Friday, January 30, 2009

A Lifted Weight

(FYI, it's a long post but worth it at the end!)I wanted to write last night but I had so much on my mind. So much that I was sorting through that I just sat with it for the night and chose to try today to write. For starters, I won't lie my friends, for whatever reason, the day of therapy is a day of dread for me. I consider cancelling, don't really wanna go, watch the clock, but then I get there. I walk in the door and am immediatly comfortable. I start to talk and talk and talk. I find the time that I am there flies by. I walk out of her door and wonder why I had a sense of doom on the drive there for an enormous weight is always lifted when I leave. I feel heard, understood and happy. I feel that all that I am and am not, as I like to say, is perfectly o.k. She has a way of doing that to me, of making me realize that there is a reason behind virtually everything and that a great part of the way that I am was beyond my control.
As a child we are born with complete and utter dependence on those around us and as I verbally traveled and shared my journey through childhood into adolescene and onto adulthood with my newfound friend I realized that there are so many pieces to my puzzle that I had left out or maybe I did so intentionally. I found myself talking and as I talk and she listens, I begin to put the pieces together on my own and she smiles as she confirms my recoginition. Life is full of lessons, some we are granted because we want them and other times we learn these lessons because we have no other choice. These circumstances and lessons ultimatly make a child into the person they are going to be. I am one part of me because of my amazing father, I consider that the best part of me. The other part of me, the fearful and anxious part of me is a result of loss. Early childhood loss. As much as we think that it doesn't affect us, it really does more than we know. I am content knowing that there is a reason for it. That it can be controlled and that there is hope. We have control in this life and then there is a great part of life that is beyond our control. I know this logically but the powerlessness and lack of control are what paralyze me. I have written about these before and will continue to work on acceptance. Therapy is wonderful for me. I am grateful for it and will continue to go until I am better in control of the part of me that worries. I don't want to spend my days in this life worrying them away and regretting it at the end. I am taking baby steps towards controlling that and aren't I lucky to have such a great person to guide me through this next journey. Once again, I can say that baby Tadem has not only led me on this journey to fix my worries and accept my faults but he has led me to blogging, which in turn has led me to others who are going through the same or even different struggles in life. He has led me to a deeper, stronger and even beautiful side of me that may have been there all along but lay dormant until I felt a loss so deep it rocked me to my very core. My loved ones deaths have taken me to places of grief I had never gone but losing a child brought me to my knees! I stand here on the other side of it able to tell you that I did it! I pray and sometimes beg that it never happens to me again but I am strong. Sometimes and some days I doubt that, but ultimatly I am. Lastly and most importantly baby Tadem led me to God! I have, as mentioned in many blogs prior, found my way to the Lord through the loss of my child. If there was ever a lesson to be learned then that, above all was it! When I was in the depths of sorrow and grief so raw God came to me and lifted me up. I can say that I have never felt that presence so true in all of my life! I, now, know and believe with all that I am that when you go to him in your darkest hour, it is then as the poem goes, that he carries you. Thank you Tadem for leaving your mark on this world. For forever leaving your mark on your Mommy and leading me to a better, deeper life. I love you always sweet, sweet baby!
Taking pictures is such a great love of mine and with two toddlers running around, the opportunities are endless. I hope you all enjoy looking at their beautiful faces as much as I do. Nix that, nobody can ever love it as much as I do but I am so proud of them that I must share! Tomorrow when it's not so cold I will be sure to get some pics of their new haircuts! They were amazingly well behaved today given that I normally break out in a cold sweat when we go to get haircuts! Austin who normally kicks and flails his body about as if we were trying to put him in a straight jacket, sat with the cape on (which he never allows) and sucked on a lolli while she ever so gracefully cut his hair. I think my jaw was on the floor! I realized standing in the children's hair salon that my first born is growing up. He is maturing ever so slowly and I nearly lost it standing there as my boy checked himself out in the mirror in front of him. Nevermind that he proceeded to throw the biggest temper tantrum, everybody staring at us, what kind of Mother is she screaming, flailing, snot dripping, kicking meltdown you have ever seen at the carwash right after the haircuts. He is afterall, only a child and I was still so grateful for the wonderful behavior during his haircut that I just held him and wiped his runny nose with my hand and proceeded to wipe it on my jeans (my sister was horrified, but really he was arching and kicking so wildly that I didn't have the ability to reach in my purse for a wipe) and yes, I did still get him his chocolate milkshake that I promised for being a good boy. Ahh, the moments of Motherhood! Priceless and perfect. Each and every crazy, chaotic, messy moment. I would not change it for anything! Ever!
Enjoy the pics of beautiful babies.

