Tuesday, January 13, 2009


In my quest to use this blog as a source of healing for me. I am going to write about my next step towards doing that. You see, there are days, actually most days, I am fine. I feel empowered, faithful and positive. It is the evenings that used to take me by surprise, although not any longer. I now find myself avoiding bedtime at all costs. I will stay up until my eyes are toothpicks before shutting the computer down, turning off the t.v. and lights just to take that next step. With my eyes barely open I eventually lay in bed, but it is then that suddenly my mind takes over and you would think I did about 45 shots of Red Bull because I lay awake for hours pondering all of life's uncertainties. I lay in my bed covers wrapped around me and I find myself missing my Tadem... I will begin to worry about the boys and what if something were to happen to them... What if something happens to one of them and I have no choice but to continue on for the other, but how would I... What if something happened to Dave, my rock... How would I manage without him... Then my mind goes off on a tangent about myself... What if something happened to me... Who would care for my boys like I do... The boys would be lost without me, especially my Austin Bear... My worries overwhelm me and then something as mundane as getting the laundry done seems like a mountain I just cannot climb! I am positive it's not depression, I am completely able to take care of my boys and get myself dressed and do all of things I am supposed to do. I think because I am so busy during the day that my mind catches up with me at night and all the thoughts of the day suddenly overwhelm me. We do want to start trying again for a baby in February, therefore I refuse to walk the line of sleep aids. I want my body to be as free from anything as possible when that time comes. I want to fix this the right way. So, I took that step today. I am going to therapy. A very good friend of mine recommended someone and I have to say, she sounds great on the phone. I only hope she can be so wonderful in person. I am NOT a therapy person. I don't feel comfortable around people I don't know in a day to day situation let alone with my greatest worries. I have planned on doing this since I found out Tadem went to meet Jesus but wasn't able to take that step. Last night when I was laying in my husbands arms sobbing with my babies ultrasound picture in hand, I knew it was time. I, for one, need sleep. Not sleeping is and always has been my greatest enemy. I know half of this battle towards healing is my need for sleep. I am proud of myself for doing something that is so out of my comfort zone. I want to be the best Mommy and Wife that I can be and if my body can't shut down to sleep, eventually I will lose it! So, that is my next step towards healing from this loss. Wish me luck on this journey and I will be sure to keep you updated!

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i think that is a great decision and hopefully it will be very helpful.

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