Bumps In The Road

Today is a day I had not braced myself for. I believe I have been so busy with the move that it all came stumbling back to me now that we are settled. I am in the depths of grief right now. It's ugly and it's hard. I honestly can't say that I find myself thinking about Tadem as constantly as I used to but I know now that he is there, in my heart, for it flares up when I least expect it and it's powerful. The tears will not stop flowing. The anger builds and my husband is the receiving end of it. That's how it works. You take it out on the ones who will love you in spite of it. I am sorry for this, I am sorry for all of it. I sit hear with the tears falling down my face and I feel that if I just keep typing I will be ok. That maybe, just maybe this keyboard accepts me for all that I am and am not right now. I am so blessed in this life and I begin to feel guilty for feeling grief. I feel guilty for sitting in my comfort chair crying when my boys are in the other room. It doesn't happen often but when it does it's overwhelming. As I always say, just when I think I've got this. I fall apart. Maybe it's the thought that we can start trying again. I feel that I want to try again. I want to add to this amazing family that we have but I am overwhelmed with fear that we may lose another baby. That something will go wrong. Dave is ready. He is ready to try again and I just need to know that I am at a place that is strong enough to try again. I need to know that my pain and grief has rounded the corner towards acceptance. Almost every day I feel that I have made that turn and then a day like today rears its ugly head and I just don't know. If I were talking to my Dad right now, he would tell me to hit the curve balls. Given that he has hit so many of them, I know it can be done and let me tell you I am giving it my best shot. I am already doing better than I ever thought I would. I laid on that ultrasound table and thought how do I do this... but I have. I have done this. Each day is one more day towards healing. Though there will be many bumps in the road, I will keep pushing through. I will not let this beat me. I have so much to be thankful for. I know Tadem is in a better place than I could ever provide and I remind myself of that in my saddest moments.
Healing Is Remembering Without The Pain
I will get there, I almost am...


post signature

Comments

Anonymous said…
hang in there. and remember it happened for a reason.<333
January 25, 2009 at 3:09 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Happy One Month Birthday Baby Boy

Image
Today our son turns one month old!  There were days when I was still pregnant with him that we were not sure he would be alive to see this day. God, has blessed us. He is here. He is perfect. He is fighting the biggest fight of his life.  Just as sure as the H (home) word was mentioned to us as a possibility in a couple of weeks yesterday, I in turn, got the phone call at 2 a.m. this morning that his heart is struggling.  His heart is working so hard to keep going. It is a delicate balance. One day everything looks picture perfect and hours later it all changes.  I am working on not looking to far down the road, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one prayer at a time. Today our son turns one month old and the alternative makes me realize that I/we can do this. Even though there will be many tears through out this, many angry days, sad ones and joyful ones. I do believe that God has a plan for us and for our son and as we wait to learn what that plan is, I am finding a patience I ha
Read more

And he's off

Paxton is out of surgery and recovering. He is heavily sedated as of now, but all went well and doctors are happy with the repair. God is good! Prayers were answered. Today is a damn good, beautiful day. I will update more later. Thank you all for walking this journey beside us ! Update 8:10 am. Just got call they have made the first incision and are working through scar tissue now. He is stable and doing awesome. 7:20 am They have taken Paxton back to the OR. I will update when I know more. Please pray for my boy. ~j
Read more

Stream Of Consciousness

Image
I honestly didn’t realize until today why I have been the weepy mess that I have been these last few weeks. I thought I was tired.  I thought well you have five kids and lots to remember. I am prone to anxiety. I worry to much which is definitely nothing new.  I attributed the constant crying to all things other than the obvious, which after ten years one would think I would have down by now.   It’s February.   It is heart month and I don’t mean cupid.  It is real heart month.   The hearts who are sick, broken, healing, or in heaven… We honor, celebrate, recognize and weep over all things Congenital Heart Defects.  I used to be able to post a lot more about it.  I used to write a lot more about it, but I have found as time goes on that well… I don’t have a ton of time for it, but also I think I’ve been avoiding it as well… because after 10 years… words don't come to me like they used to…there is just no time line and I haven’t been able to sit down to write lik
Read more