Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Missing My Boy Tonight

I guess its bad to be alone after a loss. Dave is out with friends tonight and my living boys are tucked into bed. I miss them when they sleep. Some nights I just want to go crawl into bed and snuggle with them. Since we have moved I have been wanting to do a little memorial for baby Tadem in the front area of our walkway outside. There is a big area there that would be perfect. I think I have decided on a little bench. I can personalize it however I wish but I find myself speechless. How do you put into three lines what you want to say to your baby that was taken to soon? It takes awhile for them to personalize it and then get it back to us so I am trying to get this done but I sit and stare at the screen. I cannot come up with words powerful enough to memorialize him. I want him here with us. I don't want to have no idea what he looks like outside of an ultrasound picture. I was staring at the boys hands tonight as they sat in my lap and my mind just wandered off. My kids are my life. My reason for everything. It's indescribable for me. I think there are moments where I feel I am doing Tadem injustice by being pregnant again. I know that isn't the case but my heart still aches for him. I have such an urge to remember him and make sure that others remember him. I have a need to do unto him as he has done unto me. Tadem taught me so much in his short time with me. I feel like I need to pass that on. I know that no amount of material things that I try to collect to remember him by, whether it be a photo, bench or whatever can depict my love for him. My love for him is inside of me and what matters is that and that alone. He knows, wherever he is tonight, that I remember and love him always. No bench, necklace or memory box will alter that, but I have them all just the same. It's my tangible way to have him with me. That is until he is with me again one day. For now, I know that baby is wrapped in a love beyond measure. For that I am continually grateful...

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I am going to make this post short tonight. I just wanted to comment on how very, very tired I am right now. I have even been napping when the boys nap lately and I am still exhausted come 7:30 at night. I welcome this exhaustion and each and every restless, heartburn, ravenous filled day! Our precious and very loved Tadem went to meet Jesus far to soon and in experiencing that loss I learned the beautiful lesson of taking nothing for granted. I give every ounce of energy I have to the boys during the day and come nightfall I hit a wall. I feel badly for my husband for he is a tiny bit neglected at the moment, but I know that he understands and knows of course this is all his fault =) That's what I tell him anyway! I am anxious for our ultrasound next week. I hope and pray that this baby is healthy and makes it into our arms whole and healthy. In the meantime I will take whatever comes my way and know that as long as our baby is o.k., I can handle any amount of sleep deprivation handed to me. Now it is time to take the toothpicks out of my eyes and head to slumber land! Keep us in your prayers as we delicatlely walk through each week of this pregnancy...

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Monday, February 23, 2009

Not Me Monday!

I have a few Not Me's to share but I wanted to start by saying that my doctor called and let me know that my blood work for baby #4 looks great! I didn't realize my relief until she called to tell me the results. I guess I am just trying to keep busy and distracted until we get past the point where we lost Tadem. In any case, that is one hurdle jumped! We will go in for an ultrasound on March 2nd. I am anxious and ridiculously nervous. It's all hard to grasp because Tadem was perfectly fine at this point during his ultrasound so I guess it's just a waiting game until we pass 16 weeks. I continue to pray and hope that God will bless us with a beautiful, healthy baby come October. I will keep you updated.

Not Me Monday! Aww... the ability to share all that you have NOT done. The ability to realize that we all have our moments and that sharing them may very well be the best way to laugh about it!

I was NOT in such a hurry to get out the door that I put the boys clothes on in such mayhem, not realizing that both of Austins legs were in one pant hole. I did not tell him to stop fussing when he was doing so for I had no idea that he was simply trying to tell me he couldn't walk. I did not ignore him until he plopped himself on the floor in a meltdown as pictured below. I did not feel bad for assuming he was having a terrible two tantrum, when this time there was validity to it!

Secondly, I did NOT go to a wedding this weekend where there was port a potties and pee on myself. A "redneck" wedding. Their words, not mine! The reception was NOT out in the middle of nowhere and the only option for restroom facilities was NOT port o potties. I did not give in and use one because I am pregnant after all. I did not attempt to touch nothing and hover only to realize to late that I was not hovering accurately. I did not pee down my leg! I was not horrified as all get out! I did not run to my car to get the ever so handy baby wipes to bathe as best I could! Ugh, really? Port o potties....

In case you didn't know, my children do have manners. They do not put their feet on the table or sit in the middle of the table and play. I would never allow such ridiculous acts to happen. I also do NOT snap pics left and right of all their wrong doings. Seriously, what is with the kids and feet on the table????

