Sunday, October 25, 2009

Stupid (It's my word today, let me have it)

Whatever happened to "easy like Sunday mornings..." Not in our world. Today is Sunday and it has only become a day of dread for me. My boys just left. My Mommy mini van pulled out with my entire family in it while I stood on some stupid sidewalk in some stupid town that I don't even know. Today, I will warn you, I am angry. I am alone in this stupid condo with toys spread about reminding me that the loves of my life were just here and now they are gone and I am here for who knows how long. I am angry. If you don't want to read about it, which I completely understand, then click on your favorites and move along because today I am angry and since I am alone and have no one to hang it all out with except my computer I am writing. Man have this computer and I gotten close lately. It's a wonder it still types with all tears that have dropped in the keys. Today, I want my life back and until I was reminded by a gem of a friend that feeling this way is only HUMAN, I felt guilty and selfish, but you know what, she is right. It's completely human to want my life back. It was an amazing life and it has been completely turned upside down in a mere month. I am angry. I want my life back. I want my son to be healthy. I want to hold him and not be afraid that I will accidentally pull the iv line going directly into his heart out! I want to lay in bed, just the five of us. I don't want his feet to be purple. I don't want to hear another alarm beep at me that something is out of the "normal" range. What the hell is normal anyway... Normal is being home with two screaming toddlers all day and texting my husband at 3 pm every day to see what his "ETA" (estimated time of arrival) is. I used to do that every day. I love when my husband is home and every day it became ritual to see when that would be. Normal is packing the kids up in the car and going to Whole Foods to get fruit for my "fruit a holics". Simple, silly little things that make up every body's days right now that don't even occur to them are things I crave to have back beyond reason. I want normalcy... and yet normal may not ever be ours again. We will have a new normal. A normal filled with "sat's" and "profusion" and meds and pulse ox monitors and blue feet and doctors appointments and doing this all over again in 5 months hoping we get home for those 5 months before that. I am angry. I am sad. I am emotional. I just had a baby. Did anybody know that? I very nearly forgot that I actually had a baby. I am so consumed with Paxtons well being and getting him healthy that I forgot that I just had him. It feels like I have been here an eternity when in reality I have not. I feel like my son and I are in ground hog day. I can feel the post partum emotions sweeping over me. The hot tears will not stop. I held my boys all weekend and swallowed lumps in my throat the entire time. I enjoyed every freaking minute of it, but that's not to say I wasn't highly emotional about it too. I want to be their Mommy again. It's hard. It sucks. They are tired from going to school full time. I am tired from the emotional wear and tear. Dave is tired from working his A*S off twenty four hours a day! Paxton is tired because his heart works as if he running a marathon twenty four seven. We are all tired. We want rest. We want peace. I want someone to tell me it's ok to be angry. It's ok to not be strong some days. I want someone to get it. I am not positive today. I am sad and angry. I know how blessed we are, I never lose sight of that, but it doesn't mean some days I can't pick myself up off the floor. It doesn't mean I don't get angry over the fight we are all fighting right now. My patience is thin. I am thin, I have to remind myself to eat and drink so that I can feed our son. After all, it is the ONLY thing I have any sort of control over right now. There is like nothing else in the world that I can do for anybody except sit at his bedside and talk to him and pump milk for him. I can't be anything to anybody else because I am here in this stupid town and it is stupid. People don't get it. I look at people and wonder what their story is. I wonder if people can tell that I have such a story going on right now. A woman opened her car door and slammed it into mine accidentally today at the hospital. I said nothing. I barely moved because maybe, just maybe, she is going through something like I am and I could see myself doing the same damn thing. Most people would have flipped out, but really is it important? It's a stupid car. I just wish the world could see what is really important. You want to cut in front of me in line, go for it. You want to leave the four way stop before me when it's my turn, do so. It's not important. It's just not important. What's important is getting through this one day at a time so that Paxton and I can get home to our family. I am not depressed. I am sad and angry. It always passes, but the longer we are here, the harder it gets. Life goes on, I know this and right now this is our life. So, now that I have shared with whomever chose to hang around long enough how I am really feeling today, I am going to pick myself up off this floor (and I am on the floor, it's somehow where I wind up, I don't know why) go pump some milk for my son and head to the hospital. I will lay my head beside his head, just as I did last night, I will probably cry and he will lay there cooing in his sleep. I will smell him and look at his beautiful face and ask God for some more strength for us because right now I am running low and apparently so is he.
I may fall down, but I always get back up.



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5 comments:

Baby be Blessed said...

Love ya...praying!

Hilary said...

feel free to let it all out to us whenever you need...
I feel like I say this all the time to you...that my heart goes out to you and I'm praying for you.
But it's true....
Be angry.
Be sad.
Just be
And we will all be here for you and your family...lifting you all up to our Father.

Blessed Momma said...

I came across your site on the Baby Be Blessed Blog. I'm so sorry you are having to endure this trial. Not long ago we were in the same boat... I felt so torn with our lil angel in the NICU barely hanging on and my 2 year old daughter and husband needing attention at home too. This is our lil' angels site: http://kinsleygrace.blogspot.com/

You have a long road ahead of you, but I promise God will give you the strength to endure! There were and still are so many days I don't think I can handle the life we've been given, but it is then when I see glimpses of God's plan and how he has worked wonders through our tiny miracle.

Heather said...

Beautiful post. You might not think so but it was so raw and real. I think that everyone has felt the same way, maybe not with having a sick little one, but with other issues. I have often told myself that I can't be angry about a certain situation, but why not? I mean anger is a human emotion and I am human.

Caglefamily said...

Hang in their, life will start to get back to normal. I have been in your place, in a strange city, away from your babies, with a little stranger that you love like crazy and are fighting for, but hardly know because all you can realy do is watch from the sidelines and pray. My son Lincoln has HLHS, and we were in the hospile for over two months the first time, he had three surgeries before we could take him home, and then again returned when he was 5 months to do it again. But he is Two now and such a joy, it is all worth it and I'm sure Paxton is strong, I will pray for him and you.

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