Sunday, January 25, 2009

Bumps In The Road

Today is a day I had not braced myself for. I believe I have been so busy with the move that it all came stumbling back to me now that we are settled. I am in the depths of grief right now. It's ugly and it's hard. I honestly can't say that I find myself thinking about Tadem as constantly as I used to but I know now that he is there, in my heart, for it flares up when I least expect it and it's powerful. The tears will not stop flowing. The anger builds and my husband is the receiving end of it. That's how it works. You take it out on the ones who will love you in spite of it. I am sorry for this, I am sorry for all of it. I sit hear with the tears falling down my face and I feel that if I just keep typing I will be ok. That maybe, just maybe this keyboard accepts me for all that I am and am not right now. I am so blessed in this life and I begin to feel guilty for feeling grief. I feel guilty for sitting in my comfort chair crying when my boys are in the other room. It doesn't happen often but when it does it's overwhelming. As I always say, just when I think I've got this. I fall apart. Maybe it's the thought that we can start trying again. I feel that I want to try again. I want to add to this amazing family that we have but I am overwhelmed with fear that we may lose another baby. That something will go wrong. Dave is ready. He is ready to try again and I just need to know that I am at a place that is strong enough to try again. I need to know that my pain and grief has rounded the corner towards acceptance. Almost every day I feel that I have made that turn and then a day like today rears its ugly head and I just don't know. If I were talking to my Dad right now, he would tell me to hit the curve balls. Given that he has hit so many of them, I know it can be done and let me tell you I am giving it my best shot. I am already doing better than I ever thought I would. I laid on that ultrasound table and thought how do I do this... but I have. I have done this. Each day is one more day towards healing. Though there will be many bumps in the road, I will keep pushing through. I will not let this beat me. I have so much to be thankful for. I know Tadem is in a better place than I could ever provide and I remind myself of that in my saddest moments.
Healing Is Remembering Without The Pain
I will get there, I almost am...


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1 comment:

Ashley Babyyy said...

hang in there. and remember it happened for a reason.<333

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