Day To Day

To say the least I am a bit creeped out right now. I just went in, as I do every night numerous times, to check on my boys and see that they are snug as bugs in bed and yes... to see that they are breathing. I thought this habit would cease once they are older, but alas, it has not.  So, I went in for one last check before heading to bed (and to write this) and Austin opens his eyes from a dead sleep and tells me, "I want hammer." He says this numerous times so I proceed to cover him with the blanket and tell him to go back to sleep.  I will not lie, I had a moment there where I was waiting for him to turn all scary movie on me, so I scooted outta there and prayed he was just dreaming about the latest episode of Bob The Builder instead of the strange Chucky thoughts that fleeted through my mind there for a second. 

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So it turns out that life with a heart baby is like having a regular baby only insanely heightened.  As I mentioned above I continually check on my boys throughout the night to be sure they are safe and still breathing.  As for Paxton, I can only lay my head at night after doing a full body scan with a pen light so as not to wake him in the dark and try to ease the thoughts that can very easily overwhelm and scare me. What if something happens in the night. What if he stops breathing. What if his heart....it never ends. The worry that I carry around for my older two boys is deep, but the worry I have for Paxton and his half a heart is so very intense.  I try to take myself to a happy place, but man I love that boy so much and the very real possibility that something can happen to him at any given moment terrifies me.  He is such a miracle baby and such a fighter. I believe he will be ok. I believe he is here to teach this family many things, but the profound obsession I have with keeping him safe can be daunting.  I know that I can only do so much and Paxton's ultimate plan is not up to me. So, I allow myself to worry for this is a scary situation we are in, but I also remind myself to just be. To enjoy him, to have fun with him, to drown in that big smile that only Mama can bring out of him.  While I lose a lot of sleep and am growing many a new gray hairs over this boy I wouldn't trade it for anything. Our family has character. We are unique. We are special. We are a heart family and that means something.  Not a moment goes by that you don't realize the fragility of life. Somehow seeing what we have seen allows us to remember this at all times and I think that is the most amazing lesson I can take from all of this!  I am grateful for it.  I know in just a short time I will be thrust back into it, front row seat, as Paxton under goes his second open heart surgery. It's getting closer. I can feel it in my bones. As he continues to gain weight at lightening speed, I am feeling that change is eminent. It scares me for there are so many risks. It excites me for if all goes well, he will be so much stronger from it. I don't want to go back there and feel those feelings again. Just going for doctors visits brings it all back... I don't like it. Its a time in my life that I  felt more than I have ever felt in my life. From sheer terror, sadness, loneliness, love, longing and triumph.  The good, the bad and the ugly, but what I really want is to stay here in this beautiful life at home. Where mundane things like grocery shopping and running to pick up the boys or prescriptions are what fill up my days.  

As I spend day to day in worry over my ALL my boys. I am also learning how to let go and let come what may.  To let come what's going to come whether I fight it or not.  So instead, I try to stop the paralyzing fear and relish the moment.  It's a learning process. It takes practice and honestly it will probably never go away completely, but day to day, moment to moment I give thanks a million times over that we have what we have and that my boys are here.  They are able to wake me for 3 am feeds, touch squished worms in the driveway, fight over trucks, ask me for hugs, splash me at bath time, laugh at my funny voices, coo at my face, sleep on my chest, calm at my touch. 

Yes, day to day is so dang good!