Austin just getting over his bad cold. He had the chills so we bundled him up. Look at those baby blues...

Austin "bringing sexy back"

Mason "bringing sexy back"

Mommy and her oldest angel

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Just Checkin' In

I have been so busy lately that I haven't even had the chance to blog that much. I guess that would be considered a good thing, I am not sure... In any case I have been sleeping well which after so long of not, is a welcome reprieve. I have adjusted to the new house without any hitches. We made a point of making it ours and homey right away and this change has seemingly been very smooth for a girl who avoids it at all costs. Dave and I were out the other night and we ran into a friend of ours that we hadn't seen in awhile, in fact she didn't even know about Tadem or that we lost him, it had been that long. In any case, she did get our change of address card. She told me the night that we ran into her that she started to read the blog and just kept reading and reading. She said that she loved my writing and gave me a hug that spoke volumes. It meant a lot that she said what she said. She understood my writing and what it meant for me. She took time out of her busy life to read my story and I thank her for that. So Jenn (yes, she is a Jenn too) if you are reading this, thank you and it was truly wonderful to see you again! Also, that night when Dave and I were out, I learned that one of the teachers at Austins school saw us and recognized me. She couldn't place it at the time but she put two and two together today at school. She told Heidi, our babysitter who works at the school as well, that Dave and I were how married people should be. She said how sweet it was that we were all over each other and how sweet we were to each other. It made my day to know that not only are we that in love but that we portray it to others as well.

The boys are sharing illnesses back and forth at the moment. First, Austin had the nasty cold. Currently, Mason has it and I would say much worse than Austin did. He is coughing up a storm and just feels plain lousy. It breaks my heart because at their young age there isn't to much you can do for them. It's just one of those things they have got to work through. I won't lie to you, I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much they want to cuddle and snuggle when they are sick. They look up at me with those beautiful, watery eyes and I melt.
Austin will begin speech therapy next month and I pray that it helps catch him up. I know that each child develops at their own pace and although Austin isn't where he should be verbally, I know it is there mentally, so a little help from Miss Lorie and some coaching for Mommy will go a long way for our little man!
I have learned this past weekend that it is impossible to make everybody in your life happy. You can do everything in your power to avoid any drama or conflict with people in your life and it will make its way to you anyway. People will see things the way that they want to see them and run with it. Whatever you might have to say about it is pretty much null and void because conclusions were already drawn. I close tonight knowing that I try every single day to be a good friend and a good person. People will see things for all of the wrong reasons but if I know that I am not that way then I can rest my head at night knowing I tried. Tonight I have found peace knowing that I can only do so much and giving thanks for my amazing family, for our health and for our love. THAT is what truly matters to me...

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Everything's Gonna Be Alright

If you read my last post, you know that I had a rough day today. I just wanted to update and say that I am doing o.k. Sometimes you just gotta let it all out. So that is what I did and I am better for it. I picked myself up and dusted myself off and took my oldest baby to the grocery store for special one on one time.

When we came home I made Dave and Dave's dad homemade lasagna and the boys homemade pizza. Then we got to enjoy big belly laughs as the boys wrestled on the dog bed in my room! They really were full blown wrestling and it was hysterical! At this moment and for many moments to come, I am o.k and am accepting of our loss. I know I will see our baby again one day and will continue to count my blessings, for we are so blessed. I have the two most precious boys in the whole world and a husband who not only thinks the world of me but continues to be my rock when I am at my ugliest. In closing, enjoy the pictures of the boys wrestling and know that if you are reading this, I am grateful that you care.
Yes, everything's gonna be alright!

