The Wild Wild Wests

It's New Years Eve Day and I am going out for a night on the town with our friends. I am really just wanting to stay home and be with my boys but I know that would not go over well with Dave. In any case, I wanted to wish everyone a very Happy New Year! I just cannot believe it's 2009 already! Where does the time go? I feel like all of the years past are parts of a movie that I played in. I know I was there but it seems so long ago. At midnight tonight, I will kiss my "honey" and thank him for this blessed life that he has chosen to give and share with me. I will thank him for our boys and all that he has done for me. I will ask God for health, safety and peace for our family in the coming year! I am excited to see what 2009 has in store for us. As each day unfolds, I can only be grateful for my past and hopeful for our future. Happy New Year Friends! CHEERS to all that lies ahead!

WE DID IT! Well actually my husband did it! We just signed on our new house today! It is officially OUR new home! Our plans are to be moved in and somewhat settled by January 20th! Ahh, the list of things to do! You see, we have been house hunting for some time now and for whatever reason each time we chose, made a decision or were ready to go on a particular house coincidentally it was bought, pending or on fire! No just kidding! I now realize that is because we were meant to be in the home we purchased today. That being said, I sort of checked out of the whole house hunting/buying thing because I didn't want to be disappointed again. I would go look and give my thoughts but when Dave and I walked into this house we sort of looked at each other and just knew. Its perfect for us, in an amazing neighborhood, with great schools! I left all of the details to Dave and helped where I could but I knew how hard it is to get loans right now. So I hoped and prayed but knew that what was re...

I just got back from a girls evening out while Dave spent some "Man Time" with the boys. My sister, my cousin, my aunt and my mother all went to see the movie Marley and Me. For starters, good lord don't you just love Jennifer Aniston. Ugh, she is so perfect! The movie was fantastic. My sister was right, it really did remind me of my life. They have a crazy dog (Marley), we have two! They had a miscarriage, we did too! They wind up with three kids; two boys and a girl! We have two boys and are trying for a girl! Her name is Jennie and duh so is mine! She stays home and yep you guessed it, so do I =) The whole film just had an amazing resemblance to my life! I wish I could say that I look like Jennifer Aniston did in the movie too but really that would just be pushing it, hee! hee! I did well. I did not cry. I prepared myself before the movie knowing that it would be a tear jerker and the preparation kept me from dissolving into a puddle in public. In any case, I did...

Well, Christmas has nearly come and gone. It was a whirlwind of visiting friends and family. The boys are beyond exhausted. Being out late has made for tired and cranky kids especially since we are all fighting colds at the moment. I think Austin started to get the idea of presents this year, however once he opened one he was only interested in that ONE toy and didn't realize there were more to be had =) Mason didn't really seem to care to much. He opened a present or two but I don't think he really "got it" yet. He had more fun with a roll of paper towels he found in the laundry room than with any of the presents. Next year will be loads of fun as they will have both matured more. I enjoyed the company and of course the food. I think I have gained 10 pounds in the last 24 hours alone. Good thing I bought Dave a treadmill for Christmas. I will be needing it. As stressful as it was at times with the boys being so out of their routines, I would just take a deep...

Ever since we lost Tadem, the one thing that bothers me the most is that I don't know if he was a he or she. I just wanted to know so badly and we were unable to find out since "he" passed without our knowledge. So, I have been praying about it. I have asked God to give me a sign, if He felt that was o.k. I told Him that I wanted to know so I had one more finite thing to give to Tadems memory. Some closure... I have started to listen to Christian music. Thanks to Angie over at Bring The Rain, I found some wonderful songs that I can relate to and I downloaded them from I tunes. (Seriously, is there anything better than I tunes) Today was the first day that I put the cd in the car and played it for the boys. Not a peep! Not a single word from either of them. I sang to the boys and they listened! As I sang these beautiful songs, I literally cannot explain what came over me, all I know is that I had goose bumps from head to toe and for an instant I felt a peace I have never...

Not me Mondays, how wonderful it feels to just tell it like it isn't ; ) I did not let my children play in bed for an hour because I was just to lazy to get up, NOT ME! I did not get my kids completely dressed in short and t's only to step outside and realize it was cold, then turn around and change them again into warm clothes. I did not! I did not allow my children to have a chocolate milkshake at 10:30 this morning, nope NOT ME! I will not add my post to McMamas blog at #148 in hopes that somebody, anybody might enjoy my blog as much as I do. I will do NO such thing! I will not buy anything other than what is on the Christmas list while I am out shopping (alone) this afternoon. I will NOT add anything else no matter what I find or how on sale it is. I will NOT!

