Thursday, January 15, 2009

They Don't Call It Therapy For Nothin'

Today was the day that I took the next step towards healing and helping myself. As much as I was dreading it, I went to therapy. I didn't really know how to start but she helped me get the ball rolling and I found myself talking more and more. I immediately felt comfortable and it's one of those times when I can't really say why, I just did. I found myself telling her things I haven't told anybody, ever. I am forever grateful to her for looking me directly in the eyes and telling me that it is a very selfless way to feel. It's funny how you can feel something and have such guilt tied to it, only to turn around and have another person tell it to you a different way and suddenly it's o.k. No more guilt. She guided, she listened, she spoke at all the right times, she shared some of herself and she gave me hope. It was by far the fastest hour and a half in awhile and although she warned me that I might feel anxious when I left, so far I have not. I have felt nothing thus far but complete relief. Relief at finally feeling understood and heard. I miss my baby Tadem but I know it is what was meant to be. Today is a good day and I hope there are many more to come. I can say that I am trying, trying to do whatever I can to be the best Mommy and Wife that I can be. I am trying to do whatever I can to make me O.K.
It has been a long couple of months but tonight I feel hope and I am grateful for that. I know there will still be tough days ahead but if I have someone that can help me feel better equipped to handle them then I am all the more able to deal as they come.
I can't believe I am writing this because I feel like I have so much more that I want to say but I am TIRED! I really, really just feel the need to go to bed. It's been a long time and I hope that when I shut this laptop and close my eyes that my mind will quiet and I can fall into sleep.
Thank you to the new light I have found in this long tunnel called grief.
Good night beautiful boys across the hall from me, how Mommy loves you and will do all that she can to be o.k. for you.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i am glad that you have decieded to go to therapy im sure it will be very helpful.<333

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