Thursday, March 25, 2010

As the days roll closer to my boys surgery, I find myself avoiding calendars and knowing the date.  I just want to pretend it isn't as close as it is.  I woke up yesterday in a foul mood, it happens sometimes.  I was/am scared, even a little angry and it was obvious.  Anyone who knows me well knows that my anger turns very quickly into tears.  I walked over to Paxtons cradle, stared at him and sobbed. He's so gorgeous and perfect and I sobbed for all that he has been through, all that he is about to go through and all that I cannot change.  My heart overflows with so many emotions for him, above all love.  He's my baby.  He's 17 pounds, big for him, but still a tiny little man.  He's so innocent. With zero idea what lies ahead and while that is essentially a good thing, I just feel like I am a bad Mom for having to hand him over to have his chest opened up again.  The bones that surround his little heart are held together by wires that will be clipped open so doctors can once again operate on his heart, which by the way is the size of his fist... They will wire him shut again after that until next time. Yes, he still has another one after this. Yesterday, it just wasn't fair to me, today it is what it is. I fluctuate constantly and I imagine that's normal.   I do what I can to keep busy. My house is spit shined clean. I couldn't stop this morning. He was napping so I cleaned and cleaned because if I kept cleaning then dangit I didn't have to think. Sometimes, I just want to shut my mind down, if only for an hour.  I cling to him, smother him in my kisses and love.  Wanting him to know j.u.s.t  h.o.w. deeply in love with him I am. He feels it, that I do believe. For all that he has and will be forced to feel in his mere six months of life, if I can make him smile, giggle and calm then I guess I am doing what I am supposed to do. As helpless as I feel, when he follows me with his eyes walking around the house and when he cries when I leave the room I realize that while I may feel out of control in this situation, he is just as in love with me as I am with him.  That, above all makes this all ok. He still loves me. He knows I would change it in a second if I could.  He, my old soul, knows more than I do.  It's almost like he knows how this will all play out. I look into his deep, knowing, big blue eyes and it all melts away. Its just the two of us doing our best to trust in the road that lies ahead.

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Crystal said...

I remember feeling the exact same way. It is so hard, words just can't describe everything you are going through. Thinking about you!!! My daughter has Tetralogy of Fallot and had surgery in May of last year.

Praying for you all!!!

cici said...

very sweet post and adorable picture.
You are both in my prayers as well as the surgeon who will mend your little sweetheart.

The Edin Family said...

LOVE this picture. You are doing an amazing job. I am praying. Love you.

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