The Wild Wild Wests

I guess its bad to be alone after a loss. Dave is out with friends tonight and my living boys are tucked into bed. I miss them when they sleep. Some nights I just want to go crawl into bed and snuggle with them. Since we have moved I have been wanting to do a little memorial for baby Tadem in the front area of our walkway outside. There is a big area there that would be perfect. I think I have decided on a little bench. I can personalize it however I wish but I find myself speechless. How do you put into three lines what you want to say to your baby that was taken to soon? It takes awhile for them to personalize it and then get it back to us so I am trying to get this done but I sit and stare at the screen. I cannot come up with words powerful enough to memorialize him. I want him here with us. I don't want to have no idea what he looks like outside of an ultrasound picture. I was staring at the boys hands tonight as they sat in my lap and my mind just wandered off. My kids a...

I am going to make this post short tonight. I just wanted to comment on how very, very tired I am right now. I have even been napping when the boys nap lately and I am still exhausted come 7:30 at night. I welcome this exhaustion and each and every restless, heartburn, ravenous filled day! Our precious and very loved Tadem went to meet Jesus far to soon and in experiencing that loss I learned the beautiful lesson of taking nothing for granted. I give every ounce of energy I have to the boys during the day and come nightfall I hit a wall. I feel badly for my husband for he is a tiny bit neglected at the moment, but I know that he understands and knows of course this is all his fault =) That's what I tell him anyway! I am anxious for our ultrasound next week. I hope and pray that this baby is healthy and makes it into our arms whole and healthy. In the meantime I will take whatever comes my way and know that as long as our baby is o.k., I can handle any amount of sleep deprivat...

I have a few Not Me's to share but I wanted to start by saying that my doctor called and let me know that my blood work for baby #4 looks great! I didn't realize my relief until she called to tell me the results. I guess I am just trying to keep busy and distracted until we get past the point where we lost Tadem. In any case, that is one hurdle jumped! We will go in for an ultrasound on March 2nd. I am anxious and ridiculously nervous. It's all hard to grasp because Tadem was perfectly fine at this point during his ultrasound so I guess it's just a waiting game until we pass 16 weeks. I continue to pray and hope that God will bless us with a beautiful, healthy baby come October. I will keep you updated. ------------------------------------------------ Not Me Monday! Aww... the ability to share all that you have NOT done. The ability to realize that we all have our moments and that sharing them may very well be the best way to laugh about it! I was NOT in such a hur...

I feel like today was just an ordinary Friday but so many little things made it wonderful! For starters, the boys are on the mend. Still a wee bit tired but eating again and playing much more frivelously. Secondly, I had to go get blood work for the baby today. I was slightly worried about taking both boys into the lab where the wait time is typically endless. The wait time was about 10 minutes and in those ten minutes the boys barely said boo! I mean really they were angels! Mason only cried because a baby girl was getting her blood drawn and was obviously crying. Anyone crying very much upsets my Mae Mae. Then we came home and napped together. I have been trying to take little cat naps when I can. It's not often but when I do, I sleep like well... a baby! After naps we decided to play outside. The boys crave the outdoor and would probably spend every minute out there if I let them. It wasn't until today that I finally found another use for our enorumous Christmas tr...

( My nudist and my climber...on any given day the roles may reverse)

Well friends, today was my "honey's" birthday! For those of you who don't know, my "honey" is my husband. It started with Austin saying that every time Dave and I kissed. Only he says it more like "huuunnnyyy" it is so gal darn cute! So, Dave is now "honey" on the blog. Today we made "Honey" birthday breakfast and got him cupcakes on our errands out for us to enjoy tonight. I have to share with you the pictures of my oh' so different children eating them. I don't even think I need to explain which one is "Honey" and which one is me! Yesterday we went out on the boat! My sister came and helped us so much. Is it terribly wrong of me to wish she didn't have to go to school and that she could move in with me and just keep me company all of the time. I just love having her around. In any case, we weren't planning such an outing but the weather has been so great and "Honey" wanted to do someth...