Lastly, I am not watching my son in the camera try his darnedest to climb into his brothers crib. I am not rooting that he makes it in because how cute would that be! How cute would it be that they would never sleep and only play but so sweet that they love each other that much. Of course, the pictures that I snap of his success would be priceless as well. So far no luck, by the way.
To all my Not Me Monday friends out there. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your Not Me's as well. It does make us, human after all!

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Friday, February 20, 2009

Just Another Day But A Wonderful One

I feel like today was just an ordinary Friday but so many little things made it wonderful! For starters, the boys are on the mend. Still a wee bit tired but eating again and playing much more frivelously. Secondly, I had to go get blood work for the baby today. I was slightly worried about taking both boys into the lab where the wait time is typically endless. The wait time was about 10 minutes and in those ten minutes the boys barely said boo! I mean really they were angels! Mason only cried because a baby girl was getting her blood drawn and was obviously crying. Anyone crying very much upsets my Mae Mae. Then we came home and napped together. I have been trying to take little cat naps when I can. It's not often but when I do, I sleep like well... a baby!
After naps we decided to play outside. The boys crave the outdoor and would probably spend every minute out there if I let them. It wasn't until today that I finally found another use for our enorumous Christmas tree gate. See picture! Honestly there are times when I amaze myself. On any other day, I am in full blown panic chasing two kids and hoping neither of them will run into the street. Today, I finally came to my senses! We spent all afternoon out there and the boys were happy as clams!

Also when we were outside playing Austin decided in the midst of his "Japanese babble" to count to nine! I have never heard him go past 5 and literally almost fell out of my chair. I am still not sure what he was counting for there was nine of NOTHING around but he found something and let his imagination run with it! I was glowing! Remember this is the child in speech therapy for not speaking two word sentences. It just reminded me that Austin has it all in there and that he will be just fine! Tonight we built our first fort in the kitchen!

Austin thought that was just so cool! It's fun as they grow up and we can begin to do new things together! In any case, it was a simple day with my boys and I wouldn't trade it for the world! I am so blessed to spend my days with them!
I am a tired Ma Ma these days! I definetly feel the "first trimester exhaustion" so I am going to keep this short tonight. I have been doing amazingly well so far. No sickness. The worry and fear is obviously present but I am so busy during the day and so tired by night that there isn't much time to worry. For that I am grateful! I will keep you updated as we (hopefully) progress! In closing, I rest my head tonight beyond thankful for my beautiful, crazy busy, perfect life!
(p.s. I do not keep my kids in cages during the day, I promise =) They like to go in our dogs crate and pretend they are "doggies")

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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Wordless Wednesdays (Well...almost)

( My nudist and my climber...on any given day the roles may reverse)

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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Busy Weekend

Well friends, today was my "honey's" birthday! For those of you who don't know, my "honey" is my husband. It started with Austin saying that every time Dave and I kissed. Only he says it more like "huuunnnyyy" it is so gal darn cute! So, Dave is now "honey" on the blog. Today we made "Honey" birthday breakfast and got him cupcakes on our errands out for us to enjoy tonight. I have to share with you the pictures of my oh' so different children eating them. I don't even think I need to explain which one is "Honey" and which one is me!

Yesterday we went out on the boat!

My sister came and helped us so much. Is it terribly wrong of me to wish she didn't have to go to school and that she could move in with me and just keep me company all of the time. I just love having her around. In any case, we weren't planning such an outing but the weather has been so great and "Honey" wanted to do something fun on the day he took off from work. We brought my friend Eileen and her son Jackson. The boys had such a blast and lasted well into the late afternoon. I am so proud of all of them for being such troopers. I am not proud of the fact that I completely forgot to apply sunscreen to my entire backside which happened to be facing toward the sun and the result is fried beyond fried skin. I am such a sun screen advocate and I just can't believe I did that to myself. My boys however, have not one single spot on them. Gee, could it be because I was so worried about them that I forgot about myself, oops! As it turns out the boys are now very sick. I am a tad worried about their breathing and hope we wake up in a better place tomorrow. The last time I was worried about Masons breathing we wound up in the ER at midnight with RSV!
Speaking of Mason, I had to post this last photo of him at the beach. It was about 3:30 and he was so tired and cold. So we undressed him and I rocked him and his "tiny heiny" hanging out melted my heart. Oh' so sweet!