(You will understand later in the blog why this picture of my HUGE belly is here) I got to sleep in today, until 9:30. Can I tell you how amazing that was!  So, yesterday I bought my first bible.  It was a very personal decision for me and  I did so on my own. I really don't think I have even told anyone yet.  I have always had my faith, at times not as I should have, but it was there nonetheless.  Only now I would like to learn more. There are many, many unanswered questions that I have. Each time I pick up the Bible, I am highly overwhelmed, but I chose to take the plunge.  I hope whether I "get it" or not, that God will praise me for trying. I am hoping to find a person that might be able to answer my questions without me feeling insecure and dumb. I feel like at 29 years old that I should know all that I need to know, but I don't. I know that each day is a chance to learn more, to be more, to give more to others and to the Lord.  My life is busy and there are time...

Ok so thanks to one of my favorite friends Eileen, I now LOVE, LOVE, LOVE appletinis!  We got together for the first time in over a year. Seriously my friends, its been a year and I just love her! We live like 10 miles apart and we just haven't gotten together and we don't know why. So we met at Brio last night and picked up exactly where we left off. That's why I love her!  Not one uncomfortable, oh crap what am I gonna say next moment the entire time. As I mentioned last night, I would surely come home having peed my pants!  Well I DID  almost did! She just friggin makes me laugh and loudly!  She gets it! That doesn't happen often for me, oh' and if she wasn't funny enough, she LOVES rap music ( my love for rap music is a dirty little secret of mine) Hello, woman after my own heart! Oh' AND she loves to shake her money maker dance and to rap music! Forget it! Friend soul mates forever ; ) Anyway, we had a blast and I am soooo hoping New Years pans out and...

Today was Austin's Christmas party at school. I volunteered to be room Mom to help! At first it didn't go well and I was thinking good Lord why did I say I would do this please let this pass. Austin was freaking out because when I typically come to school it's to pick him up and leave. Exactly what he wants! Today, he couldn't grasp the concept that we were staying for a party together.  So I ignored him and after awhile he decided to join in on the fun!  I just wanted to say that it was so much fun to watch him get involved. It was amazing to me to watch him sprinkle his cookie, o.k. pour the entire bottle of sprinkles on his cookie because I was to busy taking a picture to notice but whatever! It was mind blowing how quickly my first born is growing up!  I was driving home today after the party and I passed my old job, that I really did love.  However, I normally don't go that way but I believe God put me on the path to pass my old job to remind me how blessed I ...

Dear Ashley, I am sitting here while the boys sleep and I was thinking about your faith.  I know that you want to be just like me, o.k. well you ARE just like me and that makes me proud. I am proud that I have done enough in your 12 years (hee! hee!) o.k., o.k. 13 years here on this Earth to have made an impression on you. I hope that I can teach you many things about life and I hope that when you are old enough to understand them all that you will be guided as I have been. When I was little Grandma (Dads mom, whom you were never given the honor of meeting) used to take me to church every Sunday. At the time, it did not impact me as it should have. Instead, I would moan and groan that I wanted to be outside playing. Then we lost her. I lost my Mom. I lost Grandpa (who you did get the honor of meeting and I hope our final moments with him left an impression on you) and I began to wonder about life after death but it never really hit me until I became a Mommy. What happens when we are go...

Once again I am writing about my boys. Keep in mind that I spend all day, every day with them so virtually everything I encounter has in some way to do with them. Aren't I blessed to spend all of my moments with them... We went and got the boys hair cut today.  Austin did amazingly well, had you been there last time, you would know I was breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it praying for a more pleasant experience this time around.  It turns out that Austin had a truck, well actually I bought the truck to bribe him to be good but anyway,  it turns out that when Masons turn came around he decided that Mason needed the truck to make his hair cut  endurable too. So Austin once again, said in a very stern voice to get his brothers attention "Mae Mae!" and handed his brother the truck.  As much as Austin snatches, steals and kicks his brother, he turns around and loves him just the same. It's really very priceless and I just tuck all of these sweet moments aw...

Tadem West is now officially the name of a star. The Stellar Star Registry has named a star (coordinates and all, but way to complicated for us to interpret) after our precious baby! I can now look in the sky and know that one of those beautiful stars is my baby shining down on me each and every night.  I like to think that the star I wish on every night (as previously mentioned, yes I wish on a star each night, and yes its the "first star I see tonight" for those of you who know the saying = ) just so happens to be Tadems. Until we meet again, Tadem will be shining down on our family and guiding us through out our days.  How lucky are we....

