Monday, February 8, 2010

I don't know what to title this...

I started this post earlier today with an entirely different title and theme in mind.  As life would have it,  that has been postponed and I am going to once again be raw and real.  I have been reveling in how amazingly well Paxton has been doing and keeping my focus on that as best I can.  So, today when we were outside in the driveway for a little play time and I noticed his lips turning blue, I jumped up to assess him.  I ripped his socks off to see completely blue/purple feet.  I ran him inside to get a better assessment of him.  While he was pale, blue around the mouth with a low heart rate (for him) his oxygen saturation was normal (for him) I took a deep breath and tried to refocus. I got the boys in and ready for dinner, we settled in and got ready for bed.  I hadn't realized quite how deeply the event struck me until I went to rock him to bed.  I just started sobbing. I held him to my face and smelled him, sang to him and loved him. We must have sat there for over an hour.  He listened to me and eventually fell asleep. I just couldn't put him down. To many things were running through my mind.  To many what if's. To many scary thoughts.  I have done this here at home to this extent only a handful of times.  Tonight, was harder than I can ever explain. As I rocked my youngest son in the dark, I was overwhelmed with what lie before us in just a little over a month.  I have fallen so deeply in love with this little man who fights to be here with us every single day and I cannot imagine a day without him.  It's not a road I want to think about, but the reality is he will be having open heart surgery and the fear that envelopes me is paralyzing.  So tonight I melted.  Melted like I melted when I found out he was sick in utero.  I remember the night that I sat in my shower with my big belly and let out all the fear that I may never meet my son or that he may die shortly after birth fall out in waves of hot tears.  Today the tears were tears begging God to keep him safe and here with us.  I begged God to please allow Paxton to continue teaching us all not in his passing, but in his living.  For he is such an AMAZING teacher.  While I know all the worrying in the world won't change his ultimate destiny, I look at him and the worry washes over me come hell or high water.  He is a part of me. He is my life. How do I not worry. How do I not panic. So I allow myself the meltdown that I need.  Trying to push it all aside only makes it worse in the end. So I cried the ugly cry and allowed myself the time that I needed.  I prayed and even begged, but whatever is meant to be for my little man is meant to be. I will spend every precious, God given moment smothering him in my love and every moment aside from that praying that God allows him to come out of this stronger than ever before.  While the tears flow freely tonight, while the overwhelming powerlessness I feel paralyzes me I HAVE to trust in his purpose here on Earth. He was born and continues to thrive each day to show us what a miracle truly is.  I have to trust in that...




God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change...

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3 comments:

Gretchen said...

I can not even begin to understand your personal fears, I only know the ones God has given me in being the mom of my special boy. But you have it COMPLETELY right sister, lean on God, cry to God, scream at God if you want to and ulitmately fall in His hands for the journey ahead!

Praying peace over your heart tonight <3

~Jamie Kubeczka~ said...

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and your family. I know things have got to be so hard on you and I can only imagine your thoughts and feelings. Little Paxton is such a cutie and is really getting big! I pray that this hurdle will all be over very soon and he WILL come out ahead.

Kaylan said...

Dear sweet, loving, healing, miraculous God, Please give Jenn the comfort that she needs from You. Thank you for holding her and Paxton during this time. Give her the promise of tomorrow and the comfort that everything is in Your hands. Allow her to enjoy her sweet baby boy. I ask that you guide the doctors' hands even now, and their minds as they prepare for the upcoming surgery. We will be praying until then, during, and after the surgery. Thank you for all of your many blessings, thank you for Paxton, and thank you for Your perfect Son and Your great mercy. We love you. In His name, Amen

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