Scared Out Of My Mind

In all honesty, I think I am on the verge of another meltdown. As we head into just over two weeks until I deliver our boy, I am a wreck of emotions. Some days I am so excited, others I am cranky, sad, nervous. Tonight...well tonight I am terrified. I can think of no other word than terrified. I am trying to keep it all together. Trying to be positive. Trying to be brave, but I am terrified. There are so many what if's. So many unknowns. I don't want to be away from my family. I don't want to say good bye to my boys for one day, let alone thirty or more. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to act normal when my whole world has been turned upside down. I don't know how to just sit here and do nothing as we wait. I don't know how to pass the time quicker so we can get this show on the road, and yet I dread time passing because it means leaving my babies. How do I leave them? How do I do this? I have so many amazing people surrounding me and yet I feel so alone. The only thing I want to do is go into the boys room and curl up with them. I want to be able to fall into a deep sleep where my dreams are dreams of things other than another town, hearts, nicus, leaving, delivery, and random faces I don't know. I dreamt I was in labor in a hospital I have never been in and none of my family was there. There were weird nurses and people all around. Clearly my worries of doing this alone and away from home are engulfing me to the point that they come out in my dreams. This is my life now...it's not a bad life, just not what I envisioned. I know I am blessed. My husband sits across from me seemingly worry free. I envy him, he is braver than I. My boys are in the room next to me sound asleep, dreaming peaceful dreams. Paxton is still here with us, it could be worse, this I know. Today is one of those days. I know I will have many of them. I know it's ok, but I still hate them. I just need a good cry and yet I am holding it in, don't know for how much longer I can do that. I think it's time to let it all hang out again.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Peter 5:7



post signature

Comments

Kelle said…
Just heard about you through Marsha colbert, a good friend of mine. Tears as I read this. Putting myself in your shoes and I can't imagine your pain, your fear and your desire for it all to end. Praying for your family that the hard part will go quickly, that peace and love surrounds you through it all and that all those mama instincts and all that love comes together in a raging ball of strength to carry you right through it!
September 21, 2009 at 1:45 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Happy One Month Birthday Baby Boy

Image
Today our son turns one month old!  There were days when I was still pregnant with him that we were not sure he would be alive to see this day. God, has blessed us. He is here. He is perfect. He is fighting the biggest fight of his life.  Just as sure as the H (home) word was mentioned to us as a possibility in a couple of weeks yesterday, I in turn, got the phone call at 2 a.m. this morning that his heart is struggling.  His heart is working so hard to keep going. It is a delicate balance. One day everything looks picture perfect and hours later it all changes.  I am working on not looking to far down the road, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one prayer at a time. Today our son turns one month old and the alternative makes me realize that I/we can do this. Even though there will be many tears through out this, many angry days, sad ones and joyful ones. I do believe that God has a plan for us and for our son and as we wait to learn what that plan is, I am finding a patience I ha...
Read more

Stream Of Consciousness

Image
I honestly didn’t realize until today why I have been the weepy mess that I have been these last few weeks. I thought I was tired.  I thought well you have five kids and lots to remember. I am prone to anxiety. I worry to much which is definitely nothing new.  I attributed the constant crying to all things other than the obvious, which after ten years one would think I would have down by now.   It’s February.   It is heart month and I don’t mean cupid.  It is real heart month.   The hearts who are sick, broken, healing, or in heaven… We honor, celebrate, recognize and weep over all things Congenital Heart Defects.  I used to be able to post a lot more about it.  I used to write a lot more about it, but I have found as time goes on that well… I don’t have a ton of time for it, but also I think I’ve been avoiding it as well… because after 10 years… words don't come to me like they used to…there is just no time line and I haven’t...
Read more

And he's off

Paxton is out of surgery and recovering. He is heavily sedated as of now, but all went well and doctors are happy with the repair. God is good! Prayers were answered. Today is a damn good, beautiful day. I will update more later. Thank you all for walking this journey beside us ! Update 8:10 am. Just got call they have made the first incision and are working through scar tissue now. He is stable and doing awesome. 7:20 am They have taken Paxton back to the OR. I will update when I know more. Please pray for my boy. ~j
Read more