The Wild Wild Wests

(FYI, it's a long post but worth it at the end!)I wanted to write last night but I had so much on my mind. So much that I was sorting through that I just sat with it for the night and chose to try today to write. For starters, I won't lie my friends, for whatever reason, the day of therapy is a day of dread for me. I consider cancelling, don't really wanna go, watch the clock, but then I get there. I walk in the door and am immediatly comfortable. I start to talk and talk and talk. I find the time that I am there flies by. I walk out of her door and wonder why I had a sense of doom on the drive there for an enormous weight is always lifted when I leave. I feel heard, understood and happy. I feel that all that I am and am not, as I like to say, is perfectly o.k. She has a way of doing that to me, of making me realize that there is a reason behind virtually everything and that a great part of the way that I am was beyond my control. As a child we are born with complete...

I have been so busy lately that I haven't even had the chance to blog that much. I guess that would be considered a good thing, I am not sure... In any case I have been sleeping well which after so long of not, is a welcome reprieve. I have adjusted to the new house without any hitches. We made a point of making it ours and homey right away and this change has seemingly been very smooth for a girl who avoids it at all costs. Dave and I were out the other night and we ran into a friend of ours that we hadn't seen in awhile, in fact she didn't even know about Tadem or that we lost him, it had been that long. In any case, she did get our change of address card. She told me the night that we ran into her that she started to read the blog and just kept reading and reading. She said that she loved my writing and gave me a hug that spoke volumes. It meant a lot that she said what she said. She understood my writing and what it meant for me. She took time out of her busy life to...

If you read my last post, you know that I had a rough day today. I just wanted to update and say that I am doing o.k. Sometimes you just gotta let it all out. So that is what I did and I am better for it. I picked myself up and dusted myself off and took my oldest baby to the grocery store for special one on one time. When we came home I made Dave and Dave's dad homemade lasagna and the boys homemade pizza. Then we got to enjoy big belly laughs as the boys wrestled on the dog bed in my room! They really were full blown wrestling and it was hysterical! At this moment and for many moments to come, I am o.k and am accepting of our loss. I know I will see our baby again one day and will continue to count my blessings, for we are so blessed. I have the two most precious boys in the whole world and a husband who not only thinks the world of me but continues to be my rock when I am at my ugliest. In closing, enjoy the pictures of the boys wrestling and know that if you are reading t...

Today is a day I had not braced myself for. I believe I have been so busy with the move that it all came stumbling back to me now that we are settled. I am in the depths of grief right now. It's ugly and it's hard. I honestly can't say that I find myself thinking about Tadem as constantly as I used to but I know now that he is there, in my heart, for it flares up when I least expect it and it's powerful. The tears will not stop flowing. The anger builds and my husband is the receiving end of it. That's how it works. You take it out on the ones who will love you in spite of it. I am sorry for this, I am sorry for all of it. I sit hear with the tears falling down my face and I feel that if I just keep typing I will be ok. That maybe, just maybe this keyboard accepts me for all that I am and am not right now. I am so blessed in this life and I begin to feel guilty for feeling grief. I feel guilty for sitting in my comfort chair crying when my boys are in the...

Hello friends, Forgive me for not posting for a couple of days. We had a big event happen in our lives. Well, most of you probably already know the event, but we moved. We are in our new home and I am on the computer. I am not unpacking boxes, cleaning or organizing. Nope, I actually have some time to spare. How I relish this time to just unwind. I am NOT supposed to be doing it in the evening but as of today, this is all the time I have. I think I read somewhere once that moving is one of the top three most stressful events in a persons life. Can I just CONFIRM THAT. It was long, stressful, slightly hairy at times and quite scary at times. For instance, the movers packed the boys car seats (that happened to be out of the car at the time) into the back of the moving van and we were unable to gain access to them for approximatly 5 hours; slightly hairy given that we had nothing in the old house and couldn't transfer them to the new one. It was also insanely hard to keep my two c...