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Bumps In The Road

Today is a day I had not braced myself for. I believe I have been so busy with the move that it all came stumbling back to me now that we are settled. I am in the depths of grief right now. It's ugly and it's hard. I honestly can't say that I find myself thinking about Tadem as constantly as I used to but I know now that he is there, in my heart, for it flares up when I least expect it and it's powerful. The tears will not stop flowing. The anger builds and my husband is the receiving end of it. That's how it works. You take it out on the ones who will love you in spite of it. I am sorry for this, I am sorry for all of it. I sit hear with the tears falling down my face and I feel that if I just keep typing I will be ok. That maybe, just maybe this keyboard accepts me for all that I am and am not right now. I am so blessed in this life and I begin to feel guilty for feeling grief. I feel guilty for sitting in my comfort chair crying when my boys are in the other room. It doesn't happen often but when it does it's overwhelming. As I always say, just when I think I've got this. I fall apart. Maybe it's the thought that we can start trying again. I feel that I want to try again. I want to add to this amazing family that we have but I am overwhelmed with fear that we may lose another baby. That something will go wrong. Dave is ready. He is ready to try again and I just need to know that I am at a place that is strong enough to try again. I need to know that my pain and grief has rounded the corner towards acceptance. Almost every day I feel that I have made that turn and then a day like today rears its ugly head and I just don't know. If I were talking to my Dad right now, he would tell me to hit the curve balls. Given that he has hit so many of them, I know it can be done and let me tell you I am giving it my best shot. I am already doing better than I ever thought I would. I laid on that ultrasound table and thought how do I do this... but I have. I have done this. Each day is one more day towards healing. Though there will be many bumps in the road, I will keep pushing through. I will not let this beat me. I have so much to be thankful for. I know Tadem is in a better place than I could ever provide and I remind myself of that in my saddest moments.
Healing Is Remembering Without The Pain
I will get there, I almost am...

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Memorable Moving

Hello friends,
Forgive me for not posting for a couple of days. We had a big event happen in our lives. Well, most of you probably already know the event, but we moved. We are in our new home and I am on the computer. I am not unpacking boxes, cleaning or organizing. Nope, I actually have some time to spare. How I relish this time to just unwind. I am NOT supposed to be doing it in the evening but as of today, this is all the time I have. I think I read somewhere once that moving is one of the top three most stressful events in a persons life. Can I just CONFIRM THAT. It was long, stressful, slightly hairy at times and quite scary at times. For instance, the movers packed the boys car seats (that happened to be out of the car at the time) into the back of the moving van and we were unable to gain access to them for approximatly 5 hours; slightly hairy given that we had nothing in the old house and couldn't transfer them to the new one. It was also insanely hard to keep my two children from walking, sneaking, running or crawling through the open doors to our new home as the movers spent hours bringing furniture in. I had roughly 4 small heart attacks fearing the boys had bolted out the door the instant I removed my eyes from them for merely half a second. The days were long and went into the wee hours. Sleep was short but we are here and settled. My sister was amazing and helped us get organized and stayed up into the wee hours right along side us. How blessed I am to have had her here with me. We are in love. This home is what Dave has worked so hard to give us and he is glowing from ear to ear. I am so proud of him.

The boys are doing well. We have gone on walks, eaten spaghetti (what better way to break in a new house), broken in the new furniture and even in the midst of all the chaos we made time to go to the circus. They love the house and love to run about and hide from me. Mason and Austin have also officially started to battle. Mason has stepped up to the plate and now fights back. It was a full on wrestling match today in the driveway over who was going to drive the tractor. Austin is a pusher and Mason is a pincher. Aww, this is just the beginning! It makes me smile to see Mason begin to understand how to make his way in the world. So needless to say they have adjusted well and continued right on with their schedules I have worked so hard to have in place.

Austins school called me today. His teacher is concerned with his speech and I agree he probably does need to go back into speech therapy. He is nearly 2 1/2 now and still only uses one word at a time and he doesn't speak as much as other two year olds I know. Many of you may know that Austin did not walk or talk until very late. He was born with hypotonicity. This is a condition that causes the muscles to be overly soft or flax. Therefore, he was in therapy as a one year old to stimulate him to walk because he did not even attempt to walk or talk for a long time. Both helped and he was released but it seems that 2 year olds should have a vocabulary of around 400 words. Let me tell you, Austin may know 400 words but I wouldn't know it. He doesn't say anything other than what he has to and tends to only stick to the words he uses most. So, we will begin therapy again. For the greater part of the day, I was feeling like a bad Mom. I felt guilt for so many things. It's the t.v. or maybe I coddle him to much. It's this or it's that. I felt that it was my fault. Logically, I know it isn't. He just needs a little help, so help we will get.

