Friday, October 2, 2009

Long Overdue

Today I turned 30! I can't believe I have been on this earth for 30 years. So much of my life seems like a movie that I watched long ago. I have definetly come full circle. It has taken time and sometimes heart ache to find out who I really am, but I know who I am now. I know my purpose in life and I am proud of who I have become.

I spent some of my birth day in the hospital checking up on baby Paxton. He is getting pretty big and running out of space, therefore his movement has decreased significantly and it has me nervous. They checked me and he seems to be doing fine. We are so close and I am so anxious. The closer we get the more nervous I get that something could go wrong.

I sort of had a melt down when I was released. I just went to the car and cried. I cried for all that we have gone through, for all that we are about to go through. I cried for the enormous burden my husband is taking on while I am gone. I cried for all that my son has to go through in his young life. I cried at having to leave my husband and children. I cried because I just can't get everything done, because no thank you notes for the boys birthday have been written, for all of the thank you's I owe so many people. I cried because I can barely return phone calls. Some remain unreturned. My time is limited and I am trying to spend every ounce of it with my boys. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel anxious. I feel excited. I feel sorry. I feel overwhelmed with all that needs to be done and trying to accomplish it. I feel drained tonight. Not the birthday one dreams of, but it is what it is and tomorrow night my husband and I will go out and try to enjoy ourselves.

I let it all out in the car and while I am tired now, drained and exhausted, I do feel better. One day at a time, one moment at a time if needed. As the nurse at the hospital told me today, I can do this, because I am a Mommy and I will.

I will update with a better post soon, I just wanted to ask anyone and everyone that I just can't get to, to forgive me and please understand. Thank you to everyone for my birthday wishes, this year the most, I hope they come true!

P.S. Thank you Shelley, for being there for me today in a most desperate moment. I was sobbing with anxiety and you were a true friend in a true time of need. We love you so!

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