In my last post I mentioned a surprise that I had in store for you. Well, now that the cat is out of the bag here on the home front I figured I could tell all of my blogging friends. Not that there are many but to those who stop by I am grateful. I started this blog after the unexpected loss of our third baby. This blog as silly as it sounds, has been here for me when it seems no one else was. There were times that no one around me could possibly understand the depth of my loss and so I came to my keyboard where there was no judgement. I come to you in a different place now. I have been on my knees in the depths of grief over my baby and now with time and grief counseling I have found acceptance. I will never , ever forget my baby Tadem and I think of him daily but I have also rounded the corner and I can remember without the pain. It forever changed me and for that I am grateful. I am a different person now because of my loss but I believe I am better for it! Today this blog is al...

Last evening was our "actual" Valentines celebration. As many of you may know it s very hard to get a babysitter on Valentines day so we did it a day early and had a wonderful time. I surprised my husband with a yummy dinner at our favorite restaurant! It was so nice to enjoy each others company and talk not only about the kids but get caught up on "adult" talk. I had a nice surprise planned for him and the restaurant did an amazing job helping it pan out! I will let you know the surprise in an upcoming post very soon! I promise. For now we are enjoying sharing it together. This morning I got up with the boys and made them a yummy homemade breakfast of heart shaped whole wheat pancakes, eggs and strawberries. They devoured it and I enjoyed spoiling them. I can't wait for the day that they understand the holidays because then it's on. Here's a before, during and after shot: Tonight we are just hanging out watching movies together, having a nice night i...

Today did not turn out as we had planned. This week we had an awesome week of outings to the beach, music class, etc. Today I wanted to continue on that road and did a little online research and found an indoor play gym about 20 minutes from here. So we packed up and off we went. We pulled into the parking lot only to find out it was closed, for good. A scary reminder of the awful recession we are in. So I pondered where to go next. We decided to go to next and we wound up at an outdoor shopping plaza that I knew had a kiddie playground. The boys had fun romping around on the animals and hiding in the castle they had for toddlers just their size. We continued to go for a long walk around the outside shopping area and I was completely struck by the kindness of strangers. I am not sure if it was the sweat dripping all over my body that made them feel the need to help me out. Pushing two 30 pound children in a double stroller in the Florida heat will make anybody melt, but the fres...

As crazy as it may seem some days in my world, I have to say I just love it. So today, I decided to try and make a Target run before Kindermusik. Well, no, I HAD to make a Target run because I am SOOO out of diapers and wipes and I have needed a hairbrush for weeks now because I have had my old one so long that it literally split in half one day. Or maybe I was so angry that I snapped it in half...hmm... In any case, using my boys fine tooth miniature brush just does not cut it on my out of control, curly mane! I used to have stick straight and hair and ever since I had children it looks like I may very well have put my finger in a light socket. Anyway, as I was saying, I piled the boys into the car and off we went. Wellll, the moment I unloaded the boys and put them in the Lysol sprayed shopping cart, I find out that one of the wheels is broken on it. I considered for a short moment, unloading them into a cart that might actually move, but decided that was way to much work and t...

Since there are no words...

It is quite amazing how the time passes by and I realize I have not blogged in quite awhile. Every day I think about it, know that I need to do it but will not take that time from my children. Then when the day turns to evening and the children are tucked away in bed, I have every intention of sitting down with my computer but I fall asleep. There were days nearly three months ago where sleep would not come. I would beg to get just a couple hours of sleep and now I can do nothing but sleep. I no longer stare at the ceiling crying for my Tadem who was taken from me much to soon. I no longer become anxious as I attempt to rest my weary head. I sleep and let me tell you, it is amazing! It is said that time heals a broken heart and I can say that it has. There are days where I wish I was waddling around with a big belly full of Tadem, with only 2 months until we were supposed to meet. It's just that I know Tadem was not meant to be here with us on Earth and I have accepted that. T...

So last evening Dave and I went to grief counseling together. Typically I go by myself but we thought it would be a good idea for him to go as well. It was Dave's suggestion and I am very proud of him for wanting to help me through this. As I tend to say, most of my days are great. In fact 90 percent of them are wonderful. Every once in awhile a day of mourning sneaks up on me and I fall apart. Having Dave go with me to counseling was a way for him to gain insight on where I am coming from and how he might be able to better help me when I am down. I won't lie, I was anxious on the way there. It's one thing to open up to somebody that, by law, is required to keep all that you say to themselves. It's another thing to just let it all hang out to your husband. Although, he has pretty much seen me at my worst among worst, it just felt different laying it all out there because I do keep what I am feeling locked away most of the time. I am a busy Mom and there isn't a...

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