In closing tonight, I am so grateful for this new home we are blessed with. I am grateful for my two boys who are healthy as are Dave and I. I have wonderful friends and family surrounding me and life is good. I revel in that and pray the future is just as bright. I have been sleeping, very well I might add. The hustle and bustle of the move has been a welcomed relief from my grief over Tadem. Although, his picture rests right beside me each night on my nightstand, my saddness has taken a soft turn towards acceptance. We are able to start trying again as of a week from now and I will just let God take control of what is meant to be. I thank him for this blessed life and I know that he will continue to guide me and support me in whatever the future holds for our family.

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

They Don't Call It Therapy For Nothin'

Today was the day that I took the next step towards healing and helping myself. As much as I was dreading it, I went to therapy. I didn't really know how to start but she helped me get the ball rolling and I found myself talking more and more. I immediately felt comfortable and it's one of those times when I can't really say why, I just did. I found myself telling her things I haven't told anybody, ever. I am forever grateful to her for looking me directly in the eyes and telling me that it is a very selfless way to feel. It's funny how you can feel something and have such guilt tied to it, only to turn around and have another person tell it to you a different way and suddenly it's o.k. No more guilt. She guided, she listened, she spoke at all the right times, she shared some of herself and she gave me hope. It was by far the fastest hour and a half in awhile and although she warned me that I might feel anxious when I left, so far I have not. I have felt nothing thus far but complete relief. Relief at finally feeling understood and heard. I miss my baby Tadem but I know it is what was meant to be. Today is a good day and I hope there are many more to come. I can say that I am trying, trying to do whatever I can to be the best Mommy and Wife that I can be. I am trying to do whatever I can to make me O.K.
It has been a long couple of months but tonight I feel hope and I am grateful for that. I know there will still be tough days ahead but if I have someone that can help me feel better equipped to handle them then I am all the more able to deal as they come.
I can't believe I am writing this because I feel like I have so much more that I want to say but I am TIRED! I really, really just feel the need to go to bed. It's been a long time and I hope that when I shut this laptop and close my eyes that my mind will quiet and I can fall into sleep.
Thank you to the new light I have found in this long tunnel called grief.
Good night beautiful boys across the hall from me, how Mommy loves you and will do all that she can to be o.k. for you.

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What A Day

Oh where to start. It was a long day of continuing to pack and trying to figure out where to put what and how to get the boys moved without completely throwing their life into complete chaos. I mean look at our living room. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that next week at this time we will be living in a new house and making new memories. I know its a good change, I just dislike change...I am almost like a child that needs time to adjust to anything new. We are most certianly in for a long weekend of last minute confusion and craziness to get us moved in by Tuesday. That being said, the movers are coming Monday, so we really don't have much of a choice...
So it was cold this morning. I say cold as a COMPLETE Florida girl. 40's is by no means cold to half our country but for us crackers 40's are cold. I knew that it would cool off as the night turned to morning so last night I put socks on the boys. Mason of course pulled his off the moment I put them on but Austin, well... I will just leave you with a picture of what my little guy did with his socks. Apparently, wearing your socks like this is all the rage right now with the toddlers...

Ok, many of you know what an organizing, neat freak that I am. In an attempt to be able to get things packed, I have sort of let the boys go to town on the playroom. I mean it LITERALLY looks like a hurricane tore through it. Mason also decided that my organizing bins are perfect for lounging and practicing his flash cards. It truly is monkey see, monkey do in this house and since Mason decided to sit in the puzzle bin. Austin had to as well. What I tried to capture in the photos is the fact that Austin had previously taken his diaper off and PEED, yes PEED in the bin full of flash cards and puzzles. I guess that's a start. Maybe my son will be being potty trained in a puzzle bin instead of his Diego potty. Dave says the puzzle bin is good target practice. Leave it to a man to completely GET why Austin peed in the puzzle bin.

