Wednesday, September 2, 2009

It's Ok Mommy

I have always said how intelligent Austin is and he continues to remind me of that daily. It started earlier in the week when I was just trying to make it through the day and he asked for a snack. I got him one and as he ran off to continue whatever he was doing before hunger set in, he stopped in his tracks, turned to me and gave me a kiss, then ran off never looking back. He just knew... he knew what I needed.
He also, out of nowhere continues to look at me and say "it's ok Mommy." It's as if my little man can sense the inner turmoil, because it is inner. I keep it all inside in front of them. Minutes after they are tucked in bed, it all comes out, but while they are with me, there is nothing for their eyes to see.
I guess the reality of the year ahead of us has really set in. As I try to find a place to stay while I am gone, a car to rent (because my car needs to be here with the boys), get care for the boys, pay our bills and continue on with our daily lives as best I can, I can say I am overwhelmed. I have highs and lows. I am not sleeping. I should be, my body wants to, but my mind takes over. I wake every hour from dreams of nicu, hearts and potential places to stay.
I lay awake wishing that this wasn't happening. Wanting to deliver my baby just up the street and be able to have him stay with me and not be taken away. I want to go into labor naturally and feel the excitement as we run about getting to the hospital. I don't want to be nervous and continually imagining what this is going to be like. I want to go buy my son clothes, but cannot because he needs nicu tops that open so they have easy access to his incision! I don't want to leave my husband. I don't want to leave my boys. I am angry right now. Cranky and then sad. I know it's ok. I know it's healthy, but I want normalcy back and yet normalcy is a long, looonngg way off. When I stop and truly think about it, I CAN NOT believe this is happening...

We have been dealt a crappy card, but one day at a time, together, we will make it through this. My husband is so strong and his patience during this has never faltered. He gently picks me up when I fall and reminds me that this is a test and we will pass. Our dear friends have endlessly offered to help in whatever way they can with child care, some even flying from out of state. The boys swim instructor will continue lessons in my absence and " just come get them from Dave." Others have offered to help keep Dave caught up at the house (which will be much needed, let's face it, he is a man = ) Our babysitter, whom has become a part of the family, has already stepped up to bat and taken the boys home from school while we were in St. Pete as well as staying overnight if needed. She, too, will help give Dave a break in the evenings with all of the Mommy duties he will take on. Fundraisers have been brought up as a possibility to help with funds that are no doubt going to knock us off of our feet. Prayer requests have been put in at church's everywhere. People that I don't even know have shown kindness in ways that brought me to my knees. Jennisa, who designed our blog (Once Upon A Blog) had it up and running the very same hour I emailed her letting her know I was ready to share the we were having a boy. I ordered bracelets that say PRAYING FOR PAXTON on them (if anyone wants one, get in touch with me) and the site told me it would take 3 to 4 days to get to me. I let them know our situation in a tiny little memo at the bottom of our order and that I had hoped to receive them before our first visit to St. Pete. I placed the order at 1:30 pm on a Thursday and they were on my doorstep by 10:00 am the very next morning. My new friends over at Baby Be Blessed make handmade dolls and lambs with a bible scripture on them. I had previously known about them and decided to get one for Paxton to put in his isolette. When I went to their site it said they were overwhelmed with holiday orders and could not take any more. Once they heard about our story, they offered to make one for Paxton. I am humbled by the kindness that has been extended to us. Thank you just does not seem enough. It lifts me up when I am at my lowest and reminds me that as hard as this is going to be with friends, family and some days people I don't even know, we will make it.

Paxton is kicking me as I write this, he's probably saying GO TO SLEEP! He is still in my belly. He is still here with us and last week at this time we did not know if he had any options. Today, we know and I must continue to focus on the big picture. The big picture is getting our son home and a year from now having him on my lap, laughing and smiling as his brothers run circles around him. He is a miracle baby. It's a miracle that his heart, that has worked so hard all of this time, just managed to rear it's ugly head and yet just in time. As I have said before, I may fall down in a heap of tears, but I will get up. For Paxton. For my husband. For Austin and Mason.

"It's ok Mommy" and it will be...

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