Sunday, September 20, 2009

Scared Out Of My Mind

In all honesty, I think I am on the verge of another meltdown. As we head into just over two weeks until I deliver our boy, I am a wreck of emotions. Some days I am so excited, others I am cranky, sad, nervous. Tonight...well tonight I am terrified. I can think of no other word than terrified. I am trying to keep it all together. Trying to be positive. Trying to be brave, but I am terrified. There are so many what if's. So many unknowns. I don't want to be away from my family. I don't want to say good bye to my boys for one day, let alone thirty or more. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to act normal when my whole world has been turned upside down. I don't know how to just sit here and do nothing as we wait. I don't know how to pass the time quicker so we can get this show on the road, and yet I dread time passing because it means leaving my babies. How do I leave them? How do I do this? I have so many amazing people surrounding me and yet I feel so alone. The only thing I want to do is go into the boys room and curl up with them. I want to be able to fall into a deep sleep where my dreams are dreams of things other than another town, hearts, nicus, leaving, delivery, and random faces I don't know. I dreamt I was in labor in a hospital I have never been in and none of my family was there. There were weird nurses and people all around. Clearly my worries of doing this alone and away from home are engulfing me to the point that they come out in my dreams. This is my life's not a bad life, just not what I envisioned. I know I am blessed. My husband sits across from me seemingly worry free. I envy him, he is braver than I. My boys are in the room next to me sound asleep, dreaming peaceful dreams. Paxton is still here with us, it could be worse, this I know. Today is one of those days. I know I will have many of them. I know it's ok, but I still hate them. I just need a good cry and yet I am holding it in, don't know for how much longer I can do that. I think it's time to let it all hang out again.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Peter 5:7

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1 comment:

Kelle said...

Just heard about you through Marsha colbert, a good friend of mine. Tears as I read this. Putting myself in your shoes and I can't imagine your pain, your fear and your desire for it all to end. Praying for your family that the hard part will go quickly, that peace and love surrounds you through it all and that all those mama instincts and all that love comes together in a raging ball of strength to carry you right through it!

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