And then there's the markers. I mean really, reading this blog alone, should leave you exhausted, imagine enduring it firsthand. It was a day of nonstop cleaning up one mess after another. All I can say is 7:00 p.m. was a sweet, sweet time tonight. I look forward to being settled in our new house and getting BACK ON OUR STRICT SCHEDULE.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009


In my quest to use this blog as a source of healing for me. I am going to write about my next step towards doing that. You see, there are days, actually most days, I am fine. I feel empowered, faithful and positive. It is the evenings that used to take me by surprise, although not any longer. I now find myself avoiding bedtime at all costs. I will stay up until my eyes are toothpicks before shutting the computer down, turning off the t.v. and lights just to take that next step. With my eyes barely open I eventually lay in bed, but it is then that suddenly my mind takes over and you would think I did about 45 shots of Red Bull because I lay awake for hours pondering all of life's uncertainties. I lay in my bed covers wrapped around me and I find myself missing my Tadem... I will begin to worry about the boys and what if something were to happen to them... What if something happens to one of them and I have no choice but to continue on for the other, but how would I... What if something happened to Dave, my rock... How would I manage without him... Then my mind goes off on a tangent about myself... What if something happened to me... Who would care for my boys like I do... The boys would be lost without me, especially my Austin Bear... My worries overwhelm me and then something as mundane as getting the laundry done seems like a mountain I just cannot climb! I am positive it's not depression, I am completely able to take care of my boys and get myself dressed and do all of things I am supposed to do. I think because I am so busy during the day that my mind catches up with me at night and all the thoughts of the day suddenly overwhelm me. We do want to start trying again for a baby in February, therefore I refuse to walk the line of sleep aids. I want my body to be as free from anything as possible when that time comes. I want to fix this the right way. So, I took that step today. I am going to therapy. A very good friend of mine recommended someone and I have to say, she sounds great on the phone. I only hope she can be so wonderful in person. I am NOT a therapy person. I don't feel comfortable around people I don't know in a day to day situation let alone with my greatest worries. I have planned on doing this since I found out Tadem went to meet Jesus but wasn't able to take that step. Last night when I was laying in my husbands arms sobbing with my babies ultrasound picture in hand, I knew it was time. I, for one, need sleep. Not sleeping is and always has been my greatest enemy. I know half of this battle towards healing is my need for sleep. I am proud of myself for doing something that is so out of my comfort zone. I want to be the best Mommy and Wife that I can be and if my body can't shut down to sleep, eventually I will lose it! So, that is my next step towards healing from this loss. Wish me luck on this journey and I will be sure to keep you updated!

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Not Me Monday

For the love of God, my list goes on and on for Not Me's this week. Oh' wait I didn't do any of this, it must have been my evil twin for I would never do these things.

For starters, I did not go to a friends house the other night for a cookout and play Wii bowling and love it. I abhor video games and would never take a liking to such a thing.

I also did not come home from that evening and put my son to bed in his t-shirt, diaper and shoes. Yes, I said that right, shoes! What kind of Mother does that. I am the biggest germ freak EVER, I would never forget to take my sons shoes off and only happen to see that he still had them on in the video monitor! (See, contrary to what all of the older women "who did just fine without a camera," say, they do come in handy, thank you very much)

I do not have 7 loads of laundry piled up begging to be taken care of. My husband has not asked me repeatedly for clean under wear and I have not sworn that today is the day that I WILL get caught up and don't.

I did not give my children chocolate milk at 10 this morning (My kids don't get chocolate milk) JUST THIS ONCE to keep them quiet at the grocery store. And it did not work like a freaking charm.

I have not worn the same pair of pants for like 3 days in a row now because they are so gal darn comfortable and because I actually do fit in my skinny jeans, thank you! We all know how nasty our pants can get with two kids under two. We all know how dirty they can get with all of the pawing they do with their grubby hands all day so I would never wear pants THAT much. (Hence, the laundry situation)

I am not STILL procrastinating with the packing! Its done, all of it, I swear! There are boxes packed all over the house. There most certainly are not folded, empty, not even taped into box form boxes strewn about my house and we are SO NOT moving in a week. One week people! Ugh! I would NEVER let such an event go so awry!