1.) Ok so today as we were getting into the car, Austin realized that his brother Mason did not have a paci, so he climbed into the car on Masons side as I buckled him in. Austin stopped and said  "Mae Mae!" then he proceeded to put his paci into his brothers mouth.  A puddle! That's what I turned into.  It was such a tender moment between brothers.   2.) My "Honey" ( I say it in quotes because Dave and I call each other that and Austin took a liking to it too. Only he says it more like "huuunnnyyy") So anyway, my "Honey" wrote me an email and I have copied and pasted it below: HONEY, I WANTED TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TELL U THAT U R THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. THANK U FOR BEING THE BEST MOM I COULD HAVE EVER CHOSEN AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THE BEST WIFE AND FRIEND. I AM EXCITED TO BUY THIS NEW HOUSE AND RAISE OUR FAMILY IN A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD. LUV U MEAN IT  MEEEE. See there's the "Honey" I told you about. How sweet is that...

Well, it's been a few days since I have written. It seems the time slipped away from me this weekend. We had a garage sale to get rid of all the excess crap around the house. Our crap accumulated $600 worth of profit and what is left, we will give to charity.  The sale was a success! Woo hoo!  I have been doing well and I am so thankful for that. I am enjoying the holiday season and can't wait to see the boys light up when they see what Santa got them this year (it's a little bulky and over the weight limit of his sleigh so he had it Fed Xd to the house early and we got it yesterday =) In any case, after an hour and a half of putting it together (Santa does not do assembly much to Dave's dismay) and a lot of under the breath cursing, it is ready and waiting for the big morning.  We had a family get together tonight for my belated birthday, Pa Paws and Me Mes as well.  It was fun to have us all together. Chatting between mouthfuls of chinese food and dodging flying pickl...

Last night was a rough night but I made it through as I always do. It is raining so much today and it makes for dreary weather. Austin went to school and Mason and I went grocery shopping together. He loves the one on one time. Now the boys are napping and I just got off the phone with my favorite nurse Susan. She reminded me that everything I was feeling last night and everything that I continue to feel is completely normal. She is happy that I am expressing my grief because if I were to hold it all in, it would come out very ugly at some point. I just needed someone to tell me that I am ok, that I am allowed to grieve for however long I need to and that it takes time. I feel very rushed to get over this pregnancy. I do have two beautiful children and am so blessed it brings me to tears but I did have a third child and that child died. If I did not grieve or mourn that loss then I would not be a very good Mother. I continue to care for my children and am able to do so without them kno...

I am writing again tonight because if I don't write I may very well lose my mind. My family sleeps and I lay in bed crying, praying for the NyQuil to kick in and for me to come out of the saddness. I feel manic at times. My good days are so good and my bad ones are so low. I am engulfed in the saddness and panic sweeps over me for my husband and my boys. This loss has crushed me, how, how, would I continue on if something happened to one of them. I panic and cry and panic but there is nothing I can do but wait for it to pass.  I cannot live a life of fear and panic and on my good days I don't (well mostly I don't =) tonight I am panicked. There is so much loss, so many awful things going on in the world, how do I keep my kids safe, what if they aren't healthy, what if I am not, who will care for them like I can. It's like a domino effect. One worry leads to another and I am so overwhelmed. I pray for it to pass, I pray for strength. I check the camera one more time ...

Today was a hard day.  We are having a garage sale this weekend and in doing so I have been going through things in the house deciding what to sell. I found my memory boxes for the boys and went through them.  I looked at their ultrasound pictures and looked at what they were at 17 weeks and what Tadem should have been.  I miss Tadem, I miss what should have been, I miss my belly. I should be feeling kicks and hiccups by now, instead I am empty.  I know Tadem is in a better place, its just that on the bad days I get selfish and want my baby back.  I now carry fear about pregnancy where once there was joy.  I wish on my star each night that I won't lose another baby.  Everyone continues on and every day I grieve, silently.  I have two perfect children and they bring me happiness each day and I know without a shadow of a doubt how blessed I am. I just need the world to realize that just because I have two perfect children does not mean that Tadem meant any less to me.  That was my ch...

Headed downtown, twinkling lights, waving "hi", fire trucks, tons of pictures, running children, lots of laughs, smiles galore, packing up, driving home, stopping for shakes, into pj's, tucking in, sleeping soundly... 

