The Wild Wild Wests

After a couple days of sadness I am doing much better. I believe a surge in hormones contributed to my mood although those feelings were all very real and hard to sit with. So tonight I wanted to share some amazing photos of the boys this past weekend at a water park here in town. I took them there on a whim with my sister and the boys had the best time. It literally filled me up to see them so happy. Austin is doing wonderful. Although he is struggling with a bit of the terrible two's he continues to be my cuddle bug. His speech has taken off. He has started saying multiple word sentences and does extremely well with his speech therapist. Today in therapy, Austin put part of a puzzle together and when he did, he screamed out "I did it!" with his arms in the air as if crossing a finish line at a race. It was priceless. Mason is talking up a storm as well. His favorite word is tractor and he pretty much calls everything that. He also has an amazing fascination with roc...

Dear Friends, If only you all knew how long I have been waiting to see this day. A long time ago pretty shortly after we lost baby Tadem I found a site that does dedications in the sand to babies in heaven. I sent in a request in December and have been looking ever since. Somehow all of this time, I missed it. I was looking so hard and he was right there all along. Please click on the title of this post and scroll down just a bit, to see the breathtaking dedication to my boy. It saddens me when I go to this website for I am slapped in the face with the reality of the hundreds among hundreds of babies that have gone before us to meet Jesus. Yet, without this site, we Mothers and families would still be grappling to find a way to remember and honor our beloved children. If I could lay down in the sand next to his name and cry I would. ------------------ The sunsets and the stars will continually remind me of Tadem and where he has gone to be. What a peace I have found in finding t...

Please know I have many beautiful new pictures of the boys to share with you but tonight I am taking time for another baby boy. I will post more tomorrow on Austin and Mason ------------------------------- I begin tonight alone in my room. I feel at this point that where I am at is for me and me alone. I am sad tonight. In short, we have started to landscape our new yard and we will be planting a tree in Tadems honor. I ordered a tree marker and stone to put near it and one of them came today. I knew what it was the moment I got it so I waited to open it tonight alone. The inscription reads: Precious Child If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. The actual tree marker with his name on it is on its way and I know that one will be even harder to see. I cried. I relived every moment of that pregnancy and I cried. I grapple to remember my baby. Time passes and virtually no one even remembers. The only person oth...

Seriously, is there anything better....

Although it is early and we are walking very delicately through this pregnancy, we have chosen to be excited and allow whatever God has in store for us to happen. We had a mini scare this weekend. I had a bit of spotting and severe cramping which led me to the doctors office today. After much anxiety I was beyond relieved to see our little baby's heart beating away at 184 per minute. I was slightly anxious about that large of a number as the boys (all three of them =) were all in the 140's. Our wonderful ultrasound tech wasn't the least bit worried and I made her promise that I shouldn't be either. An old wives tale says that the higher the heart rate means a girl and the lower the heart rate means boy??? Not only was the baby's ticker ticking away but "she" was moving! At 9 weeks "she" was squiggling like a little worm. It gave me such hope to see an already active baby, whereas Tadem was not. It was downright amazing to me to see the differe...

This weekend was a MaMa and boys weekend. On Saturday we went to Auntie Ashley's soccer game and the boys had a blast! They were screaming "ball" at every turn and running full speed ahead into the middle of the games with no inkling that they were interrupting. I think we may sign Austin up in the fall. In any case, they wore themselves out! Remember that my boys are not car sleepers. It takes a lot for them to fall asleep in the car and then when they do, they most certainly will not nap once we get home. It doesn't matter if it was 20 minutes or 2 seconds, the power nap is enough to keep them running for hours, much to my dismay. (we won't go into my opening the windows to blast air in their faces or singing very loudly to keep them up stints, remember I am pregnant and will go to great lengths for a nap with the boys) However, yesterday all of the running around and excitement put Austin over the edge and no matter how loudly I sang or how much air blas...

There are moments in life that are downright amazing and indescribable. Like childbirth for instance, I have never done anything in my life that I am so proud of. It IS to this day my biggest accomplishment. There is just nothing like it. Then there are moments that are smaller, without all of the hype and excitement surrounding them. When those little moments happen, you stop and think, wow, that was such a beautiful, simple, forever remembered moment. Yesterday I was buckling Austin into his car seat because he was going on an adventure with his Dad. I told him to have fun, to be good and stay out of trouble and I kissed him on the fore head and before I could get my final words to him out, he beat me to the punch. He looked at me and said "LOVE YOU" Truly, the world, well... MY world, stood still for a moment. It was the first time that my boy had said those words to me without me saying them first. It was clear to me then, that my 2 1/2 year old son had begun to un...

