Not Gonna Lie

I feel like lately that everywhere I turn, there is a story of heartbreak and loss. None that are close to home and yet they are all so close to home for me right now. Even as I sit here in my home tonight watching Extreme Home Makeover there is a story right on the screen in front of me about a family that lost their baby girl after one day with her here on Earth. Ever since I lost Tadem I feel like I have heard and learned about a whole new level of loss and heartbreak. Suddenly, being pregnant has taken on a whole new fear. Delivery has taken on a terror that I never had. I spend a significant amount of time worried and wondering if these are lessons to remind me how blessed I am, or if they are a preparation for a greater story I am scared to encounter or if it's simply that one loss leads you to others losses... I am scared. I am scared to be pregnant. I worry about endless things now where once there was such joy and anticipation. I always say once you know, you can't "unknow." Ignorance may really be bliss or is it? We have our first ultrasound on Thursday. I am excited and nervous. I pray each night that I might be blessed with a sense of peace these next 7 months and that the Lord will wrap his arms around me each and every day reminding me to do what I can and leave the rest up to him.
We had a lovely weekend as a family. My sister came over Friday night and we went to a spaghetti dinner at Austins school. It was fun to watch Austin want to be a big boy! He even did the limbo in the game area. What a blessing to be a carefree toddler again. So carefree that you just run to the front of the limbo line and go back and forth under the bar never knowing rules and taking turns yet. It's such an extremely short time that we humans can live without worrying what others think, without having rules and manners thrown in our faces. Everyone just smiled as they watched my boy in utter joy that he, too, could do what the big kids were doing.

Today we had a girls day out morning and then I came home and we played in the garage with all of our toys! I got some amazing photos of the boys loving their bubble blower. So sweet and innocent and yet not. You see, Mason wanted to hold the bubble blower and Austin didn't want to share so he tried to distract his brother by giving him a ball. I mean really, 25 months old and already knows how to canive his brother. I just love, beyond love, how much the boys care for each other. It fills me up and melts my heart!

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