Overkill

I might be on the very "a-noy-ying!"side of my kids right now.  Yes, my 4 going on 40 year old knows the meaning of that word and I am guessing there are times he wants to maybe use it on me because right now I am all over them like flys on sh*# (awesome visual, I know) We skipped school again and I likened it to the fact that Austin was sick yesterday and needed the extra day to recover and of course Mason needed to stay home and join in on the lovin' too because look at what he wished for yesterday in school.  I seriously have the kindest kids ever.

Today we stayed in our jams all morning long and just around lunch time we decided to meander out into the real world, but not to far, just around the neighborhood on our bikes.  Just the four of us.  It is one of those picture perfect days where everyone has their windows open and all I can think of is being backside on a beach somewhere.  I really, really want a vaca soon.  Cause that's gonna happen ; ) In this moment, as I sit here staring out at this beautiful day, three little boys tucked in for naps (1, 2, & 3 sleeping = miracle) all is right with the world.  It ebbs and it flows just as this journey ebbs and flows and today it's flowing and for that I am grateful. 

I was thinking that I don't want them to grow up and "be big" I desperately miss the days of no school and not having to be anywhere.  When we got to wake up and wander through the days letting our imaginations lead us wherever they may.  Today on our bike ride with a complete disregard for anywhere to be at any given time, I sadly realized I am just not ready to let those/these days go.

I am kind of hibernating right now.  I don't want to leave the house.  Want to hunker down in my not sterile house. I light candles first thing in the morning and open windows and smell the fresh air because next week I get to sit on vinyl couches and breathe the ever so refreshing scent of hospital. Awesome. I can tell you this though, no one has ever appreciated home and candles and open windows more than a hospital mom. Absence makes the heart grow fonder... and ain't that the damn truth.

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Last night was my Dad's cross country banquet.  It is quite the event as well as extremely emotional and heartfelt.  My dad was recognized on a state and national level for his coaching.  Dudes got skills I tell ya.  I couldn't have been more proud!  I have always been proud to be his daughter. He has always been the type of guy that people just love.  In high school (I wasn't zoned for the high school where dad taught, but went anyway so I could be closer to him) My name wasn't Jennie Sommer,  it was "Coach's daughter" and I loved it. I was proud.

He made people smile and laugh. He is a good man that has and continues to help and inspire kids throughout their lives and they go on to be awesome people.  Not a lot of people can say that.  He had an entire room of kids, parents and family there to celebrate not only him, but their kids and the accomplishments they reach together.  They get up at 4:30 a.m. to train from 5 to 6 a.m. 5 days a week. We are talking about high school kids here. Kids with 3.5 GPA's to boot.  It is extraordinary to witness the dedication the envelops that team.

So,  last year my dad, proud PaPaw, started an award called the Heart Award in honor of Paxton.  It is given to one boy and one girl runner every year that shows the most heart throughout the season on or off the course.  It is incredibly emotional to talk about and watching my dad try to choke through his words last year talking about Paxton was so very hard.  This year he asked my sister and I to present the award.

Here's the thing with me and this whole situation, I don't cry when I am "supposed" to. I cry when I least expect it. I cry at all the wrong times. I stood up last night and talked about my son and probably had the driest eye in the house.  I presume people probably didn't understand why, but again auto pilot is an awesome gift I was given when Paxton was born.  I explained what Paxton had and I explained to each of those kids in that room that they and they alone choose their lives and they can wake up and choose to have a great day or not, but that there are children out there that aren't given that choice.  Those teenagers, wise beyond their years, moved me in a way they will never know.  They were weeping for my boy.  It was quite breathtaking to see.  I hope that they walk away from our journey with the knowledge that they are in the words of whiz khalifa "young, wild and free" and that they relish that.  The two runners that received the Paxton heart award were runners who have both lost their fathers.  Again, on or off the course. It's about life and handling what it throws at you. That, is true heart~ half, whole or otherwise.

Today I am no longer "Coach's daughter" near as much as I am "Paxton's mom"  and again I could not be more proud to have any other name. I am continually blessed with these amazing men in my life. These strong men that continue to overcome tragedy, heartbreak, illness and suffering.  Guess it's in the genes.  We may have our bad days, but we Wests/Sommers don't dwell on it. We "hit the curve balls". Man I can remember thinking I was having a bad day in high school and my dad would say that to me over and over again. Or he would say to me, you have nothing to complain about, you aren't sitting in a hospital sick. Go take a walk around a children's hospital and you won't come out thinking the same way you are right now.  It's true.  SO very, very true. Little did my Dad know, way back then what he was preparing me for today, for next week.  I will be walking in a children's hospital next week and I always walk out a little more changed than when I went in. I always see something different than I did the last time. Someone sobbing in the hallway. A bedside surrounded by doctors and you know what is happening. The ecmo machine being set up down the hall.  A children's hospital no less.  It changes you. Stirs your soul in a way you simply did not know was possible.  As a mother you cannot help but to put yourself in that persons shoes.  It changes you. Forever.

I believe in ways far better than meets the eye.  I choose to learn from those lessons that I see in those hallways. I choose to leave that hospital, look up to the sky and drop to my knees in thanks that today it was not us.  And I hope beyond hope I get to do that again. I choose to let the little things go because they are just that~little.  I choose to cling a little tighter.  I choose to remember that it is short yes, but it is so very, very sweet.  So while a little overkill might be a little "anoy-ying" to little boys, once nightfall comes around and all they want is mommy to lay with them I know its really not annoying at all.

~love and hugs

j