Today was the day that I took the next step towards healing and helping myself. As much as I was dreading it, I went to therapy. I didn't really know how to start but she helped me get the ball rolling and I found myself talking more and more. I immediately felt comfortable and it's one of those times when I can't really say why, I just did. I found myself telling her things I haven't told anybody, ever. I am forever grateful to her for looking me directly in the eyes and telling me that it is a very selfless way to feel. It's funny how you can feel something and have such guilt tied to it, only to turn around and have another person tell it to you a different way and suddenly it's o.k. No more guilt. She guided, she listened, she spoke at all the right times, she shared some of herself and she gave me hope. It was by far the fastest hour and a half in awhile and although she warned me that I might feel anxious when I left, so far I have not. I have felt n...

Oh where to start. It was a long day of continuing to pack and trying to figure out where to put what and how to get the boys moved without completely throwing their life into complete chaos. I mean look at our living room. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that next week at this time we will be living in a new house and making new memories. I know its a good change, I just dislike change...I am almost like a child that needs time to adjust to anything new. We are most certianly in for a long weekend of last minute confusion and craziness to get us moved in by Tuesday. That being said, the movers are coming Monday, so we really don't have much of a choice... ---------------------------------------------------- So it was cold this morning. I say cold as a COMPLETE Florida girl. 40's is by no means cold to half our country but for us crackers 40's are cold. I knew that it would cool off as the night turned to morning so last night I put socks on the bo...

In my quest to use this blog as a source of healing for me. I am going to write about my next step towards doing that. You see, there are days, actually most days , I am fine. I feel empowered, faithful and positive. It is the evenings that used to take me by surprise, although not any longer. I now find myself avoiding bedtime at all costs. I will stay up until my eyes are toothpicks before shutting the computer down, turning off the t.v. and lights just to take that next step. With my eyes barely open I eventually lay in bed, but it is then that suddenly my mind takes over and you would think I did about 45 shots of Red Bull because I lay awake for hours pondering all of life's uncertainties. I lay in my bed covers wrapped around me and I find myself missing my Tadem... I will begin to worry about the boys and what if something were to happen to them... What if something happens to one of them and I have no choice but to continue on for the other, but how would I... What if ...

For the love of God, my list goes on and on for Not Me's this week. Oh' wait I didn't do any of this, it must have been my evil twin for I would never do these things. For starters, I did not go to a friends house the other night for a cookout and play Wii bowling and love it. I abhor video games and would never take a liking to such a thing. I also did not come home from that evening and put my son to bed in his t-shirt, diaper and shoes. Yes, I said that right, shoes! What kind of Mother does that. I am the biggest germ freak EVER, I would never forget to take my sons shoes off and only happen to see that he still had them on in the video monitor! (See, contrary to what all of the older women "who did just fine without a camera," say, they do come in handy, thank you very much) I do not have 7 loads of laundry piled up begging to be taken care of. My husband has not asked me repeatedly for clean under wear and I have not sworn that today is the day that I ...

Well, I broke down and finally started packing. I have been avoiding it like the plague, truly. I started with, ahem, our walls. Given the number of photos plastered on every wall of our house, I figured that packing those would take an entire whole day in and of itself. That is where I began my long winded fantasy at being male. As a woman, I could not simply take down the pictures, wrap them and pack them away. Nope, I had to start looking at each picture, realizing that each one was in this house. Which led me to contemplate the thousands among thousands of memories we have made in this house. Which then led me to begin crying. Which made me wonder if I could move (not really, I am so outta here) but I did get very nostalgic. It was then, that I was like seriously, why can't I have the emotional capacity of a man. I would SO have this whole house packed and there would be no crying. I wouldn't stress, panic or freak at the smallest things. I would not have Mommy guilt...

I have always been a reader. I read anything and everything I can get my hands on. Lately I have been reading blog after blog after blog. I never knew how big the blogging world was. It's powerful and sobering and heartwarming and reassuring to read the various different blogs. Some make me laugh, some make me cry, some remind me of how blessed I am even with our recent loss, some teach me how to be a better Mother. Whatever I am taught through these blogs, I am reading. Engrossed in another world, another life just as if I had a book in front of me. SOOO, tonight when I turned and saw this moment the boys gave me I had to run and grab my camera. I was glowing! I saw in the boys, my love for reading. I hope and pray that it continues as they grow. Reading has always been a love of mine, it's an escape, it winds me down at the end of a busy day and it teaches me so much. I know all that I know about so many things because I read and continue to read. I can only hope this ...