I also surprised Dave with our Disney cruise that I planned for May! I cannot even tell you how beyond excited I am for us and for the boys! It cannot get here quick enough! It has been a long time coming and with a new baby on the way it was super necessary to get this in asap! As far as the pregnancy, so far so good. I will go in for confirmation blood work on Friday and at 8 weeks will have my first ultrasound. At this time I am handling it well. I have a very positive attitude and am grateful for that. I asked God for strength in this journey and although it is early, so far He has graced me. Please keep the baby and I in your thoughts for a safe pregnancy and ultimately a perfect delivery. We can do this! Through Him, all things are possible...

As many of you know, I try to feed my kids an all organic diet! I am very particular about what I feed them and am proud of what they will eat, if only for not knowing any better. (fyi~we had a scare with Austin very early on that led me to this diet, when you worry for your child's health that never goes away and you will do whatever it takes to fix it.) In any case, it was just a scare but I continue on the organic diet and lack of certain foods because I feel it is good for them. I do not push it on anyone else as I hope others wont judge me for the things that I do. I will say that I do NOT deprive my kids of everything. They have never had a donut but they have had McDonald's. In fact we cannot drive by the big yellow arches without Austin screaming "shake" as in chocolate milkshake. They eat wheat bread but have most certainly had M&M's. They don't know what a hot dog tastes like and they love hummus (swear on my life) wraps but they will strangle each other over a french fry. I do not want to deprive them of everything only to have them turn around and binge on all things crap because I never allowed it. Vacations are relaxed on food options (which usually leads to throwing up from both my kids because they are not used to the junk, but that's beside the point) In any case, I posted this paragraph because of this photo:

We had chips and crackers and cookies for our boating day and Austin could NOT get enough of the Frito's. He kept walking back to the beach bag to find them and I just had to post this for all of those people out their (this is NOT directed at you E, pinky swear =) who think I am off my rocker for the diet that I feed my kids. I get made fun of more than I can ever begin to share with you but I stand my ground and know that there are those that love me more for it! This picture is proof that I am not the food Nazi I have been labled =) =)

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

Surprise! Surprise!

In my last post I mentioned a surprise that I had in store for you. Well, now that the cat is out of the bag here on the home front I figured I could tell all of my blogging friends. Not that there are many but to those who stop by I am grateful. I started this blog after the unexpected loss of our third baby. This blog as silly as it sounds, has been here for me when it seems no one else was. There were times that no one around me could possibly understand the depth of my loss and so I came to my keyboard where there was no judgement. I come to you in a different place now. I have been on my knees in the depths of grief over my baby and now with time and grief counseling I have found acceptance. I will never, ever forget my baby Tadem and I think of him daily but I have also rounded the corner and I can remember without the pain. It forever changed me and for that I am grateful. I am a different person now because of my loss but I believe I am better for it!
Today this blog is also going to take a turn in a different direction. Here is why:
I am pregnant! Baby #4 Is Official!
I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I am so grateful that we have been blessed once again. I fell to my knees when I saw the two lines show up in our bathroom and bowed over the toilet in prayer. I prayed for a healthy baby this time around. I prayed that we do not lose this child and bear the burden of the loss of a child again! As scared as I am, I have committed myself to enjoying each day and remembering how precious each moment is. I will do what I can and leave the rest up to God. I want this baby to grow up in a belly full of excitement and happiness, not worry and fear. Please keep us in your thoughts as we embark on this next journey. We are due October 22, 2009. My birthday is October 2 and I tend to always go three weeks early, so we are shooting for my birthday! I promise to keep you posted as my belly (hopefully) grows! I will continue to use this blog as an outlet for myself. I have wonderful news and I will highlight that as we go with a few tributes along the way. I have not yet met my due date for Tadem and I know that day will be hard but I am focusing forward. I hope you will come along for the ride...
Today we went to the children's parade that my sister danced in. The boys had such a blast and were so well behaved! Austin spent most of the time hanging with the "big" boys (his Dad and his Pa Paw) and Mason hung out with Me Me and Mommy! They are now tucked in bed completely tuckered out from their big day! I got some great pictures and will leave you with those. XOXO

And when we got home after bath time it was fight time =)

p.s here is my sister in her gear (had to sneak her in here for embarrassment purposes)

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Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentines Day!

