It is early morning.  As exhausted as I am, as much as I know I should be sleeping, I can't.  My mind just will not shut down. Paxton is now sleeping with me in our bed instead of his cradle and I find myself just staring at him. I kiss him constantly and he shuffles and sighs in his sleep when I do. I am hoping if I just come to this dang computer that has been here for me from the day we found out he was sick and let it all out then maybe my mind will rest. I am terrified. I know this isn't the worst of the three surgeries, but it is still open heart surgery. I know recovery is said to be quicker, but I cannot stop the what if's. Paxton has me wrapped around his little finger like no other.  I can't explain the dependency that is there when you have a sick child. I can't explain how not knowing if we would ever see him be born makes you never take a moment for granted. How knowing that one day at a time is all you really have. I am told he will be significantly stronger after this surgery. He won't be nearly as blue and he will have a lot more energy. I am happy for him to feel better.  He is so extremely stoic, my little man.  He only melts around 7 at night and I am guessing it's because he is due for all of his meds at 9 and just starts to not feel well come then. He is the epitome of strength and that blows me away. How did I get so lucky to be blessed with this amazing little boy...He teaches me so much every day and when I look at the one dimpled smile that spreads across his face every time he sees me, I think this can't be over yet. Paxton has so much to give and he will be just fine. While I clearly can't stop the thoughts that cloud my head and scare me out of my whits, I try to keep it together for my other two boys and for my husband.  We have big plans, our little family and Paxton will be right in the thick of them. He has to be...

What a gift.  

What life lessons.

What a purpose.

What strength.

What overflowing pride.

What all consuming love...


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Easter post coming soon, I promise, cause I know ya'll are on pins and needles waiting for it ; )

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Comments

The Simmons Family said…
While the time leading up the Glenn is torturous... it's SO nice to get it over with!! It doesn't make it any easier to send him to the OR though. :( It stinks, but he'll do great!!
April 7, 2010 at 10:45 AM
cici said…
Paxton WILL be just fine and healthier than ever!
My prayers are with you too for peace of mind.
April 7, 2010 at 2:26 PM
Neha said…
Paxton will be fine and healthy very very soon....prayers work miracles and with such a great family as yours, things will be fine sooner! Keep heart...we all are praying for the little strong man of yours!
April 9, 2010 at 5:29 AM
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