Sunday, March 25, 2012


It's dusk here. I love this time of day. It is when the world starts to settle.  Calm makes its way in to take over from the chaos of the day. It is when the aroma of dinner begins to fill the house and freshly bathed littles in their jams start to mellow for the night.  I am looking out over the window of Paxtons hospital room, staring at the setting sun with longing; "fighterman" asleep behind me.   I am reminded of how much bigger life is than we can even imagine.  Just as the miracle of babies growing in our belly's is more than just a science, so too is the rising and falling of the sun each day.  Life is big, but there is ever so much more to it when you stop to take it all in.

We are amidst life and death right this very moment. Babies on either side of us cling to life. As I stare out I am acutely aware of this.  As far away and lonely as I feel right now from life on the outside, I am also incredibly aware that this in here is life too.  That sometimes paths involve a fight we never expected. A path that is far more than everyday carlines, dinners and playdates.  A path of separation, struggle, fight and glory. That glory being a well of emotion I never knew until I had children, most significantly one that has had to cling to life himself.

This path I talk about, the one that ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes, it is so full of what life is meant to be.  Not a life of who has the coolest clothes, most friends, nicest car, but rather a life of love and understanding that this is it.  We get one chance and I find myself thinking so very often how do I want to spend this one chance.  What legacy do I want to leave behind.... I like to think in these softening hours of the day that I will be able to say I lived this life. I did it all, sometimes to much, but I know that for every thing I have chosen to do or not do, there lies a lesson and for every lesson there is growth.  Balls to the wall, go big or go home Jenn.  That is me, but you know what, we laugh til it hurts, we dance through the storm and I'll be damned if we ever give up.

I am totally down with that legacy.

I cannot say that I would be those things had I not been backed into a corner with no choice, but to fight.  To fight for the greatest love I have ever known.

Oh' dusk you stir me up. Remind me where I am going and where I have been...


Paxtons CRP number dropped from 19.5 to 13 overnight.  The fact that they are dropping is good. Why they are so high is still undetermined.  He should be at 1.  Tomorrow an Infectious Disease doctor is coming by to assess him and all of his labwork (I don't like the name Infectious Disease, it makes me think of a nasty, incurable, contagious something or other ). IF and by if, I mean IF, Paxton's numbers continue to drop and ID finds no logical explanation for them, then we wipe our hands saying he caught a bug and head toward H.  If his numbers have not dropped further or have risen we remain here until we can pinpoint what/where this infection is.  Our main concern is not sending us home only to have us return.  I agree.  For now, we are chillin here.  I am guessing we have watched Cars roughly 45 times at this point, I stopped the tally at 32 cause it was a lot of effort to get up and switch numbers on the dry erase board ; ) We watch videos of brothers on my phone. We get visits from awesome peeps who help pass the time.  We are woken up far to early so we sleep in late.

Pax is my main man right now and if I thought we were close before, this time here together has super glued the deal.  I am the ketchup to his cheetos (yes, he truly eats that) and he is the ice to my diet coke.  At 2 1/2 I swear the kid knows I have been with him every single, solitary step of the way and his eyes say thank you a million times over to me. He clings to me like the little cobra that he is and every time I pretend to pull my arm away he tightens on his prey even more.

He begs for hugs, for me to "way down" with him, to "hold you" and I always, always will.  Hospital or otherwise when my kids ask for hugs or for me to lay down with them I do so without hesitation because soon enough they won't ask anymore and I will look back knowing I never let a moment go.
Cheesy? Maybe? But when moments are threatened you quickly learn to cherish them.

It is my hope that tomorrow when the sun rises again, we have good news. Promising news.  That sooner rather than later we are back where we belong living the life of carlines, dinners and playdates, only we are lucky enough to do so with the extra gift of knowing that even those things are extraordinary.

 Goodnight from my "fighterman" and man is he ever a fighter!

Love and hugs~


cici said...

May the sun rise with the best news of going home on the horizon.
Special Prayers for a special Mama Bear and cub.

Janine said...

Praying that his numbers continue down this morning.

Christin said...

This was beautifully written. Praying they find an answer on the infection so you can hear the "h" word once more!! Your boy is amazing, and you are such an inspiration. Hang in there!

Me said...

Beautiful post Jenn. Thank you for reminding me not to take life and my kids for granted. Paxton is my hero!

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