Last evening was our "actual" Valentines celebration. As many of you may know it s very hard to get a babysitter on Valentines day so we did it a day early and had a wonderful time. I surprised my husband with a yummy dinner at our favorite restaurant! It was so nice to enjoy each others company and talk not only about the kids but get caught up on "adult" talk. I had a nice surprise planned for him and the restaurant did an amazing job helping it pan out! I will let you know the surprise in an upcoming post very soon! I promise. For now we are enjoying sharing it together. This morning I got up with the boys and made them a yummy homemade breakfast of heart shaped whole wheat pancakes, eggs and strawberries. They devoured it and I enjoyed spoiling them. I can't wait for the day that they understand the holidays because then it's on. Here's a before, during and after shot:

Tonight we are just hanging out watching movies together, having a nice night in. There isn't anything better than sitting here with all of my babies in our new home with the dogs at my feet. I am SOO tired and am glad to be in my jammies at an early hour and doing nothing! Tomorrow we are going to take the boys to a parade that I know they will just love! I am excited to see them excited! We took them to Cracker Barrel for dinner where they refused to eat anything but we had a fun time anyway. For now I will leave you all with some photos and wish you a very Happy Heart Day! XOXOXs from the boys! Stay tuned for the surprise....
A little shot of one of my heartbreakers in his Valentines shirt!

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Friday, February 13, 2009


Today did not turn out as we had planned. This week we had an awesome week of outings to the beach, music class, etc. Today I wanted to continue on that road and did a little online research and found an indoor play gym about 20 minutes from here. So we packed up and off we went. We pulled into the parking lot only to find out it was closed, for good. A scary reminder of the awful recession we are in. So I pondered where to go next. We decided to go to next and we wound up at an outdoor shopping plaza that I knew had a kiddie playground. The boys had fun romping around on the animals and hiding in the castle they had for toddlers just their size. We continued to go for a long walk around the outside shopping area and I was completely struck by the kindness of strangers. I am not sure if it was the sweat dripping all over my body that made them feel the need to help me out. Pushing two 30 pound children in a double stroller in the Florida heat will make anybody melt, but the fresh air and sunshine was wonderful for us all, so we continued on. As we stopped in this store and that, nearly every person that passed us, smiled. One or two noted the usual "how I had my hands full." The rest nearly stopped in their tracks or turned around to help us with doors or bathroom stops. One gentleman held one door for me and politely hollered to another man he didn't even know to grab the adjoining door. It really melted my heart to see that in a world full of such chaos and obliviousness that there are still kind and thoughtful people out there.
Tonight I am taking my honey out for a surprise Valentines Dinner. He had no idea I planned it, I just wanted to show my thanks for all he does to provide for his family. I will let you know how it goes.
I also found this song by Mercy Me. It's called I can only imagine. When I heard it, it struck me to my core.
( I have added it to my playlist so turn your speakers on and revel in the beauty of this song)

I Can Only Imagine lyrics

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine


I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

I heard this and tears filled my eyes. All l I could think of was Jesus in one hand and Tadem in the other. I have read books about heaven and near death experiences that shed light on it but I cannot begin to fathom such a place. To finally see those you have lost waiting to rejoin you and where our Almighty Father brings us truly home . To feel a peace and love that here on Earth is indescribable. No, I cannot imagine. I only know that as scared as I am to ever leave all that I know. To leave my boys to soon, God has a plan and that no matter what happens in this Earthly life we will all be reunited on the other side of Eternity. My boys will someday meet their brother and Great Grandparents who continue to be our angels daily. I will not lie it is hard for me to imagine a love more powerful than the one that I have for my children. That is where my faith is about learning and growing and trusting every day. For the power that fills me up over my children is indescribable. I pray every night for guidance and trust that this plan that I have no control over will never take my boys away from me. That no matter what happens, I must be reminded that those I lose will be seen again one day when my work here is done. I pray that I make him proud and that I make my boys proud.
For now, I can only imagine.
And I can only imagine the day that I meet your sweet, sweet face Tadem...

