Monday, March 23, 2009

Memories

Please know I have many beautiful new pictures of the boys to share with you but tonight I am taking time for another baby boy. I will post more tomorrow on Austin and Mason
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I begin tonight alone in my room. I feel at this point that where I am at is for me and me alone. I am sad tonight. In short, we have started to landscape our new yard and we will be planting a tree in Tadems honor. I ordered a tree marker and stone to put near it and one of them came today. I knew what it was the moment I got it so I waited to open it tonight alone. The inscription reads:
Precious Child
If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

The actual tree marker with his name on it is on its way and I know that one will be even harder to see. I cried. I relived every moment of that pregnancy and I cried. I grapple to remember my baby. Time passes and virtually no one even remembers. The only person other than me is my sister. I went to her house yesterday and sitting right beside her bed on her nightstand was Tadems last healthy ultrasound picture. The one where he is smiling. I think my sister being there the day we found out he had passed changed her a bit. She is so much like me in that she gets it. Even at 13, she knows that life is precious. As much as she can act like a teenager I know she understands that part of it all. She has his picture by her bed. Her and I are the only ones in the whole world. It makes me sad and yet I know that as alone as I feel right now my baby sister loved him too.

His due date is drawing closer and I don't know how I will feel when that day comes. For the most part I am doing amazingly well. I have found the acceptance that once seemed so remote. I know that he is my angel. I know that he is most certainly wrapped in the loving arms of my Grandma. I know that I will see him again one day.

But I still cry. I still miss what he could have been to this family. I still miss that right now I should be waddling around feeling his kicks and hiccups. I know that God had a plan for his pregnancy and he knew before I was ever even pregnant with him. As sad as I am, I trust his plan. I trust him. Does it mean that I am not walking on eggshells right now, no! I am most certainly a wreck over being pregnant again. Every pinch, muscle ache or gas pain has me wanting to blow into the doctors office for an ultrasound. But I trust him. I am leaving this up to him. His plan for Tadem was profound. He knew what he was doing for me and I find myself praying that he bestow this same plan onto my husband. Not neccesarily in a loss but that the unexpected will teach you the greatest lesson you will ever need to learn.

I prayed tonight for anybody that might be hurting or suffering. I prayed for baby Stellan. I prayed for anyone going through loss. It hurts, its scary and sometimes lonely until I stop to remember that ultimatly I am not alone. I am never alone. I pray that those people know that too.

I plan on writing a letter to Tadem on his due date. A bit of closure. I have yet to write directly to him except a little bleep in a previous blog. I have not let myself go there yet. I wanted to save it for April 20th, 2009. What was meant to be his birthday. Yet his BIRTH day came on a day that I did not know. Jesus came and quietly took him. No signs, no bleeding, no nothing. Only my instinct...and a little extra time to carry him in my belly before he was taken away. It will be hard to write but it's something I have been wanting to do for awhile now and I think I know just what to say.

Life makes no promises and I know this. I have known it for as long as I can remember. I have always loved beyond measure knowing this. Who knew it could be even greater with the loss of a child. I relish EVERY moment that I am here to see my children. I am blessed and so is Tadem. He knows a joy there are no words for and I am peaceful in knowing he is whole and happy and healthy in heaven. That no one can hurt him there. Will I still cry for him? Of course, But that baby lifted me up and blessed me with the most valuable lesson anyone can or ever will teach me. He lead me to God and what more is there...
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Wherever you are baby Tadem, just know that Ma Ma loves you and misses you more than she could ever put into words.



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