Tuesday, September 15, 2009

"Birth" Day

We spent another long day in St. Pete yesterday checking up on our boy. The first of many appointments started at 8:30 in the morning so Dave and I drove up on Sunday night in an attempt to get a good nights sleep. I, myself, was exhausted, but was unable to shut it all down. There's something about being there that gets my mind going. I lay there in the wee hours of the morning begging my body to let it all go, envious of my husband who was out cold beside me. I am envious of a man's ability to shut down his mind at any given moment. No matter what may be happening in our lives, my husband can lay down and let all the weariness go. It's a man thing I know, and as the minutes passed by like paint drying, I wished more than ever that I was one. When morning finally made it's way to us we headed to meet the perinatologist who will be delivering Paxton. We really like him and set an induction date for October the 8th. I was suddenly extremely nervous and excited all at the same time. I can't believe it's as close as it is. As I sit here writing this, it feels like an eternity away, and yet it's already been three weeks since we found out about Paxtons heart and that seems like yesterday. We followed up with Paxtons heart surgeon, whom we had not met yet. While he did not sugar coat anything, throwing out statistics and problems that could arise, mentioning how complicated these little heart babies can be, we did in fact love him. I left feeling pretty rattled and exhausted. Lastly, we met with his fetal cardiac specialist who rescanned him for the second time that day and he reconfirmed his diagnosis and said he would see us in three weeks for his birthday. Finally, we toured the cardiac intensive care unit. I don't know what I expected... I have been in the NICU before when my sister and brother were born. I felt like I had seen it all, but here we were talking about my son who was going to endure open heart surgery within one week of his life. I saw all of these seemingly lifeless babies fighting for their lives as family members hovered around. It was like nothing I had ever seen before and the sobs escaped me. I held one of the many folder of information I had been given over my face in an attempt to compose myself, but I could not. My son would be joining these babies in just a short time. In a matter of weeks, it will be me leaning over the isolette showing my son as much love as possible via my hands until I am able to hold him. In hind sight I am glad that I saw what I saw yesterday. I need to be as prepared as possible. I am pretty confident that my first visit to Paxton in there will probably have me in a heap, no matter how prepared I try to make myself, but at least it may not last as long having seen it before. I am still reeling from the dramatic change our lives have taken in this past month. I know there is a purpose in all of this, and as I wait to learn it, I pray for my baby boy! I pray that all he is about to endure goes as smoothly as possible and I pray for the strength I need to stand by helplessly, watching it happen.
We did reconfirm that he is a Mason protege with those ever so loveable chubby cheeks and pudgy nose. He is also into yoga like his Mommy (well like his Mommy was before she was to pregnant to bend over let alone practice crow) and we know this because feet were to forehead for his entire scan. Then she showed us his hair and when I say hair I do mean hair. The child is a chia pet! There wasn't just peach fuzz sticking up, nope, we could see hair literally floating in all the amniotic fluid! It was hysterical!
I sat in the bath tonight rubbing my belly realizing that there isn't much longer that I will be rubbing it. It made me sort of sad. I love being pregnant. I will miss it. I think I will miss it even more now because of the deep attachment I have to this pregnancy after our miscarriage and now the deep attachment to this little man who has fought so hard all of this time in me. Together, he and I, made it! I helped him and he helped me. A miracle beyond miracles and now we are going to fight for just one more and that is to allow the doctors to transform the right side of my sons heart to do all of the work that the rest of us have two sides for. Come on Jesus, just one more miracle. Soon, very soon, we will meet our third son. I am so excited!

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1 comment:

Hilary said...

I can't imagine the emotions you experienced as you walked through the NICU....
Words escape me except that I am still praying. Paxton will pop into my head from time to time and I pray for him.
Oct. 8th certainly is soon and I can't wait to meet your little miracle :)
I'm so glad Paxton is in the Palm of God's Hands. The safest place to be.
Blessings to you, friend....

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