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Showing posts from January, 2012

hospitals..../stream of consciousness

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We got the text last night around 12 that Dad was going to the hospital.  He has been sick for days with what we thought was the flu, but it turns out he has colitis and he is now enjoying his cocktail of morphine. As per usual his hospital room was filled with people and jokes were flying off the walls as if it were any ordinary day.  As much pain as he was in, I believe this happened to force him to sit still for more than an hour.  He has no choice but to lay there and get the rest he needs. If there is anything I have learned from having to sit for hours an days on end in a hospital room it's to rest and to take care of yourself. My Dad and I are both by nature very high strung people.  We go until we fall down, or get a migraine or well...colitis. I gave myself 3, yes 3 shots today to get rid of a migraine. I was positive I was next in line for a hospital trip, but after 3 rounds of "shark medicine" I am at least able to write.  Which leads me back to my point of re…
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Good heavens do I feel like I have lived a whole nother (and yes I just made up my own word thanks) lifetime since I last blogged. SOOO many pictures. So many changes. Like a lotta lotta changes.  Some good and some scary, but how would the good be good without those times that seem to strangle us with worry. It is a process I will never fully learn. I grow and evolve in that process daily.  Have I cried today~ oh hell to the yes.  Have I also rallied~mmm hmm! Cause thats what I do.  I have no choice. Today though I can say that I really and truly cried right in front of the boys.  I am not sure I can say I have ever allowed myself to just break down in front of them. I pride myself on that, but today oh' today, I bent over to turn on Masons new lava lamp (cause what 4 year old doesn't have a lava lamp, oh right just the West boys) and hit my head very hard on the windowsill.  I covered my face trying not to cry, but then a part of me said wait a second, the boys need to know …

morning ramblings of a heart mama

It is now 5:30 in the morning. I have been up since 2:45.  I have officially given up on sleep.  Ever.  I want so badly to go somewhere far, far away and know that my kids are taken care of and just hole up in a bed for days on end and hibernate.  Today I just want to know it's all going to be ok.  I sit here watching my boys sleep on the cameras and I just want to know that they will all be ok.  That through all of this they will be better, kinder, more compassionate people.  I live in a state of constant fear and that is so draining. So taxing.  I feel like I have nothing left at the end of the day.  I feel so exhausted right now.  Maybe it's because I don't actually ever sleep and this always come to a head at some point.  I recover and then the same process starts all over.  I feel guilty because I know people have it far, far worse than we do.  I know there are many sleeping on that vinyl couch I know all to well in a hospital room right this very moment.  That will b…

A Belated Birthday Letter

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It is now 2012 and I am finally just now writing Paxtons birthday letter.  I have been putting it off for quite some time, obviously, I guess I just wasn't ready to delve that deep.  To shed the tears of fear, the joy, the hardships, the love.
I recently started therapy again for as his next surgery approaches my anxiety has heightened.  I am on large doses of sleeping pills to no avail. I was awake the other night at 2 am upstairs eating guac and chips reading the hours away.  No drug can conquer a Mommys fear.  I stopped laying in bed letting my mind get the best of me and started reading instead.

Today I am ready.



Dear Paxton,

I am not sure words are capable of expressing the depth of my love for you.  Oh' I would love you just the same were you healthy, but there is something about seeing you so close to death. Clinging for your life time and again that adds an entire other element to us.  I am the one who can calm you at any given time.  My voice softly reminding you tha…