Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Missing My Boy Tonight

I guess its bad to be alone after a loss. Dave is out with friends tonight and my living boys are tucked into bed. I miss them when they sleep. Some nights I just want to go crawl into bed and snuggle with them. Since we have moved I have been wanting to do a little memorial for baby Tadem in the front area of our walkway outside. There is a big area there that would be perfect. I think I have decided on a little bench. I can personalize it however I wish but I find myself speechless. How do you put into three lines what you want to say to your baby that was taken to soon? It takes awhile for them to personalize it and then get it back to us so I am trying to get this done but I sit and stare at the screen. I cannot come up with words powerful enough to memorialize him. I want him here with us. I don't want to have no idea what he looks like outside of an ultrasound picture. I was staring at the boys hands tonight as they sat in my lap and my mind just wandered off. My kids are my life. My reason for everything. It's indescribable for me. I think there are moments where I feel I am doing Tadem injustice by being pregnant again. I know that isn't the case but my heart still aches for him. I have such an urge to remember him and make sure that others remember him. I have a need to do unto him as he has done unto me. Tadem taught me so much in his short time with me. I feel like I need to pass that on. I know that no amount of material things that I try to collect to remember him by, whether it be a photo, bench or whatever can depict my love for him. My love for him is inside of me and what matters is that and that alone. He knows, wherever he is tonight, that I remember and love him always. No bench, necklace or memory box will alter that, but I have them all just the same. It's my tangible way to have him with me. That is until he is with me again one day. For now, I know that baby is wrapped in a love beyond measure. For that I am continually grateful...

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