Friday, April 17, 2009

It's Time To Let Go

It seems that I am on Jesus' mind lately, and I am so grateful for that. For I know there is much worse going on out there in the world than what is happening here in my corner of it, yet he continues to grace me with peace and reminders that I am not alone.

Yesterday I received a card from an old friend. Although we live ever so near to each other, we have trouble staying in physical contact. I do, however, know by now that we were destined to be forever friends. Different lives and time keeps us apart but thanks to hard changes in her life and a death in mine I know we are spiritual sisters here on this Earth and ever after. I am convinced, as most people are, that these things happened for a reason and had they not, she and I would not be in the places we are today. What I also know is that if I could take it all away for her I would. Thank you C, if you are reading this, for reaching out to me. Please know that even though time slips away from me, I do think of you nearly every day. Love to you and D.

Then today, I got the mail and in it was a card. Now this card may be one of the dearest gifts I have ever received. So simple yet so unbelievably meaningful. The card was honoring Tadem. She knows the day that looms ahead (2 days actually), Tadems meant to be birthday. She wrote about the impact he had on our lives and that she would never forget. I sit here with tears streaming down my face.

Somebody remembered...

It is a gift that can never be bought or replaced. All I want is for him to be remembered, it's what I have struggled with since he left us, and she remembered. How is thanks ever enough... Thank you, M, for something I have longed for all these months. I will never forget your kindness.

I went to counseling yesterday and she asked me how I was doing with the date coming up. I have been doing really well at repressing the thoughts as they enter my head. Today, I have some anxiety about it. She and I decided that Monday I need to lay Tadem and his story to rest. That's NOT to say forget about him but that it's time to let go of the sadness, to say my good byes, to let go of the guilt and to be happy that he is healthy and whole in heaven. I have an overwhelming need to hang on but I know that it's time.

I miss him today, I miss him everyday... but especially today.

It is a complex mix of emotions storming my body today as I get ready to lay one of my children, theoretically speaking, to rest, then turn around and lay on a table, to see another moving and kicking in my belly. My heart is thick. So full of love for two children (well 4 actually) but one that is gone and one that is hopefully on its way. I am torn between utter joy and loss right now.
I am ready though... I am ready to let the sadness go. When I think of Tadem I want to remember all that he taught me and the joy that he brought me while he was here in my belly. I believe if he could, he would tell me to be happy. So I will take Monday, to let it all hang out, and from there I will think of him and smile. I will praise him for his impact on us and I will find peace in knowing that he will be waiting at the gates of Heaven for me.

As I mentioned above, I did see baby #4 today and h/she was BEAUTIFUL!!!!
Unfortunately, my regular, amazing, ultrasound tech was not there today, I did not know this or I would have cancelled. I got what Dave calls "the Ultrasound Nazi" She was rude, mean and the most impersonal woman I have come across in a long time. She took measurements, maybe said two words to us and handed us a very blurry picture of our baby and sent me on my way. So sadly, I do not have a picture to share with you all. I left sad for her and for the woman she was. To take such precious moments like that from a parent and turn them into uncomfortable ones is wrong.
I can TELL you what I saw though. I saw a beating heart (140 bpm). I saw a big, bald beautiful head. I saw a mouth (open). I saw a baby arching its head back like a big stretch. I saw a tiny heiny like Daves. I saw thigh bones with feet attached that kicked and kicked. My how I cannot wait to feel those kicks. I saw a baby that was alive and I was relieved and ever so grateful. I will go back in three weeks for another ultrasound with my "regular, amazing tech" where I will hopefully have more good news and photos to share. Please, if you like, continue to keep us in your prayers as we walk this journey that is now a little more delicate for us.

The boys are amazing and beautiful and perfect. They started swim lessons again and although they fought it at first, they did really well. Mason is now sleeping in my closet for naps due to the fact that Austin now thinks nap time is a reason to rip every shred of clothing out of the dresser, to scream and keep his brother awake during the whole process. Austin took my (very blurry) ultrasound picture and he hugged it to his chest and said "awww" when I told him it was a baby. I melted like a snowcone. My boys are the lights of my life and as I say in nearly every post, I never go a moment without remembering how utterly blessed I am. Until next time, thanks for stopping by our itty, bitty corner of the world; my whole world...

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