Friday, January 2, 2009

It's A New Year!

So I was a little grumpy today! I put on a pair of jeans that were big on me a month ago and they were absolutely skin tight today. I was just so sad! I realized today that I have eaten my grief. There is no excuse for it but I was sad so I ate junk to try and make myself feel better. It's time to stop! I want to have another baby, and soon, but I don't want to go into the pregnancy already overweight and then gain that much more while pregnant. I ran tonight on the treadmill. I didn't want to because by the end of the day I am just so tired, but there is never really a good time and if I don't start somewhere I will always find an excuse. We have a lot going on in the next month so I have to really try to stay on track. Even if it's just 30 minutes a day. I have to watch what I eat and stop using french fries to soothe my aching heart. I miss Tadem, I miss what was meant to be. New Years was bittersweet for me. It's a fresh start and a chance to try again but a part of me felt like I was saying good bye to the dreams I had for Tadems pregnancy. I remind myself that he is forever in the Lords grace and I forge on for the boys I am blessed with here.

Every day I look at my boys and cannot help but become overwhelmed with my love for them. I worry that something will happen to them. Sometimes I panic (which the doctor said is normal after a loss) that I will lose one of them. I have to try and control my thoughts at night because I love my family so much that I just don't know what I would do. I have to remind myself of one of my favorite quotes:

As a mother my job is to take care of what is possible and trust God with what is impossible.

I do what I can. I feed them healthy foods, watch out for their safety, help them to grow and love the daylights out of them. The rest I must leave up to a power that I, ultimately, have no control over. Life is so good. My husband and my children are here and healthy. I am healthy. There is nothing, NOTHING that matters more, not even a little extra weight.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

just think in a few months you will get a belly again not by weight but because you'll be pregnant. tadem is forever and you and I will always love him! <333

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