Showing posts from September, 2013

oh hi there....

i had this dream last night, that paxton was sick.  he came out of a heart cath and the doctor told me it was bad and he would need a heart transplant "within the year" i remember the entire dream so vividly. i remember feeling so guilty because i had this new baby coming that i would be absent for as i tended to paxton in the hospital. i remember fearing for paxtons life just as i have so many times before, only those times were reality.  it was so vivid that it still rocks me if i think about it. paxton is as healthy as an hlhs child can be...clearly.... but, i can say i do know where this inability to truly let go of the fear during this pregnancy comes from.... i guess maybe it's why i haven't written in months...i feel like it gets old to a lot of people to hear about it, so i stay silent...but those that have been there get that it never leaves you, this i know... i  am over 8 months pregnant now.  i can't say it's been a completely easy ride.