I mentioned a couple of posts back that I was on overload and had some things weighing heavy on my heart. It's taken awhile, but now I am ready to share.
My kids have been through more change in the past four months than any child should ever have to. While kids are amazingly resilient, it is quite apparent the tole it has taken on them. It saddens me and breaks my heart. Mostly because I know in two months they will have to go through it all over again.
Austin, our oldest, is just like me. Super sensitive and does not deal well with change. While he seemed to keep it together while I was gone, it seems he is having some "rebound behavior" (a therapist friend I have been consulting informed me of this behavior) now that I am home and things are returning to normal. (Well... a different sort of normal for us now) He gets stressed pretty easily, cries and tantrums at the drop of a hat and will walk around even when I am right beside him and say "I want my Mom". It's like he has said it so much it's become a habit and he doesn't even realize that he says it when I am in the same room. He has been struggling in school, refuses to nap there and has become quite repetative as I mentioned above.
Mason is more a mixture of my husband so while he is quite affected, he deals better than Austin. He does want to spend every second in my lap. His temper is rearing it's ugly head. He constantly fusses, whines and fake cries that he wants to "hold you". I love that he wants to hold me all the time, but I am sad that he is so distraught. He screams bloody murder for me at nap time and WWF grips around my neck any time he is put to bed. He just doesn't want to let me go. He can be distracted pretty easily at 2 1/2 still so that's helpful.
I am spending the greater part of my time together with the kids trying to calm overwhelmed children and I hate it! I want normalcy for my boys. I want them to be free of the worries that seem to consume them lately. My heart hurts for them. I want to fix it and am consulting each and every person I know on how to help them through this. How to prepare them for my next departure. How to teach their teachers to soothe them when they are in the midst of a meltdown.
We are going to put Austin back in speech therapy and begin occupational therapy with him. He has been known to have sensory issues. Doesn't like his hands dirty. Wears shoes on his feet nearly all the time because he doesn't like his feet on the floor and gets very upset if he spills on himself. I spoke with an occupational therapist that sounds just amazing. She is ready and willing to work with Austin and is well aware of our situation and has many tools that we can put in place to help our boy learn to adjust and adapt to change. It's when I talk to positive people like this that I feel hope for the future. I know that these tools that are put in place for Austin will be able to be used for Mason as well and hopefully we can help these boys through what is proving to be a tough time in their lives.
I can't imagine trying to learn and navigate the big bad world with all the added stress of having the person you love and trust most coming and going. Austin is picking up on WAY more than we realize. While I hide all that I am feeling from him and am really doing quite well, he must be picking up the undertone of fear I am carrying about Paxtons next surgery. He constantly asks me "what's wrong Mom?" and I try and assure him that Mommy is great. He told his teacher the other day that she had a broken heart and started to cry. I am assuming somewhere along the way he has heard us talking about Paxtons heart and is trying to differentiate. It's all of these little signs that creep up that show me we need to help these boys however we might be able. We have structure in place. They spend all five weekdays doing the same thing every day. We started going to a playdate group on Thursdays with just Mommy and the older two. We spend the weekends together playing and frolicking about. I spend every minute that I possibly can trying to reassure the boys that I am here for them. That I love them and that I am ok. It's hard to wax and wane between the coddling that they clearly need right now to also being a disciplinarian when they lash out because I know why they are doing it, but I can't let it happen just the same. It's a delicate balance.
We are all going through so many changes, with a lot more to come. While life has seemingly returned to a new normal for us, it is apparent my being gone has affected my babies. It weighs very heavy on my heart. Knowing that just when they may possibly find some peace about the situation, I will have to leave again.
I try to remember that our blessings are many and constantly remind myself that we are taking every action we can to help our boys through this period. I try to find peace and hand it over to God. When I see them smile and laugh and hear them tell me they love me, I know they will be ok. We all have had our battles to fight in this life and as a Mom I wish I could take them all away from them, but I cannot and I try to find comfort in the fact that in the end this will bring us all closer! Somehow, someway we will all forge on through this and I have to trust that God will carry ALL of my babies to the other side of this mountain...
Today our son turns one month old! There were days when I was still pregnant with him that we were not sure he would be alive to see this day. God, has blessed us. He is here. He is perfect. He is fighting the biggest fight of his life. Just as sure as the H (home) word was mentioned to us as a possibility in a couple of weeks yesterday, I in turn, got the phone call at 2 a.m. this morning that his heart is struggling. His heart is working so hard to keep going. It is a delicate balance. One day everything looks picture perfect and hours later it all changes. I am working on not looking to far down the road, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one prayer at a time. Today our son turns one month old and the alternative makes me realize that I/we can do this. Even though there will be many tears through out this, many angry days, sad ones and joyful ones. I do believe that God has a plan for us and for our son and as we wait to learn what that plan is, I am finding a patience I
I honestly didn’t realize until today why I have been the weepy mess that I have been these last few weeks. I thought I was tired. I thought well you have five kids and lots to remember. I am prone to anxiety. I worry to much which is definitely nothing new. I attributed the constant crying to all things other than the obvious, which after ten years one would think I would have down by now. It’s February. It is heart month and I don’t mean cupid. It is real heart month. The hearts who are sick, broken, healing, or in heaven… We honor, celebrate, recognize and weep over all things Congenital Heart Defects. I used to be able to post a lot more about it. I used to write a lot more about it, but I have found as time goes on that well… I don’t have a ton of time for it, but also I think I’ve been avoiding it as well… because after 10 years… words don't come to me like they used to…there is just no time line and I haven’t been able to sit down to write lik
I haven't written in so long it seems pointless now, but then I told myself perhaps that is one of the best things I could take up doing again. It has always been so cathartic for me. If you are reading this, we are most likely friends on social media and you probably saw that yesterday was a bad, bad day. If not here you go: I have always been an incredibly deep person. Even as a child the emotions were powerful with me. I feel deep. I overthink. I over analyze everything! I am a wicked people pleaser and so very, very sensitive. Being an ultra sensitive person can be exhausting. I've found it to have it's positives as I have grown and learned to handle my emotions a little better. A little, being the operative word there. But I also think being these things and never being able to shut your mind down can heighten everything. Hence why I decided to write tonight. Yesterday I had a panic attack. I went back and forth after things had settled down abou