Wednesday, October 14, 2009


For all of you Mothers out there, you know what I mean when I say the words "Mommy Guilt"
Well, that's what I am full of today. I am full of guilt every time I walk out of the CVICU and take even a moment to myself. I am full of guilt that I am not around to help my husband and relieve just an ounce of the burden he is carrying around each day now. I am full of guilt that I cannot be home with my two other children who are to young to understand where I have gone. I am full of guilt because the real world doesn't see "our world" and each time I am out in public, the only place I want to be is at my baby's bedside. I am full of guilt because I can't return phone calls to people who are just reaching out. I am full of guilt because I have things I need to do, but the thought of doing them makes me cry, because they seem so trivial now. I am full of guilt when I see my son scrunch his face up as if he were in pain and there is nothing I can do to relieve it. I am full of guilt and it sucks. I have been doing awesome and I knew the day would come when it all caught up with me. I just want it to be a lazy Sunday morning where we all pile into Mommy and Daddy's bed and watch a movie together. I want our life back and yet that is so far away and then I feel guilt for feeling sad. After all, Paxton is here and that is such a gift! I have never for a moment lost sight of that. I am just having one of those days and I suppose I am allowed every once in awhile. I suppose it's normal. We have had a lot of changes in our world in the past week. While we are doing amazingly well adjusting for the most part, there are some days that just overwhelm us. I know Monday was one of those days for Dave and today was my turn. I know we can do this and we will and I truly believe this will only make us ALL stronger. I have fallen in love all over again as I watch my husband try the best he knows how to keep it together, but is really a bowl full of mush over this newfound love for his son.
Paxton is doing good. I was told this morning that "he is doing remarkably well" and while that made me so happy to hear I am guardedly optimistic. I know things with these babies can change in an instant so I am taking it as it comes. He has had very little swelling and only a handful of desats (drop in oxygen levels) that required a bit more intervention. This morning he went back under anesthesia to have his chest that was left open to allow for swelling, closed. He did well with that and has a pretty impressive battle wound to show for it. The picture below shows a little of his scar, I have ones that really show it, but I think this is good for now. Again, I am posting these pictures so that one day, our son can see how strong he is and how far he has come and so you all can see it as well. This child is such a fighter and we are so proud to call him our son!

He is very easily stimulated right now and is having a bit of trouble resting comfortably so they are keeping him a bit sedated to help him rest. They have also put the cover on his isolette to try and keep out a lot of the noise that is constant in the CVICU.

He is still hooked on the ventilator, he still has iv's, tubes and wires covering his body. They are going to maybe, possibly start to wean him off of the ventilator near the end of the week. Let's pray that goes as well as everything else has.
Paxton has acquired quite a fan club since he moved in. He likes to suck on his trach tube and the nurses love it. I have to admit it really is the cutest thing ever. His eyes are open quite a bit and he lets the nurses know when he is irritated with them. This morning he had 4 nurses surrounding him before surgery talking about how cute he was and all I could think of was how proud his Daddy would be if he could see his third son already surrounded by the ladies!
My other two boys need an update too. Austin and Mason are doing well. They are asking for Mommy a lot as they can't really grasp what is happening and why I have fallen off the face of their earth. My heart aches for them so badly! I have never been away from them for this amount of time and it is killing me! I miss them with every ounce of my being. Dave will bring them up to see me on Friday and I canNOT wait! Apparently, the fire truck came to school today and l know that must have made their month. Anyone who knows my boys, knows their love for all things transportation runs very deep. Dave told me Austin wouldn't even take the fire hat he got from the firemen off at dinner. I can just picture him sitting at the dinner table with his hat on his head. My sweet, sweet boys! They have adjusted to full time school well, although a bit more tired. I am so proud of our boys for dealing with all of the changes made in their life. They are both Ma Ma's boys and I can imagine this has definitely hit them hard, but they are dealing with it "remarkably well" Must be a West thing!!!
Change has hit our world head on. Last week at this time, I was still pregnant with Paxton in my belly for just a short while longer. Today, we sit on the other side of that with a beautiful son who has already endured one open heart surgery. In spite of the sadness that consumes me at times, I know we are blessed. We have 3 boys and they are here with us, in just one short week our family has grown yet again. It's amazing how life can change in a matter of seven days. How life can lift you up and remind you what is important. Through all of the tears and guilt, I know this. As I sat in the lobby today listening to a grown man tell his father that his daughter was going to die, I was reminded of our blessings and I will focus on those in the days and weeks ahead. May anyone reading this find their blessings and cherish them!

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1 comment:

Hilary said...

You DO have such a little fighter! I am so, so happy Paxton made it through his first surgery!
I am praying for all of you and think of you often.
I LOVE that Paxton's vitals go up when you hold him...that is so awesome and comforting to hear.
Continued prayers are being sent your way.....

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