Today was bittersweet for me, I won't lie. My wonderful friend Andie, the one I threw the baby shower for, gave birth to Paisley Sage last night at 1:06 am. She was perfect and beautiful! I was terrified to go there. To the place I was supposed to be two months from now. I went for Andie, my friend. I am glad that I did because even though I was cranky and nervous even as we pulled into the parking lot, once I saw that baby girl I could be nothing but happy. She was Gods work right in front of me, no mistakes. I was beyond a shadow of a doubt so happy for them. There is something to be said about the time you spend at the hospital during and after your baby is born. Its such a delicate, immersed time. You are drowning in love for this new little human you fell in love with the moment you laid eyes on him or her. You feel a sense of perfect security as you lay in your bed with nurses tending to you and your perfect child in your arms. The worries of the world are gone and you a...

A Day In The Life Of A SAHM! I attempted a little Picasso action in our house. Austin loved the brush and paint but Mason was more interested in stacking the bottles. The mess was so worth the smiles! We also tried to get Austin a little more comfortable with his big boy potty last. Although he didn't actually go, the fact that he sat on it for more than 10 seconds was progress. The picture below shows the aftermath of an hour locked in the bathroom trying and mentally pleading him to just gooo! Notice the two potties, options and well desperation really. Water, lots of water and flash cards galore! And after all the mess from painting we had to go straight to the bath to get all the dried paint off~the highlight of the boys day. They stand in front of the tub while the water is running and are waiting to be undressed and they scream. When I say scream it's more like a piercing screech that echos for miles. They get so excited! And after bath it's cuddle time with Mommy...

So we are preparing to move and by Lord am I overwhelmed. Let's just say it isn't easy to get things done when you have two children under two attempting to undo each step you take towards packing. On that note, lets get to my Not Me's, of which I have none =) I did not allow my children to play in the cat food just to get 5 minutes to myself. I wouldn't do such a thing because then I would have another (but so worth the 5 minutes) mess to clean up! I do not still have my Christmas tree up. I do not stare at it each time I walk by thinking I should really get on that. We ARE moving and all. Nope any sign of Christmas has been carefully wrapped and put away for next year. I am SO not a procrastinator. I always do things on time. I know how much I have to do to get us moved in two weeks and I have not spent every free minute I have on the computer. And lastly, I do not bribe my kids to give me kisses and cuddles. They willingly give them to me all day long. It's not ...

It's just that he loves to have his shoes on even when he doesn't have to! It's just that I love to watch those once chunky, now skinny legs run the house in exploration and wonder so I leave him in his diaper for a better view It's just that he loves his trucks so much that he takes them to bed. It's just that I stand for an unknown amount of time watching him in his camera monitor as he gazes at his truck in the dark of night. And his love for trucks and my love for him are shared through one camera screen. It's just that seeing his "pretty smile" never, ever gets old! In fact, I could and do spend all day staring at the beautiful, wonder that is my son! It's just that there are no words...

It's amazing to me how at this time last night I was buried in the depths of grief and tonight I have risen above it to once again confirm how wonderful this life is. Even though we will not be blessed with Tadems earthly presence I know tonight that he is with us in spirit, our heavenly angel. Today I opened our belated Christmas card from Daves dad, "Pa Paw" and he addressed it to Dave, myself, Austin, Mason and Tadem. I cannot even begin to tell you how that simple card struck me to the core. Last night I felt beyond a shadow of a doubt that Tadem was so forgotten and today God worked through Pa Paw to send me a gentle, unexpected reminder that he is anything but forgotten. How I love you sweet baby. --------------------------------------------- It was an easy day. Easy like Sunday morning as the song goes. I love Sundays! It's an excuse to take a nap, spend extra time cuddling as a family and enjoying simple moments with the ones we love. The boys and I had a...

It's just that i can't stop kissing his fat feet over and over or biting those chunky thighs just to hear his belly laugh or stop staring at his oh' so edible ears ALL DAY! Oh' how I love this child!