Mason and Austin had their first night together in one room last night and they did amazing. This morning when they woke, they talked and played. We could see Austin in the camera handing his brother his paci. So very, very cute. Nap time today went just as well. The boys just love each other so much and it melts my heart to pieces.  Mason is SOOOO close to walking. He took two steps on his own at the play zone in the mall today. For some reason he likes to walk sideways but once he realizes that he can do it, he will be off and running after his brother morning, noon and night.  Austin learned to say "oh shoot" today and he thinks it is absolutely hilarious. It's like he knows what we all really want to say...I went for another run and felt pretty darn good. Needed to get out there and loosen up, I was so sore from Saturday and when the boys jump on me I can barely stand it but tonight helped. I think I need an outlet, a place to burn off some steam and Dave is gracious ...

I did not write yesterday,  it was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I have come to realize that grief is a long process and that just when you think you are going to make it, you have the saddest day yet and I also learned you have no control when it will make its way to you. Dave's Mom and stepdad Larry came to see us this weekend. It was a very nice time and the boys absolutely fell in love with "Pa Paw"! They would not leave his side and I have to say he is an absolute gem with children. Such a gentle, gentle soul. I was grateful he was here to distract the boys from my saddness and guilt.  I just couldn't pull myself out of it. I showered, ran 3 miles (which I am paying dearly for now) and then to top it off after I gave the boys a bath and was emptying out the tub Mason snuck up behind me and fell face first into the tub. He was bleeding everywhere, screaming at the top of his lungs, I was yelling. It just topped off the day I couldn't seem to...

Today was my Daddy's birthday! Such a good man and after watching him nearly die of a heart attack I am so happy he is here to celebrate this day!  I have to say I was sad today. In last nights entry I mentioned a dear friend of mine who was enduring a loved ones illness. Today that loved one did not make it. My heart breaks for her, for her loss, for her long road ahead.  It's the holiday season and she will always remember this time of year as a time of loss now. I pray tonight for her to find peace. If anybody can, I know that in time, she will.  I think the loss today reminded me of how much I miss Tadem as well. I am doing so well most of the time but there are moments where my mind wanders off and I wish Tadem were tangible to us.  I know these moments will come and go. I  know that as sad and painful as they are to endure, they do pass. I will turn around and see Mason reaching his arms out to me and how can I not smile!  How can I not laugh when Austin tells me his best...

Tonight the four of us went downtown to see the lights, the bands and all the festivities to celebrate the holiday season. It was a simple night but the boys enjoyed the balloons and the singing!  I love to get them out and in different environments. I love doing simple things as a family.  A very, very special friend of mine has a close loved one enduring a very serious illness as I write this. It is breaking my heart to know how much fear and worry she is having to face at this very moment. I am asking anyone who knows the power of love and prayer to take a simple second in this crazy, busy life to send a prayer out for her.  As we scurry about her loved one is fighting for life. Please remember how precious life is and that you just never know, so relish and be grateful for every moment! Tonight I found peace walking down the street with my family knowing that we are healthy and safe.  

We got our Christmas tree tonight! Dave was so into decorating it and it warmed my heart. I love how he gets into that kind of stuff!  It was fun to go through our Christmas bins and see all of our old ornaments and family Christmas cards. I realized how big the boys are getting. Last year at this time we had a 3 month old and 13 month old! How crazy is that? This year, as you will see in the picture, we have baby gate around the bottom of the tree. Although I am pretty sure those boys will find a way to get over, through it, or around it; at least we can say we tried. I saw a star tonight and I wished on it, yes I do that. I wished that my family continues to stay healthy and safe in the coming  year. Last night I wished that when we try again for baby number 4, I don't lose it... I have faith that the New Year will be good to us. I find wonder in my children each day and amazement in this crazy, beautiful life. 

Just in case anyone ever doubted why we have our kids so close together, here you go, take a peek at this picture. These two boys love each other so much. Austin won't eat without Mason at the table and Mason follows Austin everywhere in life. He wants to be just like him! The boys were on top of their slide screaming at the top of their lungs to whoever would listen!  Such enjoyment and the best part is, I got to clean up dinner while they were both happy at the same time, rare as that is!   P.S. Yes that is spaghetti sauce all over their faces, eek! We were headed to bath as soon as I was done cleaning up, I swear ; )

Since losing baby Tadem I have become a bit more introspective than I already am. I decided to start this blog today on a complete whim to remind myself every evening of the simple pleasures and blessings in life!  It is my "high tech" way of journaling and also being able to share it with those I love!  We just celebrated our first Thanksgiving as a family of 4! It was a ton of fun with the family over and friends stopping by. We also managed with a wee bit of oven trouble to get a mouth watering turkey!  Today, I am giving thanks for a beautiful cool day that allowed the boys to play outside virtually all day together. It brings me such joy to see their beautiful smiles!  As sad as this past month has been, I realized sitting in the sunshine today and listening to the squeals, that we are so very, very blessed this holiday season!  What are you thankful for?