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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Hmm...What To Call Today

As crazy as it may seem some days in my world, I have to say I just love it. So today, I decided to try and make a Target run before Kindermusik. Well, no, I HAD to make a Target run because I am SOOO out of diapers and wipes and I have needed a hairbrush for weeks now because I have had my old one so long that it literally split in half one day. Or maybe I was so angry that I snapped it in half...hmm... In any case, using my boys fine tooth miniature brush just does not cut it on my out of control, curly mane! I used to have stick straight and hair and ever since I had children it looks like I may very well have put my finger in a light socket. Anyway, as I was saying, I piled the boys into the car and off we went. Wellll, the moment I unloaded the boys and put them in the Lysol sprayed shopping cart, I find out that one of the wheels is broken on it. I considered for a short moment, unloading them into a cart that might actually move, but decided that was way to much work and that pushing 2 thirty pound children around in a cart with bum wheels was a better idea???? Lets just say I got my arm workout in for the day. We proceeded to shop and I proceeded to start sweating and I am not sure if it was the cart issue or the fact that my children were screaming for every bloody thing we passed by. I mean everything. All of a sudden lotion bottles had some sort of appeal to my children and the hooting and hollering began. Then we had to get diapers, as previously mentioned, well as every Mom knows, in order to get to the diapers, you must pass the...right, toys!!! Lovely, now the hooting and hollering turns into very loud screams, standing in the cart, jumping up and down, kicking, snot dripping, slobbery, throwing what IS in the cart out meltdowns. All the while I continue to pick up what they throw and shove all of the items into the bottom portion of the buggy (you know the part meant for like soda or something) because if I put it where it belongs either child would repeatedly hurl the item at any given person or object in his way. Somehow during this stunt they wound up with two trucks, a piano and a training bike. I mean really, I must stop this. The bike was in fact on my list, I promise. No, it really was. The trucks... well they were sand trucks and we had none yesterday at the beach and Austin wanted some other little boys and the bully would not share. So I HAD to get some to have on hand for our next beach adventure. And the piano, well, it was cute and I know the boys will love it. Maybe I should start going to counseling for spoiling my children. There are not many times that I take my kids to the store because they end in tantrums like the ones they had today and I also wind up with 30 more items than I went in the store for. My husband must know this because he never hesitates to watch the boys when I say I need to go to the store. In any case, we did walk out of the store with noses running amok, mouths open in a howling fervor that enabled us all to see my sons tonsils. I felt like a walking campaign slogan for birth control. I just smiled and knew that this too, would pass and it did. After I put the bike in the back of our car and let the children cry until they couldn't cry anymore, we moved on. I wiped noses, gave drinks and kisses. Children as young as mine are do not realize that everything in the store is not for them. They left the store with the .99 cent trucks in their hands and that was it. I let them cry it out and put the piano and the bike in the back of the car for when their behavior deserved it. Yes they got trucks, where many Moms may have given them nothing. I know they are young and not at a point to really understand the whole shopping process. In due time, my friends. In due time.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Wordless Wednesdays

Since there are no words...

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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I Have Done It!

It is quite amazing how the time passes by and I realize I have not blogged in quite awhile. Every day I think about it, know that I need to do it but will not take that time from my children. Then when the day turns to evening and the children are tucked away in bed, I have every intention of sitting down with my computer but I fall asleep. There were days nearly three months ago where sleep would not come. I would beg to get just a couple hours of sleep and now I can do nothing but sleep. I no longer stare at the ceiling crying for my Tadem who was taken from me much to soon. I no longer become anxious as I attempt to rest my weary head. I sleep and let me tell you, it is amazing! It is said that time heals a broken heart and I can say that it has. There are days where I wish I was waddling around with a big belly full of Tadem, with only 2 months until we were supposed to meet. It's just that I know Tadem was not meant to be here with us on Earth and I have accepted that. This weekend I hung Tadem's memorial plaque in our hallway at our new house, right in between our two living children's.

It was a special moment and when I hung it I looked at the smile (honest to God, he is smiling in it) in the ultrasound of our baby and knew that he was o.k. I did not cry or feel the tugs in my gut that I once had. I knew at that moment that I had met my goal. Healing Is Remembering Without The Pain...

I did it! There were days in the beginning I didn't want to step foot outside my door, wondering if I could face all of the ignorance in this world ever again but I have. Life does go on and as it does I continue to give thanks for the blessings that I have in my life and for the pleasure of carrying Tadem for the time that I did. God bless you sweet baby boy, you will never be forgotten.
We have had many, many moments of joy around our home lately. My boys are growing by the day and getting into trouble by the moment. Yesterday, lets see, Mason single handidly crawled into our pantry with our cat Harley and shared a snack of Iams cat food together. He ate a red crayon and chewed the tip of a (crayola non-toxic) marker off. Where was I you ask? Well I was attempting to get the children a snack when he ate the cat food but apparently I was far to slow so a kid had to do what a kid had to do. As for the crayon and marker, well I was, right in front of him at the table making valentines for all of Austin's classmates.

