T-minus 6 days and stream of consciousness

I don't talk on the phone. Ever. I hate it. Despise it. You are pretty awesome/important/something earth shattering better be happening if you hear my voice on the other end of that line. I don't know why people call me, ever.  If you need me, your very best bet is to text me first saying hey dude-emergency, answer your stupid phone and guess what... I would, because I would get the text long before I ever even so much as looked at my voicemail list let alone listened.  I would even go so far as to say I might get a letter in snail mail before I heard a message on my voicemail. Don't judge it's my thing ok. You have yours and I have mine.  Which leads me to today.  I like to think I am semi smart at times and apparently what little brain I do have in there caught up with the rest of me and thought hey...your son is having open heart surgery next week maybe you should check your voicemails to see if any of the oh...I don't know... nurses, hospitals or doctors may have called you idiot.  And guess what...low and behold the surgeons nurse had called to bump UP his surgery.  Awesome Jenn. You. are. awesome.

Needless to say consider yourself warned peeps and I now know that All Childrens Hospital does not text regarding surgery but honest to God they do text to remind you of your appointments. So see I am not that far off people.

Surgery is now the 14th of March.  Pre op is March 13th. I leave my boys a little sooner than I anticipated.  I had a panic attack about that in Publix today. Must they play that old, sappy music that makes me not able to breathe. I wanted to find the manager, shake him, saying some of us have some serious sh*% going down in t-minus 6, not even 7 anymore, days, can you cut the celine dion and get me some P-Diddy up in here!

True Story, after we lost Tadem I could not handle anything and I mean any-thing but hard core rap. My love of country and soft rock had to go bye bye for awhile, actually it kind of still does set to the wayside a bit for obvious reasons.  There is nothing sad, sappy or depressing about Akon talking about "smacking that" or "applebottom jeans, boots with the fur". It's true right.  You can't be sad listening to that crap.  And it. is. crap. But girlfriend can drop it likes its hot and I can't wait to be on the other side of this doing just that in a celebratory dance like no one has ever seen.

I love stream of conscious posts. Sadly this is how my brain works all day long. I just pull it together for all of you ; ) I  am a mess. I melted last night, bad and I probably will again tomorrow too. But tonight there is a sliver of the real me present and man does it feel good. The Jenn that jokes and picks. That finds it ever so much easier to be funny than to be scared.  If you can't beat em' join em.  I am trying to join em'. I have no idea how I will be tomorrow, but for tonight I am eating cake in bed, my thighs are thanking me as I type this.  I am smiling. I am peaceful.  I forgot my damn Sunpass again at Publix.  Saw it walking in and forgot it. Ugh!  I have made the trip over the Sunshine Skyway bridge approximately 1,476 times now to and from that children's hospital in 2 1/2 years and I have yet to get a damn pass.  For the love of all things holy someone get me one and bill me please.  You all probably think I am drinking or am on happy pills. I am not.  Imagine if I was.  I am just me tonight and me is good.  I asked, begged actually,  for a break from the load that I was carrying. I let go of some of the worries on my mind this afternoon and in doing so I feel freer.  I spent the hour that Austin was in therapy with my Mason at Florida Motorsports watching him hop from four wheeler to four wheeler in complete enthrallment.  My heart was overflowing with Mommy love.

I am so head over heels in love with my boys and I am so so so blessed to have three of the most kind, sweet boys to walk this planet my own.  I laid with Mason tonight and explained to him that Mommy will be leaving soon and why.  It was hard. He asked who would be taking care of him when I was gone and he asked why he couldn't go with me.  I did the very best that I could to explain it all to him, to remind him how much I love him and to reiterate over and over that Mommy always comes back.  This journey is bittersweet.  It adds a tenderness to the boys and my relationship that I am not sure would be there otherwise.  They get it on a level most children cannot. They asked Mrs. "Bef" at pick up today over and over where I was when typically all they care about is going to her house to play.  We are united together, the boys and I right now.  We all sense what is coming and we are enjoying every single minute that we have together.  I promised them a sleepover on Friday night and quite frankly I don't know who is more excited, them or me.  I will miss them so deeply it will physically hurt me.  It's not like going on vacation.  When you are in that type of environment all one wants to do is lay in bed intertwined in her children at home where all is right with the world. I will not be able to do that. I will have to comfort my youngest baby however I can in a hospital room far from home and my heart will ache to be right back here in this bed having a sleep over with my babes all over again. They're like food for my soul.

I am going to sign off for tonight I have to go be tooth fairy (SHHHHH!) don't say anything! Yep my golden boy lost his very first tooth and I got to be here for it by a matter of days. I am so grateful.

Dave and I fought (not literally ;) over how much she should bring him and he's clearly a bit jealous of the new age tooth fairy. I explained to him that things have changed since back in the dinosaur days when he lost his first tooth.  He didn't seem to think that was funny and then he made me seal the envelope because he knew I would go back and sneak more in there for him.  This coming from the same guy who gave each boy $ 1 and said go have fun at Target with Mommy.  I was all like "wait one minute there Daddy-o, what do you think that's going to get them at Target" cause we all know that no one and I mean no one (except Chrissy B.) can go into a Target store and walk out without having dropped a hundo easily.  Its Target people.  Ask Paxton. He will tell you. When he is getting an iv or any sort of horrible thing done to him and I have to hold him down that's when I try and distract him by asking where do you want to go, what do you want to do, you can have whatever you want and I mean it. I swear if the kid said a Range Rover I would go and get him one. K, maybe that's for me, but that's beside the point ;)

Annnnyway, when I ask him he will flat out, clear as day say "I wanna go to Target!" and all the nurses proceed to crack up and then look at me like what have you done.  And then I feign...all like what... I didn't do anything.  I have my vices~ my boys, my starbucks cups, my mcdonalds diet cokes, writing, french fries and of course TARGET. Eh' could be worse right.

I am off to be the tooth fairy!!! Night all. Pray for Pax!  We are T- MINUS 6 DAYS!  Unless of course they call and bump it up again to which I WILL be checking my messages between now and then, but don't y'all try calling, this doesn't mean I will actually answer it means I will check my messages and only until Tuesday ; ) then I am off the clock~

lots of love and hugs~

j