Thursday, February 18, 2010


First off I would like to thank my readers who continue to fill me up with their encouraging comments.  I have been contacted personally by more than a few of you. Many of you whom I had no inkling were even reading my random thoughts and feelings. It more than fascinates me why someone would stop and continue reading about us when they don't even know us and yet I do it too. There are a handful of blogs I follow, big blogs mostly and a few personal near and dear to my heart blogs, and to know that I have people that I don't even know that have "stumbled" upon us and reach out to us is heart warming. Thank you. Each and every one of you who choose to stop by whether silently or otherwise.  I think our story is kinda neat and while this blog just started as a journal it has become a pathway to so many other things and I am just so grateful. 

I have always been known as super sensitive. If you asked my parents that question they would surely laugh, it is the many moments they have found me sobbing over something insignificant in my younger years that would lead them to do so, but then there was the time in high school after I just finished a run with my Dad and we headed home via the interstate. We pulled off at the exit to our house and there at the stop light on the side of the road was a homeless man and let me tell you he was homeless.  There again, I turned my head and started sobbing. I didn't want the man to see, but I was begging my Dad to give him money. He did not, instead we gave him food.  If I could have packed that man up and taken him home I would have.  Not a typical self absorbed teenager move I suppose (although I had many self absorbed moments, don't be fooled) it's just that I have always been sensitive. I don't know why. Many of us would say it is the hardships we have endured. I could say it was my Grandmas, the woman who was very literally my Mom, looong battle with leukemia only to lose in the end.  Or I could say that it's because my Mom chose to leave my 21 year old college going Dad alone with a tiny baby. Or watching my Dad (the man who raised me and stuck by me when most men would high tail it) cling to life at the not so ripe old age of 39 having suffered a massive heart attack on the side of the road after practice one day. Hearing that he died twice and was brought back to life twice via CPR as they waited for ambulances to arrive.  I could blame watching my Grandpa suffer through lung cancer and ultimately losing that battle for my sensitivity. 
I don't. 
Quite frankly, I don't believe in using our life's experiences as excuses for the way we are like so many people do.  While they may shape us, it our ultimate choice to learn from them or use them as a crutch.
I am sensitive. I always have been. I am willing to bet I was a babbling mess of a 4 year old crying over the stray kitty on the side of the street sobbing that we just had to take it home. Oh wait, that was me.  Life gives us what my Dad would call "curve balls" and when a curve ball comes he would say "HIT IT!" He did, I did, we do!  So while the tears are never ending at this point in my life. While looking at my sons smile will turn me into Niagara falls in less than a second. While hearing that Shaun White endured two open heart surgeries before the age of one this morning after watching him perform last night had me go through an entire boxes of tissues, it really is nothing new in my life. It's just I feel like I notice the ebbs and flows more than I ever have. I look at Paxton and think "old soul" I look at Austin and think the same. It's no wonder, they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Being an old soul is awesome and while it requires many Costco size supplies of Kleenex, it always keeps you centered.  While I have had my fair share of fun, I would always come back to what really mattered in life. I attribute a tremendous part of this to my Dad who really ingrained that in my head. If I thought I had problems as a child or teenager, ironically he would say to me " there are children fighting for their lives in hospitals all over the world, now do you really think this is a problem." Of course I was no fool and the light bulb would go on and suddenly my problem was just a little silly speed bump.  Today, I have problems, but I can say through the hot tears that my problems are the best problems I have EVER been blessed with.  I was born an old, sensitive soul because God had a plan for me. I always wondered what my purpose here in life was, even until 2 years ago I wondered, because I wasn't sure if just being a Mom was good enough. I now know my purpose. I now know that the compassion I had for a homeless man on the side of the road decades ago was all leading me to my life today.  My life of living in a hospital many times over, watching people say good bye to their babies. Watching the suffering and still finding hope in this life.
 While this is not easy. The nightmares continue. The panic continues to set in. The tears ebb and flow as easy as I breathe in and out. I know NOW that I am here to be a Mom. A Mom to an insanely sensitive, super intelligent, sensory/speech/walking delayed little 3 1/2 year old who rocks my world.  A Mom of a wild, free spirited, fearless, kicking, hitting, screeching, love with all his heart little 2 1/2 year old. A Mom to baby Tadem in heaven who was sent to us to be his brothers guardian angel, and just in time = ). A Mom to the happiest, smiliest, half a heart, kidney refluxing into his ureters, feeding tube, 13 meds a day, bubble blowing, kicking, strongest, blue eyed, fighting man I know! I am a MOM and there isn't anything I would rather be.  It's what I have always wanted from the moment I had my first babysitting job, I just knew. God graced me with my dreams. He tests me. He pushes me to the edge and then reels me back in, but he gave me what I asked for, prepared me along the way and here I am! While I am facing the second hardest battle of my life along side my son. While I may not feel prepared, I am. I may cry, but that's ok, it's what I do and by golly if they aren't healing.  So while many times I feel the need to pick myself up by my boot straps and pull it together I know that it really is ok to lose it, because losing it has gotten me this far! So to all us sensitive, crying, "to emotional", get it together women out there, take it from me, there's nothing wrong with it.  It makes us so strong, powerful and appreciative.  Lord knows I would rather be all of those things than the opposite of them! 
Paxton, while Mama will surely still cry rivers, while I will still panic and never want to put you down; today I am feeling like we got this. You got this! You are my strong, fighting boy. Any time that I have doubted you thus far you have proven me wrong and how dare I doubt these next months! I love you more than you will ever know and I canNOT imagine my life without you or you with your whole heart, because your half a heart beats 95% of this worlds whole hearts and man that makes me sooo proud!  So here's to the next two months. Paxton and I say BRING IT! Lets get it over with and move on to bigger and better things!
Love you mean it strong boy!

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Kaylan said...

I believe it has been brought, and will continue to be...but you handle it with such grace. You are an inspiration. You are a wonderful mother. You are a child of God. I love your heart. I hope that you are resting in His arms and comforted by His love. He is a FIGHTER! I can't wait to see him WIN every battle!! Because Our God has WON the war!! GO PAX!!

The mom of 4 monkeys! said...

Beautifully written...

Lorena M said...

Wow! You are an inspiration, I just don't even have words. Go Pax!

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