiddos who barely even has time to lets be honest... pee. They all meant so much to me.

As my birthday came to a close I was so grateful for the I can't even begin to count text messages. The phone calls. The cards. The facebook messages that I waited until days end to check. My sister who made sure my day super special and to my besties who jumped on the band wagon.

The "Cat to my Nat" for taking me to breakie that legit turned into lunch and for spoiling me with a giant bag of goodies. Easy friendship is rare and I am so thankful.

I have found my voice this last decade. I have found (somewhat) of a backbone.  I've learned to say no. I've learned it's ok to do what's best for me instead of pleasing others. I've also learned that whatever I plan will most certainly not happen... and that's ok too. I've learned to take the hits and power through. I've learned when I don't think I can pull my rock bottom, hovered over my bed, exhausted, crying self off of the floor... to do as my dad would tell me and "get my ass in the bathroom, splash your face with cold water and get it together".

Most and MORE importantly:

I've learned that this life, as hard as it can be at times, is ridiculously profound.  It is bittersweet, hit you straight in your gut, takes your breath away BEAUTIFUL.
We get  ONE.... and while the road less traveled can often be a bit bumpier than taking easy street... I have never been more grateful for those that line my road. Cheering me on. Giving me grace. SO. MUCH. GRACE.  They are my people. My rocks and I know that no matter what the years ahead bring.... I got this. I've done this. And I will continue to do this.

Cheers to another year conquered. I'm pretty damn proud!

Again, thank you to every person who reached out. It meant the world. Truly.

Love and hugs~Jenn


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