Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Endless Love

So last evening Dave and I went to grief counseling together. Typically I go by myself but we thought it would be a good idea for him to go as well. It was Dave's suggestion and I am very proud of him for wanting to help me through this. As I tend to say, most of my days are great. In fact 90 percent of them are wonderful. Every once in awhile a day of mourning sneaks up on me and I fall apart. Having Dave go with me to counseling was a way for him to gain insight on where I am coming from and how he might be able to better help me when I am down. I won't lie, I was anxious on the way there. It's one thing to open up to somebody that, by law, is required to keep all that you say to themselves. It's another thing to just let it all hang out to your husband. Although, he has pretty much seen me at my worst among worst, it just felt different laying it all out there because I do keep what I am feeling locked away most of the time. I am a busy Mom and there isn't a lot of time to pity myself or open up to Dave about a lot of things. In some ways, I keep it to myself because I know it's hard for him to talk about so I don't want to drudge up sad feelings for him when he is in a good place. We learned last night that the more we talk, the better it will be for both of us. If I can tell him how I am feeling prior to breaking down then I am less likely to break down because I will feel that I have let some of it go instead of bottling it up. We also learned that the more Dave can talk about the loss of Tadem with me, the more I will realize that he acknowledges and accepts that Tadem was real and I won't feel so alone in this. Grief is a hard thing for anyone but men and women deal with grief so very differently. It was wonderful to have someone on the outside of this journey looking in, giving us ideas and coping tools. It is obviously very different for us to try and deal with it when we are both so raw from it. It has been 3 months now. I have made great, great strides in this healing process. I have accepted that Tadem is gone and that there will be a day when I will meet him again. I have accepted that Dave is going to handle this much, much differently than I will. I carried the baby and therefore my attachment will be greatly different than Daves and I know now that this is o.k. I am very happy with how our session went and felt that we were given wonderful tools to continue guiding us as a couple and as a couple battling a loss. I know there will be days ahead, especially as I near what was to be my due date, that will be hard for me. Even now I look at my flat (well almost flat, I have had two kids =) belly and wish it were round and hard and filled with Tadem but I know that is not what was meant to be. My life has continued on and I have dealt with this much better than I ever imagined I would. I am thankful to a husband who has never, even for one second given up on me. I am thankful for my beautiful boys who continue to make me laugh on a daily basis. I am confident that we will add to our brood when the time is right and that God will have a very large hand in our next pregnancy. There is fear there, where once there was pure anticipation but I know with my counselor, Dave, the many shoulders I have leaned on these past three months, and God that we will be blessed again someday. This loss has taught me so much, tested Dave and I in many ways but strengthened us in so many more. I will never (well, mostly never) complain about the trials of pregnancy again or wonder how I will make it in those newborn foggy days. For I now treasure those moments taken away to early more than I ever could have before this loss. I welcome the chaos and the abounding love that comes from a houseful of crying, screaming children and I can truly say I am looking forward to trying again. I know Tadem would be proud of me for accepting this and not letting it stop me from giving Austin and Mason a sister =) Wish us luck, for we are now teetering on the edge of the next mountain we are getting ready to climb...

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1 comment:

kay said...

What an absolute beautiful post. I know how true it is, how easy it is to open up to those who aren't close to you and how difficult it is to open up to those who are. I pray that you continue to find strength and peace on this journey.

Tadem is in my heart tonight.

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