It's when he does things like this that I am grateful that I am an organic, all natural bit of a freak. For when he finds the diaper ointment cream and decides to snack on IT, I don't panic because pretty much everything you come across in this house will not harm my children should they eat. (I.E. Burt's Bees soaps, creams, etc.)
In any case, I wanted to share a couple of pics with you because really I just couldn't resist!
Here we are enjoying color, craft, valentine art time

Here we are eating the crayon...

And here is the aftermath of MaMa taking the crayon from him and digging what he has eaten out of his mouth...

And last but not least, here is his brother laughing at him for getting in trouble. Ahh, it's just beginning!

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Endless Love

So last evening Dave and I went to grief counseling together. Typically I go by myself but we thought it would be a good idea for him to go as well. It was Dave's suggestion and I am very proud of him for wanting to help me through this. As I tend to say, most of my days are great. In fact 90 percent of them are wonderful. Every once in awhile a day of mourning sneaks up on me and I fall apart. Having Dave go with me to counseling was a way for him to gain insight on where I am coming from and how he might be able to better help me when I am down. I won't lie, I was anxious on the way there. It's one thing to open up to somebody that, by law, is required to keep all that you say to themselves. It's another thing to just let it all hang out to your husband. Although, he has pretty much seen me at my worst among worst, it just felt different laying it all out there because I do keep what I am feeling locked away most of the time. I am a busy Mom and there isn't a lot of time to pity myself or open up to Dave about a lot of things. In some ways, I keep it to myself because I know it's hard for him to talk about so I don't want to drudge up sad feelings for him when he is in a good place. We learned last night that the more we talk, the better it will be for both of us. If I can tell him how I am feeling prior to breaking down then I am less likely to break down because I will feel that I have let some of it go instead of bottling it up. We also learned that the more Dave can talk about the loss of Tadem with me, the more I will realize that he acknowledges and accepts that Tadem was real and I won't feel so alone in this. Grief is a hard thing for anyone but men and women deal with grief so very differently. It was wonderful to have someone on the outside of this journey looking in, giving us ideas and coping tools. It is obviously very different for us to try and deal with it when we are both so raw from it. It has been 3 months now. I have made great, great strides in this healing process. I have accepted that Tadem is gone and that there will be a day when I will meet him again. I have accepted that Dave is going to handle this much, much differently than I will. I carried the baby and therefore my attachment will be greatly different than Daves and I know now that this is o.k. I am very happy with how our session went and felt that we were given wonderful tools to continue guiding us as a couple and as a couple battling a loss. I know there will be days ahead, especially as I near what was to be my due date, that will be hard for me. Even now I look at my flat (well almost flat, I have had two kids =) belly and wish it were round and hard and filled with Tadem but I know that is not what was meant to be. My life has continued on and I have dealt with this much better than I ever imagined I would. I am thankful to a husband who has never, even for one second given up on me. I am thankful for my beautiful boys who continue to make me laugh on a daily basis. I am confident that we will add to our brood when the time is right and that God will have a very large hand in our next pregnancy. There is fear there, where once there was pure anticipation but I know with my counselor, Dave, the many shoulders I have leaned on these past three months, and God that we will be blessed again someday. This loss has taught me so much, tested Dave and I in many ways but strengthened us in so many more. I will never (well, mostly never) complain about the trials of pregnancy again or wonder how I will make it in those newborn foggy days. For I now treasure those moments taken away to early more than I ever could have before this loss. I welcome the chaos and the abounding love that comes from a houseful of crying, screaming children and I can truly say I am looking forward to trying again. I know Tadem would be proud of me for accepting this and not letting it stop me from giving Austin and Mason a sister =) Wish us luck, for we are now teetering on the edge of the next mountain we are getting ready to climb...

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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

We Are In A Magazine!

Hi Friends,

I wanted you to know about this publication I’m a part of called Serious.Life Magazine. They just published the February issue today, and I am in their Featured Blog Directory. It’s a very high quality magazine… you’ll really like it.

The magazine includes a lot of great content from bloggers you’ll appreciate, as well as great features, photos and other content. The magazine is owned and published by a family who have seven kids, three adopted and one who has Leukemia ( The magazine gives away a bunch of ads to charities and ministries. Besides great articles on interesting people, there is a lot about family, adoption, personal finance, spiritual life, humor… all sorts of “life” topics.

Again, the subscription is free, and I know you’ll enjoy the magazine, so take a minute to check it out and sign up to get future issues.

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