Showing posts from February, 2011

Holy Stream Of Consiousness

This post has been a long time coming and I apologize.  My life is crazy.  I stop a lot and wonder how it got like this.  When did the pace pick up to lightening speed.  Where evenings end with me sitting on the couch "whewing!" the day away.  In all honesty I thrive on it I suppose, but I do wish there were more hours in the day. Time to stop for the things I love.  Like writing, that is easily put to the wayside when other things wait in line. Paxton is home. We have been home for nearly two weeks now.  In that time I have been to a 13 month old HLHS babies funeral, spent many a nights crying over the unfairness of it all, run a race that led to a personal record.  (my cousin amy, my sissy, me, my girl charity and kimmie) I have spent time with my babies in the backyard and gotten a "hypoallergenic/dander free" puppy to accomodate Paxtons allergies yet allows the older two the dog they so desperately beg for. Oh' life you are wild.  You are crazy.  But

Heavy heavy heart

I learned last night that another HLHS baby has gained his wings.   Kian Moss  fought for every day that he was present on this earth. When I pull up his blog and see that radiant smile, I simply cannot believe he is not here anymore.  I spent a great deal of yesterday vacillating between the unfairness of it all, feeling guilty and feeling the pain, but not actually knowing one ounce of it.  It is my biggest fear no doubt and as I sat rocking my own hlhs son in the hospital rocking chair (yes we are in the hospital) I felt like I couldn't breathe. Couldn't hold him enough. Smell him enough. Squeeze him enough. This entire unit is full. Full of sick cardiac babies and yet I know there will never be answers, even though my heart seeks them at a time like this. I have decided that chubby cheeks, bright eyes and radiant smiles are all pre reqs for hlhs. Every baby that I meet with hlhs has these qualities and they tell their story through features instead of words.  Some days,

a little of this and a little of that...

February proves to be a busy month this year.  Iam going away this weekend and next weekend for a baby shower.  I am heavy hearted at the moment over this because as crazy as it gets around here, I never want to be away from my kids for extended periods of time.  I panic and think of all the things that could go wrong. Once I am physically away for a couple of hours, I do seem to adjust, but the initial departure kills me.  Especially next weekend when I get on a plane.  There's no quick return and that freaks me out.  With that said, I know they are in good hands so I will try to enjoy the alone time as best I can. This month is also CHD Awareness month.  For obvious reasons this cause is very near and dear to my heart.  I have walked heart walks with pax, alongside dear friends in hopes of raising money for this cause. I run in honor of my little heart hero's every time I pound the pavement.  The sad thing is, and I fully admit until it struck me personally, that i did not