rainbow baby. it's the birth of a baby after the loss of one. a rainbow after the storm per se. i think there should also be a name for the birth of a baby after having one with special needs. i say that because there was nothing that could prepare me for the emotion that i would feel when i laid eyes on my healthy baby this go round.
even the simple moment of finally walking in to the birth place to actually, finally be there to have my baby this time instead of being there for a migraine or blood pressure. so many times before i longed to be there for the birth and it had finally come. we waited in the chair for our nurse to come get us. the double doors opened and out walked miss karen. i knew right away she was going to be awesome. i knew she was just the nurse to hand my letter to. the one i had typed weeks ago and filed in an envelope with the words "to my nurse" written on them. it was a letter explaining my last labor and delivery and what followed it. it explained how terrified i was to do this again. how terrified something would go wrong and how there would be tears and needed reassurance if she didn't mind. i handed that to her when she was stepping out of the room for bit. she came back, put her hand on my arm and said "i read your letter and will do everything i can to help you through this" and she more than did. after that we got things hooked up, meds started and i dozed off until around midnight when contractions woke me up. i had dilated to two centimeters already and by four i was four centimeters. i was moving along nicely and definitely feeling the contractions. the anesthesiologist was next door doing another epidural so we decided to go ahead and get mine. i am freaking terrified of epidurals. anything going into my spine doesn't sit well with me, but karen got me through and allowed me to squeeze the ever living hell out of her hands. we thought i would continue to dilate and have the baby come morning which led me to alert the family. they started filtering in around 7 when karens shift ended and right about when i stalled.
seeing talons turn purple literally made me freeze up inside and whats sad is that my mom happened to send this same picture to my dad who had gone back to work because talon took his sweet time and when he saw the picture he too noticed that talon looked purple. then he saw my face and immediately asked my mom if everything was ok and she said yes why. he said the picture made it look otherwise. my dad clearly has remaining fear as well. that doesn't ever go away i suppose. i spent the next hour staring at him, nursing him and loving him. such instant deep, seeded, overwhelming love. quite frankly the pictures tell it best...
and then it hit me. i had been up all night and i sit here today and can say i have never felt such sheer exhaustion in my life. i had been so far behind from the boys being sick, from being very pregnant, sick myself and then the long labor that i was maxed out. i remember as they prepared to move me up to recovery i could barely keep my head up. once i was all settled upstairs, dave and i just stared at him for the longest time. we couldn't wrap our heads around that fact that we had FOUR boys. it was then that we both looked at each other and agreed "what would we even do with a girl, we are such a boy family". nothing ever felt more right than adding talon to the mix. then i dozed off with talon tucked in right beside me. he wasn't leaving my side and luckily i had nurses that let me keep him in bed with me. i remember him waking me up in the middle of the night to eat and hardly being able to believe he was finally here. even through the exhaustion i relished every single moment. i relished being able to hold him whenever i wanted. i relished nursing him. i relished being able to sleep with him tucked in beside me. all i could think in those foggy, first hours were... "these are the moments i thank god that i'm alive. these are the moments i'll remember all my life". that song was like a distant lullaby that played in the background of my head those first days in the hospital.
growing my children, giving birth to them, that entire experience is what it's all about, for me anyway. i would relive it every day if i could. my proudest moments. ever. end. of. story. and to experience birth after a birth surrounded in fear. to experience healthy after unhealthy. to experience that release after holding on for so long. it's profound. it changes your very being. it's fierce. literally the only and best word i know how to describe it.