Showing posts from October, 2010

I'm Still Here...

Gosh, it's been far to long.  So much has happened since I last wrote.  Aside from going through some things emotionally, we have had the flu bug run through each of our children  and managed in the midst of that to have a very amazing 1 year birthday party for our miracle boy. I have so much to catch up on.  Tonight I finished all the bookkeeping for our company and the boys seem to be on the mend. I am waiting on photos from our dear friend Rayna who volunteered her time to come and take pictures of Paxtons party.  Things are slowly falling back into place. I am taking some time for myself and working through this past year with some help.  Now that things have slowed down some, the reality of it all seems to be setting in. The auto pilot that I have been running on for the past 365 days is taking a break and the recollection of it all, the reality of it all and the emotional trauma ( and yes it was actual trauma, that has been confirmed ; ) of it all is hitting home. Once th

I Keep Trying

One year ago today, my baby boy was only hours out of his first open heart surgery at 4 days old.... I will never, ever forget how he looked when I first got that glimpse of him post op.  It took my breath away.  He was clinging...fiercely. Our journey was just beginning. Months of it. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G to be on the other side of it.  There's more to come, oh' yes there is, but that leg of it is behind us. He is bigger and stronger now, no longer the fragile 7 pound baby having to endure it. Oh' time, once again, you never cease to blow me away.... *********************** So, I keep trying to do it.  To write the letter. To the most amazing little boy in the world.  And I can't.  It would require an entire day in hiding because the tears will surely not stop. Every year I write each of my babies letters on their birthday, but this one takes the cake, no pun intended. I'll get there. I'll do it. When I am ready.  It took me a long time to do a good bye


Today happens to be Thursday too.  Last year on on this date was a Thursday as well.  I remember that because I remember every little detail leading up to and after the birth of Paxton.  I remember today was hellacious for me. Today was the day I said good bye to the boys for what would wind up being two months.  Today is the day I packed what I could into the car as I waddled about preparing to meet Paxton.  I rubbed my belly incessantly knowing this was it.  Knowing I could no longer keep him safe inside of me.  I had done all I could do which to this day still feels like not enough.  I was utterly heartbroken.  Lost. Scared beyond reason.  Yet, somehow I drew up the strength to tuck my boys into bed, whisper how much I loved them, sobbed all the way to the car, got in and drove away. When I think about the tremendous strength that took today, I don't feel like I could do it again. Yet somehow I always muster up and do what I have to do.  It amazes me that when I think I am my we

Full Up

Man oh' man does this time of year fill me up.  I have so many emotions coursing through me right now. My mind is tired and weary, yet I can't rest and I can't eat.  It's strange.  My belly feels so full of emotion that I can't put anything else in it.  I was in the throes of fear at this time last year, it has resurfaced in a way I was unprepared for.  Just yesterday I received word that five, yes, five , congenital heart disease babies have gained their wings. One of which was two weeks old.  I  sobbed.  I slept with Paxton last night. Sleep was in and out.  It was a hodgepodge of sadness and curiosity.  I would wake and wish it was morning.  I laid there, groggy from lack of sleep, and wondered how He chooses.  Why them and not us.  Then I remember there are still no guarantees and my heart twists.  Sure there are no guarantees for any of us, but the stakes are far far higher in our case.  If he sleeps to long I run in there, if he breathes to hard I immediatel

Love Me Some Octoberrrr!

Fall is in the air and this weekend was a.m.a.z.i.n.g! Beginning with my loves starting soccer for the first time ever! It was epic for me!  Getting them all geared up, packing the cooler full of snacks, loading the oh' so appropriate mini with balls and lawn chairs.  Been waiting all the days of my life to be a soccer mom and well, here it is.  They pretty much rocked it! Or....not so much. It did in fact take awhile for the boys to man up... but by the end, they ran some and represented. Of course we sponsored the team and we are lovin' the name! Yayyy! Thursdays practice was awesome. We know there will be more of those days in the future and sooo enjoy seeing the boys rocking it when they do... ( I personally love the tongue of concentration, no idea where he got that from ; ) And in other news... Mama turned thirty-freaking-one!    I have been wicked nostalgic lately because last year at this time I was just days away from delivering Paxto