I did not go off on the woman at an unnamed car seat manufacturer for telling me that they would not replace my cracked car seat. I mean really, its cracked and in the weirdest, most I did not do that to the cars seat place. They do not want to do a full blown investigation as if I killed someone for a car seat. They in the meantime do not want me to keep my child in the cracked CAR SEAT, yes car seat, until it is determined if they will replace mine. I did not yell at her for making me have to go and ultimately get a new car seat because I will NOT put my child in a cracked car seat for obvious reasons while they decide whether I did this on purpose, you know in all of my free time, to get a replacement! I did not hang up on her.

OK and as of 5 minutes ago, my sons are not sitting on the couch eating a raw potato because it is keeping them (once again) quiet so I can cook dinner. I mean seriously, a raw potato, that's just desperate! It is not working and the boys are not taking huge bites out of it and smiling at me like I gave them a tub of Ben & Jerry's!

I also, did not walk into my bedroom, 10 minutes later, where the boys were eating the potato and watching Bee's to find the entire potato shredded and strewn about my room. I mean there was NOT pieces of potato covering our couch and floor. The boys did not take bites and then proceed to spit them out until the entire potato was gone. I could not have made hash brown casserole out of the piles of potatoes.

In closing tonight, I want to reitterate that none of this actually happened. I would not do any of these things and I hope that any of you reading this would not stoop to these levels either!

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Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Big Move

Well, I broke down and finally started packing. I have been avoiding it like the plague, truly. I started with, ahem, our walls. Given the number of photos plastered on every wall of our house, I figured that packing those would take an entire whole day in and of itself. That is where I began my long winded fantasy at being male. As a woman, I could not simply take down the pictures, wrap them and pack them away. Nope, I had to start looking at each picture, realizing that each one was in this house. Which led me to contemplate the thousands among thousands of memories we have made in this house. Which then led me to begin crying. Which made me wonder if I could move (not really, I am so outta here) but I did get very nostalgic. It was then, that I was like seriously, why can't I have the emotional capacity of a man. I would SO have this whole house packed and there would be no crying. I wouldn't stress, panic or freak at the smallest things. I would not have Mommy guilt. I would not have Wife guilt. I could fall asleep in 0.6 seconds without contemplating life and all of its uncertainties.

In all seriousness though, I actually love being a woman. I love feeling a baby grow in my belly. I love the power and pride in childbirth. I love the connection I have with my children, a connection that I believe is present only between a Mother and her child. I love that men will do ridiculous things for us women. I love that women "get it." I love (and hate) that we have such a connection with life and all that it is meant to hold for us. So, as much as the emotions get to me, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I AM WOMAN! A sappy, sensitive crybaby woman and I love it!

Ok, so after packing for awhile, the boys woke up. As we were getting ready to go to a friends for a cookout. Austin hit his head on the table (the boys love to play under the dining room table) and I ran over to give him a kiss. As I was leaning down, very quickly I might add, I slammed my own head into the arm of the dining room chair that Austin's head just so happened to be the exact height of. I was so concerned about him that I didn't even realize it was there. I hit my friggin head so hard I nearly passed out. I still have the biggest egg on my head from it and Dave swears I gave myself a concussion because I have had such severe headaches since I did it. The things we Ma Ma's will do for our babies!
We went over to our friends, Eileen, John and Jackson's, last night! We left Mason home because I knew we would be late and now that Austin is old he can hang out with us later, but Mason cannot stay up even close to that late without a full blown melt down. At first, Austin wanted nothing to do with Jackson because he had a Lightning McQueen car and he thought Jack was trying to take it from him when he was really just trying to play. After awhile and a lot of ignoring Austin's pleas to go "bye-bye" he gave in and had fun! Jack and Austin eventually ran around playing chase and getting into all the cabinets. They went out and ran on the golf course with their Dads and played with toys. Austin found a fire fighter hat and refused to take it off. Even though he couldn't keep it on his head without if falling down, he would still wear it AND play! It was the most precious, precious moment and I have to share the pics of my baby as a fireman with you!

And today after a late night out on the town.....