Happy Saturday! Have I mentioned how much I love Saturdays =) I wanted to post a couple of cute moments in the West household. For starters, I mentioned in last post how Mason likes to help Mommy empty the dishwasher. He did it again yesterday and I was able to catch a few shots of my big boy! Since he follows me everywhere, including the laundry room, he also began helping me take laundry and put it in the washer. He is going to make some woman very happy one day! He is such a happy, snuggly, babbling bundle of pure joy. So here he is: my domestic little man I mean look at him! -------------------------------- And then there's my Austin Bear. Although not quite as domestic he is my kind, loving, sensitive, hand holding boy! My kids love of fruit is no secret. We always say they are "fruitatarians" and I spend half my life at Publix getting fresh fruit for them. Anyway, the other day the boys were eating fresh raspberries and they suddenly figured out how fun it was t...

There is our little lima bean! That's what we call them at this stage! We had our first ultrasound today and I knew I was nervous but when I was nearly ready to throw up in the parking lot, I suddenly, realized just HOW nervous. You have to remember the last time I was in the tiny ultrasound room was one of the worst days of my life. I was scared. Scared to lay back down where I was once laying having gotten devastating news! I, did, however do what I had to do and laid down. Almost instantly, the baby was there. Dave noticed the heartbeat right away. He did have a much better view, given that he wasn't laying on his back with his legs in stirrups! We heard the heartbeat; 154 beats per minute. Such a beautiful, sweet sound in and of itself but after losing one and searching for a heartbeat, hearing this ones was like music to my ears. I cried instantly. Good tears this time. Relief and happiness rolling down my cheeks. I am still slightly hesitant to get to emotionally...

Oooohhmm! So I started going to yoga again! This past summer I was in the best shape of my life after months of Vinyasa yoga. Not only was I in the best shape of my life but I was in the best mental place I have ever been. Then we lost Tadem and instead of healing my spirit through yoga, I stayed home and ate. I didn't want to leave my kids or miss a moment of their lives so I gave that up. My counselor recommended that I go back to yoga! She sort of insisted. It's not even that it's about getting in shape (although that helps because I do feel umm...yucky right now) but also about getting in touch with myself. I love how the teachers focus on breathing and leaving all of life's trials and tribulations on the mat! I decided that taking an hour or two out of the day is o.k.. My kids will be o.k. and I will be a better Mother to them if I allow myself the time. I feel better mentally and physically and quite frankly yoga is kind of like grief counseling to me. I ...

Hmmm.... I don't think I really have any Not Me's this week. I do everything the way it's supposed to be done... It's not like I went to get my first pedicure in over a month only to realize when I got there that the hair on my legs could very well be braided! I was not horribly embarrassed! The lady did not mention that I may want to run a razor over the bottom half of my body. My Mother and sister were not in fits of laughter over the entire ordeal! And it's not like I let the boys eat a cookie for dinner at the spaghetti dinner after they refused to eat anything. I would never feel that something in their bellies was better than nothing in their bellies. I am not an anti junk food Mom that gave in to my children as if they might starve after one night of refusing dinner. I did not pray/beg the Lord to grant me just a smidge of leftover energy for my husband. He did not oblige and my husband was not in shock and completely ecstatic. Thank you Jesus for the sim...

I feel like lately that everywhere I turn, there is a story of heartbreak and loss. None that are close to home and yet they are all so close to home for me right now. Even as I sit here in my home tonight watching Extreme Home Makeover there is a story right on the screen in front of me about a family that lost their baby girl after one day with her here on Earth. Ever since I lost Tadem I feel like I have heard and learned about a whole new level of loss and heartbreak. Suddenly, being pregnant has taken on a whole new fear. Delivery has taken on a terror that I never had. I spend a significant amount of time worried and wondering if these are lessons to remind me how blessed I am, or if they are a preparation for a greater story I am scared to encounter or if it's simply that one loss leads you to others losses... I am scared. I am scared to be pregnant. I worry about endless things now where once there was such joy and anticipation. I always say once you know, you can...