It's A Long Road

January 03, 2009

We will start sad and end happy, how does that sound? I had another rough night tonight. I think when I get sad it would probably be a 24 hour period of weeping however I refuse to let my children see me in that state so I am forced to only cry at night and it winds up lasting a few days. Grief is thick and heavy and messy. My husband and I grieve so differently. It's not to say one is right or wrong, just different. I feel like a cat that has fallen in a deep tub of water and is clawing its way out. That's how I feel about the memories I want to keep of Tadem. I am clawing, so fiercely to keep that baby's memory alive and I claw because I feel the world has moved on and forgotten. Everybody is present and there with you emotionally at the beginning and then naturally, everyone gets back to life and Ma Ma Bear is left with what was "supposed to be." Left with the pictures of her baby and the memories of saying good bye. Dave has been amazing, although at times I can see him struggling with what to say that will make it right, he tries so hard. He tries so hard to do what is best and not say anything that might upset me. I get mean, I get ugly, I cry, I panic and all the while he stands there, my rock! He says he is not a good husband because of how he grieves quietly but he is so the opposite for standing by me in my darkest moments. I know the engulfment of grief will pass if I let it. I know Tadem is in a place I could never, begin to provide. I know that God knows what he is doing and as hard as it may be to accept, he does not make mistakes. I know that as terrified as I am to try again that we will and that trying again does not mean I love Tadem any less. I know these things, I do. It's just that grief speaks its own language and I have yet to learn it.

In regards to yesterdays post, I must tell you a funny one. I started the post by saying that I tried on a pair of jeans that fit a month ago and now they are skin tight. I know I ate a lot during the holidays but not THAT much. Wellllll, I went into my jean drawer today and saw the same pair of jeans in there today but I knew I had put yesterdays in the laundry. Hmmm, took awhile for my very tired brain to put two and two together but those jeans I had to jump off a roof to get into yesterday were MY SISTERS!!!! My 13 year old sisters, ~~lets disregard the fact that they were mine and I fit in them a year ago but don't now so I gave them to her~~ whew! I really didn't gain THAT much weight. Now I still need to lose, oh yes I do, but at least I know I can still fit in my "fat" jeans. When you can't fit in your "fat" jeans, it's not good!

The boys, my boys, are wonderful! Mason is almost a total walker now! He is darn cute when he walks! Just like his daddy, only he's a baby gorilla! I am so proud of him and made it my mission today to get video and still shots of my Mae Mae stumbling around like a man just getting home from a night out on the town. He has turned into my little love bug and I can't even begin to detach him from my hip. If I had a pouch I would carry him in it 2-4-7! Austin is going through a fake crying stage, it's quite funny and you can't even begin to take him seriously because he just looks so darn cute trying to be angry with us. They have both found their voices and love to scream. One goes, then the other. It's quite comical but I will warn you, it's a good idea to pre medicate before coming to our house!