Friday, September 4, 2009

Falling Down

I had an appointment yesterday with our specialist here in town. Paxton continues to do well in spite of his struggling heart. There is a small amount of fluid that has formed and we are keeping a close eye on it, as this is indicative of heart failure, and he will need to be delivered. I will be rechecked on Tuesday to be sure that the fluid is not increasing. Please pray that it remains the same as we really, really need to keep him in as long as possible and right now is just to early. We really want to let him grow about another 4 weeks.
I have mentioned in several previous posts that I may fall down in a heap of tears, but I WILL GET UP! Well, tonight was one of those times. I lost it. I yelled. I cried, no...sobbed! I sat in the shower and let it all hang out. Ugly, messy, heartbroken sobs. I knew it would come, I just didn't know when. It's been a heck of a week. To be honest, I can't believe it's only been 4 days since our first trip to St. Pete. It feels like forever ago. I have lost 5 pounds ( I am eating, I promise, but stress does things to you) I am not sleeping and my mind would win medals if thinking were a race. I am still quite dumbfounded at the way our lives have changed so drastically in a matter of seven days. I have gone from stay at home Mommy trying to come up with new and exciting things to do, making dinners, running errands, here there and everywhere to stay at home Mommy desperate for every second with my boys (all 3 of them) before I leave for so long, doctors appointment here and doctors appointment there, never ending list of things I can't get to, falling in a heap of tears at the end of the day.
The shower helped. I let the water do it's job and when I was good and ready, I got up! I told you I would and I did. I have no doubt there will be many of these nights ahead. We have a long and scary road ahead of us, there is no denying that. I am fine losing it if I need to, I am not in fact super woman! I do the best I know how with the card I have been handed. I sit on the other side of losing it knowing that I can do this.
A wonderful friend has the ball rolling on a fundraiser for our son, yet again kindness that brings me to my knees. When she called today to tell me I, well I...couldn't stop crying. (There's a shocker for ya = ) Are we struggling financially now? No. Simply put, my husband works his you know what off to provide for us. However, the mere thought of what lies ahead in bills is enough to put me over the edge. 3 open heart surgeries in two years and all that will entail is going to hit us hard. I am humbled by how loved our son is already. Thank you Kimmie and Andie!
Our photographer, who has taken all of the amazing maternity, newborn, family photos many of you have seen, know and love around our house called today to also bring me to tears, good ones, of course. She was here the week before we found out anything was wrong to do maternity pictures and has a sneak peek up on her blog, click on the title of this post and it will connect you to her blog. The sneak peek is amazing, so please head over to see them. They are SO The Wild Wild Wests!
What she called to talk to us about was for something much more. See, we already had plans in motion for her to do Paxtons newborn portraits, but those will not be happening for obvious reasons. So, she asked if we would like her to come to St. Pete and take pictures of him that first week before he goes to surgery. The plan is to spend a lot of time bonding and feeding him before surgery and I just know that Terrilyn (Life Expressions Photography) will quietly come in and capture the most precious of moments with our boy. Thank you Terrilyn for being there for us, yet again, at a very difficult time in our lives and for giving us tangible memories.
Thank you also to Bobby, a long time family friend, for offering to help find me a place to stay in St. Pete. Your thoughtfulness means the world!
Dawn is hard for me. Each day I wake up and remember that I am not dreaming. This is real and it's happening, very soon. Yet each day I am also blessed with people willing to go above and beyond to help and care for us. Each time that I fall, someone is there to pick me up in some small way. It's ok to be angry, it's ok to be sad and it's ok to grieve for what I imagined this to be, so long as I get back up. Life moves forward whether I want it to or not so I have to hop on board and take it as it comes. So far, so pretty darn good I think...

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jennie, I remember my first dawn after my world shattered and know how hard it is for you. I try to remember the glory of the rising sun and draw strength from the magic and glory it brings. I pray that our angels will hold Paxton safely until he's born and guide the hands of those who are to care for him. I am always here for you, Dave and the boys...anything... errands, help with the fundraiser or a giant box of Puffs to wipe your tears. LoveU, Missy

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