The Wild Wild Wests

d Oh "Masey" how I love youuuuu! ~J

Man oh man am I full up right now.  Full up of gratitude, heartache, fear and holiday cheer.  This time of year is a whirlwind and for whatever reason this year it has been going by exceptionally fast. I canNOT believe Sunday is Christmas.  So much to do, so little time, and yet I awoke this morning to a heavy, heavy loss in the heart community and I cried.  I cried at how unfair this is for so many people and so close to the holidays.  They will never, ever be the same for them again.  I ache for them.  For their deep seeded loss and I realize that Paxton being diagnosed with asthma last week along with his CHD isn't really such a big freaking deal.  Hell he's not on ECMO. He's home.  So he takes 12 meds a day, big deal.  And yet it is all a big deal, its scary and it's serious and it upset me and then I realize that we are lucky.  There are many people out their with healthy kids that look at us and feel bad and apologize when they hear about Pax.  Apologize for what

It's 4 am again. Yay for me! Wide eyed and bushy tailed as per usual.  I am unsure how I can be awake right now given the "help" my doctor has given me, but I am quickly learning that the mind and heart will win every time.  I have melted every other day this week.  I am gonna need to get myself together here at some point.  Lady at the bank looked at me like I had ten heads when I decided to cry in her line yesterday. I know an enormous part of my crying is lack of sleep.  I have said before and I will say it again, no sleep is a true form of torture.  I remember those days the first six months of Paxtons life when he was on a heart/oxygen monitor 24 hours a day.  Kid couldn't yawn without that thing going off and my feet never hit the floor every.single.time it went off for I flew to that bassinett and he was always fine.  I was straight up jacked for six months. Crazy lady walking around in a 5'2" body.  No sleep=tortureeeee.  So I figured out why I can sl

 It's 4 am here.  I am wide awake. I don't sleep.  Like ever.  I think I may actually be nocturnal.  I can take one hell of a nap, but other than that I lie awake and toss and turn or sneak into my babies room and pull him from his bed.  When he is in my arms, I can rest. I cannot express to anyone the angst that is filling my heart these days. Just yesterday I was at a play date with a good friend and Paxton was running around trying to keep up with his older brothers. He was loving every single minute of it.  But he was blue, like CSI blue and he was panting, hard.  She looked at me because she will always be utterly honest with me and that I need, and her look said it all.  We sat watching him and it hurt us both.  She as a mother and my friend and while I hate that look for what it means, I know the love behind it.  If I stop and talk beyond the day to days about Pax, I melt.  At any given moment no matter where we are you might find me crying.  Little things set me of