We stayed in our jammies allllll day baby!

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Thursday, January 8, 2009

I wanted to share a special moment with you

I have always been a reader. I read anything and everything I can get my hands on. Lately I have been reading blog after blog after blog. I never knew how big the blogging world was. It's powerful and sobering and heartwarming and reassuring to read the various different blogs. Some make me laugh, some make me cry, some remind me of how blessed I am even with our recent loss, some teach me how to be a better Mother. Whatever I am taught through these blogs, I am reading. Engrossed in another world, another life just as if I had a book in front of me. SOOO, tonight when I turned and saw this moment the boys gave me I had to run and grab my camera. I was glowing! I saw in the boys, my love for reading. I hope and pray that it continues as they grow. Reading has always been a love of mine, it's an escape, it winds me down at the end of a busy day and it teaches me so much. I know all that I know about so many things because I read and continue to read. I can only hope this long lived love of mine continues with the boys. This picture says all that I am trying to put into words...

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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Perfect Paisley

Today was bittersweet for me, I won't lie. My wonderful friend Andie, the one I threw the baby shower for, gave birth to Paisley Sage last night at 1:06 am. She was perfect and beautiful! I was terrified to go there. To the place I was supposed to be two months from now. I went for Andie, my friend. I am glad that I did because even though I was cranky and nervous even as we pulled into the parking lot, once I saw that baby girl I could be nothing but happy. She was Gods work right in front of me, no mistakes. I was beyond a shadow of a doubt so happy for them.
There is something to be said about the time you spend at the hospital during and after your baby is born. Its such a delicate, immersed time. You are drowning in love for this new little human you fell in love with the moment you laid eyes on him or her. You feel a sense of perfect security as you lay in your bed with nurses tending to you and your perfect child in your arms. The worries of the world are gone and you are given this personal time to worry about nothing. Its a surreal time and I long for it once it is gone.
I had both my boys at this hospital and the memories flooded my head as I walked in and out. I looked at the chairs where I waited for the nurse to come get me when my first baby was born. I sat in that chair with such anticipation for our life. I looked at the chair that I hung over as I endured powerful contractions with my second child waiting once again for the nurse to come get me, not knowing I was 6 cm dialated!!!! I looked next door on our way out at the hospital where I laid after losing our third baby. I know our time will come. Walking the halls tonight and hearing the sounds of tiny cries, hearing Paisley squeal and smelling her sweet smell reminded me of all the hope there is to be had in this world. I felt a peace in the midst of such anxiety lately. I felt Gods presence come and calm me as I looked at Paisley. He was saying I, too, will be blessed yet again. There is good in the world even with all of the bad. If I choose to let the good come, it will.
In closing tonight I am grateful to God for Andies perfect delivery and for her perfect baby. I am thankful for Gods gentle reminder that babies are born healthy and whole and that there is always hope. I am thankful for the strength he bestowed upon me tonight and I am thankful for my wonderful life.
I have put a picture of me in the hospital. My safe, secure, blissful escape from the world where only nursing my babies is a concern.

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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A Day In The Life

A Day In The Life Of A SAHM!

I attempted a little Picasso action in our house. Austin loved the brush and paint but Mason was more interested in stacking the bottles. The mess was so worth the smiles!

We also tried to get Austin a little more comfortable with his big boy potty last. Although he didn't actually go, the fact that he sat on it for more than 10 seconds was progress. The picture below shows the aftermath of an hour locked in the bathroom trying and mentally pleading him to just gooo! Notice the two potties, options and well desperation really. Water, lots of water and flash cards galore!

And after all the mess from painting we had to go straight to the bath to get all the dried paint off~the highlight of the boys day. They stand in front of the tub while the water is running and are waiting to be undressed and they scream. When I say scream it's more like a piercing screech that echos for miles. They get so excited!

And after bath it's cuddle time with Mommy, my favorite time of day, where snuggles are given freely as sleep settles in...
My favorite time of day!

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Monday, January 5, 2009

Another Not Me Monday

So we are preparing to move and by Lord am I overwhelmed. Let's just say it isn't easy to get things done when you have two children under two attempting to undo each step you take towards packing. On that note, lets get to my Not Me's, of which I have none =)

I did not allow my children to play in the cat food just to get 5 minutes to myself. I wouldn't do such a thing because then I would have another (but so worth the 5 minutes) mess to clean up!

