Friday, January 30, 2009

A Lifted Weight

(FYI, it's a long post but worth it at the end!)I wanted to write last night but I had so much on my mind. So much that I was sorting through that I just sat with it for the night and chose to try today to write. For starters, I won't lie my friends, for whatever reason, the day of therapy is a day of dread for me. I consider cancelling, don't really wanna go, watch the clock, but then I get there. I walk in the door and am immediatly comfortable. I start to talk and talk and talk. I find the time that I am there flies by. I walk out of her door and wonder why I had a sense of doom on the drive there for an enormous weight is always lifted when I leave. I feel heard, understood and happy. I feel that all that I am and am not, as I like to say, is perfectly o.k. She has a way of doing that to me, of making me realize that there is a reason behind virtually everything and that a great part of the way that I am was beyond my control.
As a child we are born with complete and utter dependence on those around us and as I verbally traveled and shared my journey through childhood into adolescene and onto adulthood with my newfound friend I realized that there are so many pieces to my puzzle that I had left out or maybe I did so intentionally. I found myself talking and as I talk and she listens, I begin to put the pieces together on my own and she smiles as she confirms my recoginition. Life is full of lessons, some we are granted because we want them and other times we learn these lessons because we have no other choice. These circumstances and lessons ultimatly make a child into the person they are going to be. I am one part of me because of my amazing father, I consider that the best part of me. The other part of me, the fearful and anxious part of me is a result of loss. Early childhood loss. As much as we think that it doesn't affect us, it really does more than we know. I am content knowing that there is a reason for it. That it can be controlled and that there is hope. We have control in this life and then there is a great part of life that is beyond our control. I know this logically but the powerlessness and lack of control are what paralyze me. I have written about these before and will continue to work on acceptance. Therapy is wonderful for me. I am grateful for it and will continue to go until I am better in control of the part of me that worries. I don't want to spend my days in this life worrying them away and regretting it at the end. I am taking baby steps towards controlling that and aren't I lucky to have such a great person to guide me through this next journey. Once again, I can say that baby Tadem has not only led me on this journey to fix my worries and accept my faults but he has led me to blogging, which in turn has led me to others who are going through the same or even different struggles in life. He has led me to a deeper, stronger and even beautiful side of me that may have been there all along but lay dormant until I felt a loss so deep it rocked me to my very core. My loved ones deaths have taken me to places of grief I had never gone but losing a child brought me to my knees! I stand here on the other side of it able to tell you that I did it! I pray and sometimes beg that it never happens to me again but I am strong. Sometimes and some days I doubt that, but ultimatly I am. Lastly and most importantly baby Tadem led me to God! I have, as mentioned in many blogs prior, found my way to the Lord through the loss of my child. If there was ever a lesson to be learned then that, above all was it! When I was in the depths of sorrow and grief so raw God came to me and lifted me up. I can say that I have never felt that presence so true in all of my life! I, now, know and believe with all that I am that when you go to him in your darkest hour, it is then as the poem goes, that he carries you. Thank you Tadem for leaving your mark on this world. For forever leaving your mark on your Mommy and leading me to a better, deeper life. I love you always sweet, sweet baby!
Taking pictures is such a great love of mine and with two toddlers running around, the opportunities are endless. I hope you all enjoy looking at their beautiful faces as much as I do. Nix that, nobody can ever love it as much as I do but I am so proud of them that I must share! Tomorrow when it's not so cold I will be sure to get some pics of their new haircuts! They were amazingly well behaved today given that I normally break out in a cold sweat when we go to get haircuts! Austin who normally kicks and flails his body about as if we were trying to put him in a straight jacket, sat with the cape on (which he never allows) and sucked on a lolli while she ever so gracefully cut his hair. I think my jaw was on the floor! I realized standing in the children's hair salon that my first born is growing up. He is maturing ever so slowly and I nearly lost it standing there as my boy checked himself out in the mirror in front of him. Nevermind that he proceeded to throw the biggest temper tantrum, everybody staring at us, what kind of Mother is she screaming, flailing, snot dripping, kicking meltdown you have ever seen at the carwash right after the haircuts. He is afterall, only a child and I was still so grateful for the wonderful behavior during his haircut that I just held him and wiped his runny nose with my hand and proceeded to wipe it on my jeans (my sister was horrified, but really he was arching and kicking so wildly that I didn't have the ability to reach in my purse for a wipe) and yes, I did still get him his chocolate milkshake that I promised for being a good boy. Ahh, the moments of Motherhood! Priceless and perfect. Each and every crazy, chaotic, messy moment. I would not change it for anything! Ever!
Enjoy the pics of beautiful babies.

Austin just getting over his bad cold. He had the chills so we bundled him up. Look at those baby blues...

Austin "bringing sexy back"

Mason "bringing sexy back"

Mommy and her oldest angel

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