Sunday, October 18, 2009

Utterly Torn

So everyone says I am so strong and right now I feel everything but that. I am going to write this post, because what we are going through as a family right now is real life and it sucks and this is my outlet so I am going to let it all hang out. Tonight I will post on our amazing weekend as a family, but for right now I need to cry the ugly cry and know it's ok to do so.
The boys just left. This condo that I am staying in was dirty and messy and filled with love, laughter and screams just hours ago and now it's empty and I am alone. I hate it! I hate this! I hate that my son's heart is so sick and he can't seem to settle down right now! I hate that I can't pick him up and make it all better for him. I hate that my family is ripped apart right. I hate that I am not there when my other two children call out for me. I hate that they are sick with colds and I am texting care givers on how to care for them when it should be me. I hate that my life has changed so very drastically in a matter of weeks. I hate how intensely torn I feel each and every minute of my life right now. It's a heavy burden. All of this is heavy! I want to wake up and realize it's all a bad dream and that Paxton's heart is whole and healthy, but I know that isn't going to happen. Life has other plans for us right now and I can't change that. Right now, when I am not positive and feeling down, I try to see down the road a ways and I can't... I can't see what lies ahead for us and it scares me. There are so many things that can go wrong and I am terrified. Terrified of time. How is there to much time some days and not enough on others... It's surreal. This process. I feel like I am an in a foggy dream and woke up this weekend and now I am back in a foggy dream. The only thing that makes me whole while I am gone from my family is looking into Paxton's eyes and singing to him, smelling him and telling him how proud I am of him. I wish I was as strong as he is. I wish this utterly helpless feeling that encompasses me twenty four hours a day would ease. I can't help any of my kids, I can't help my husband, I can't do anything from here. I can't... I just want to scoop him up and run away from all of this, but I can't and I won't. I will cry when I need to cry. Smell the boys blankets that they left in their wake. Cry some more. Pray a lot more and keep on keepin' on. It's what Mommy's do. It's what I do and while I may feel like I've hit rock bottom right now, I am smart enough to know that tomorrow is another day. I am clinging to that and the hope that in the end we will ALL make it through this and be together as a family again soon.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I CANNOT change...




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1 comment:

Hilary said...

Oh, how I hate this all with you! I do...I hate everything you are having to deal with.
Words won't make it better..but I wish I had words to make you feel better. I wish I had words to make Paxton's heart healed.
I continue to pray for complete healing of his heart.
My own heart aching for you...
I am so, so sorry for all you are going through.
"I have redeemed you I have called you by name. Child, you are Mine. When you walk through the waters, I will be there. And through the flame. You'll NOT..no way...be drowned. You'll NOT...no way..be burned. For I am with you.
Fear not...for I am with you,
Fear not....for I am with you,
Fear not....for I am with you,
says the Lord."

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