I do not still have my Christmas tree up. I do not stare at it each time I walk by thinking I should really get on that. We ARE moving and all. Nope any sign of Christmas has been carefully wrapped and put away for next year.

I am SO not a procrastinator. I always do things on time. I know how much I have to do to get us moved in two weeks and I have not spent every free minute I have on the computer.

And lastly, I do not bribe my kids to give me kisses and cuddles. They willingly give them to me all day long. It's not that I offer them a cheese stick or jelly bean or even maybe a movie just for the opportunity to smell and kiss them. I WOULD NEVER do any of these things.

Until next time have no fear, I am on top of things and my kids are not full of jelly beans and cheese!

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Sunday, January 4, 2009

My Austin Bear

It's just that he loves to have his shoes on even when he doesn't have to! It's just that I love to watch those once chunky, now skinny legs run the house in exploration and wonder so I leave him in his diaper for a better view

It's just that he loves his trucks so much that he takes them to bed. It's just that I stand for an unknown amount of time watching him in his camera monitor as he gazes at his truck in the dark of night. And his love for trucks and my love for him are shared through one camera screen.

It's just that seeing his "pretty smile" never, ever gets old! In fact, I could and do spend all day staring at the beautiful, wonder that is my son!

It's just that there are no words...

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Easy Like Sunday Morning

It's amazing to me how at this time last night I was buried in the depths of grief and tonight I have risen above it to once again confirm how wonderful this life is. Even though we will not be blessed with Tadems earthly presence I know tonight that he is with us in spirit, our heavenly angel.

Today I opened our belated Christmas card from Daves dad, "Pa Paw" and he addressed it to Dave, myself, Austin, Mason and Tadem. I cannot even begin to tell you how that simple card struck me to the core. Last night I felt beyond a shadow of a doubt that Tadem was so forgotten and today God worked through Pa Paw to send me a gentle, unexpected reminder that he is anything but forgotten. How I love you sweet baby.


It was an easy day. Easy like Sunday morning as the song goes. I love Sundays! It's an excuse to take a nap, spend extra time cuddling as a family and enjoying simple moments with the ones we love.

The boys and I had a tickle fight, played merry go round in the laundry baskets and doused the bathroom with soapy water during a water fight at bathtime. The sweet, sweet sound of their laughter. It is the most beautiful sound in the world and I am so blessed to have those two boys to spend my days with.

Austin has started apologizing when he steps on Mason or if he brushes him when rushing by. He will turn and say to him, "say" which means sorry. He will also, and I truly mean this, stop in his tracks and kiss him. Sometimes he does it if he knows his brother hurt himself and sometimes he just does it for no reason. He did it several times today and good Lord in heaven, it is priceless!!!!! He also, and only a Mommy or Daddy for that matter, can find the puckering of the lips and smacking sound that Austin just started making when he kisses so gal darn endearing. Just melts my heart!

Mason is walking and walking and walking! I am so proud of him. He really just wants to be like his brother so badly that we haven't even really had to push him on the issue! It is only a matter of time before he is high tailing it around the house right behind his brother. Then we will have the smacking sound of fat feet times two up and down the halls. The pitter patter never gets old! Except maybe at 6 A.M.!!! Mason too, now leans in to give kisses, mostly only on his terms, but then that makes when I do get one that much more special!

Loves of my life!


And Lastly, to my awesome husband. I cannot even begin to tell you how sad I am that you have to go back to work. I know it's not an option but I have been blissfully happy with you at home with us so much! I wish we could spend every day together as we have spent this past week. I love you so much, my rock! Thank you for working so hard to provide for your family. To allow me to stay home and not miss a moment of our babies lives. For busting your "heiny" to get this new house for us. For sitting with me through the bad and the ugly and for sharing with me all of the good! Love you mean it!!!!

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Saturday, January 3, 2009

My Mae Mae

It's just that i can't stop kissing his fat feet over and over

or biting those chunky thighs just to hear his belly laugh

or stop staring at his oh' so edible ears


Oh' how I love this child!

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