Once again

Once again I am writing about my boys. Keep in mind that I spend all day, every day with them so virtually everything I encounter has in some way to do with them. Aren't I blessed to spend all of my moments with them...

We went and got the boys hair cut today.  Austin did amazingly well, had you been there last time, you would know I was breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it praying for a more pleasant experience this time around.  It turns out that Austin had a truck, well actually I bought the truck to bribe him to be good but anyway,  it turns out that when Masons turn came around he decided that Mason needed the truck to make his hair cut  endurable too. So Austin once again, said in a very stern voice to get his brothers attention "Mae Mae!" and handed his brother the truck.  As much as Austin snatches, steals and kicks his brother, he turns around and loves him just the same. It's really very priceless and I just tuck all of these sweet moments away in my memory bank so I can look back on them when I am old and gray. Oh' wait, forget the gray part I have already started. 

Also my friend, Red Tide, came to visit for the first time since I found out I was pregnant with Tadem. Bittersweet. It reminded me that I shouldn't be getting my period as I am supposed to be 6 months pregnant. Then I remembered that I should be getting my period because that is Gods plan for me. Tadem is in heaven with Grandma and Gramps and getting my period means we can start trying again soon.  I am a wreck to be pregnant again.  I want it so badly yet I am scared to death and here is why:

I have been using an online support group to help me through this miscarriage. In doing so, it led me to many, many others that have endured so much more than I ever even knew possible. Suddenly my grief for Tadem seems selfish but I know in reality that it is not.  These Mothers and families that have endured illness in their child throughout their pregnancies and carried the babies to term only to have two or three precious hours with their child. I cannot even begin to imagine.  In some ways, I am jealous, I would love to have met our baby and in others I am grateful to have been spared that depth of grief. In reading their stories I look at my boys and relish every mess, tantrum and sleepless night that I am blessed to have with them. However, I am scared to death to get pregnant again. All of the neonatal illnesses I never even knew existed. One more worry to add to my millions already.  Once again, I remind myself that I must leave my journey in the hands of the Lord and pray that we are blessed once more.

 I just want to give thanks for my beautiful boys and my very, very forgiving handsome, charming and perfect (even when he's not) husband.  As Christmas rolls near I wonder where we will be next year at this time... I pray for health, safety and love as we continue on this blessed journey called life.    

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Whew! I just got home from a mad dash to get toilet paper. No lie! We were completely out, like peel the last off the cardboard roll out!  Those of you who know my husband know that he is very particular about his toilet paper. Like, when we go on vacation the first stop is to get Charmin in the "purple package." So needless to say he was completely freaked out when he realized we were out of t.p. 

Diapers, always on hand! Wipes, always on hand!  Wine, always on hand. Toilet paper....not so much!

Tomorrow Santa is coming to Austin's school. I am room Mom for the party. YAY!  I look forward to seeing Austin's reaction given that he completely freaked out when I turned the stroller toward him in the mall. So it will be interesting to say the least!