Monday, April 20, 2009

Happy Birthday In Heaven

Dear Tadem,
I have waited to write this letter to you until your "due date." It is here. Today is the day I thought we were going to meet you. Sadly, God had other plans for you. I questioned them at first, fought them and was filled with an anger I didn't know I was capable of. Today, I stand on the other side of that in peace. It was a long road filled with heartache, a loneliness I have never known and more tears than I knew one person was capable of. The tears still fall freely but they are different tears. They are not full of bitterness and rage anymore. I just miss you, that's all. I didn't know it was possible to love a person you have never met, so deeply. I just want you to know that I loved you the minute I knew you were inside of me. I was filled with relief and said so aloud every time I saw you. I look back at my words then and somehow, someway God was preparing me to let you go before I ever heard the words that you were gone. There was a place in my gut that knew something wasn't right. I was and am your Mommy and Mommy's just know those things. I called and asked for the last ultrasound myself and they got me in that same hour. When the doctor could not find your heartbeat, it was an overwhelming mix of emotions for me because part of me knew, I don't know how, but I did. The other part of me always held on to hope and knowing that hope was gone crushed me. I screamed for you. It was all I knew to do. I will never forget the last time that I saw you alive nor the last time I saw you, when you had gone. I wanted to reach inside and hold you. I didn't get to do that. I didn't get to tell you that it was all going to be ok. There were and are days that I think, how do I do this, like right now. How do I write you this letter and get all that I have ever wanted to tell you, out. I could write forever about my hopes and dreams for you. I could write forever about how badly I wanted you and how much I love you. Words don't seem enough and yet they are all I have. They are all I have had since November 11, 2008.
I have been to depths of grief so deep that I wondered if I would return from it, yet I always have. I have questioned why more times than I can count, but in doing so I have found out why. You had a purpose and as I have written so many times before, you accomplished that purpose. God's plan for you was laid out before you were ever conceived and now you rest in heaven an angel, a brother, a son, a grandson, a nephew and most importantly a teacher. You taught me Tadem, the meaning of life. I thought I knew what that was before you and I look back and see how wrong I was. In falling so deeply into despair over losing you I felt I had nothing to cling to, I felt alone. No one could understand where I was. Then, I believe it was you, having gone before me, that guided me to my knees. I prayed, I begged, I sobbed, I apologized and most importantly I learned. I learned about Jesus through you. Did I know before, yes. But not to the level that I do now. I am a changed person having lost you, but it's for the better. I am convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that you were brought here to lead me home. It may not be my time yet but my faith and my commitment in these past months, the months to come and for however long God wills me here on Earth have changed and they have changed so that when my time does come I will walk through the gates of heaven to find you standing there. It is a day I cannot begin to fathom. I don't rush it for I am busy raising and loving your brothers and I know that however long I take, you will be there in the end. That brings me peace and comfort. I know you are happy and whole. I know you are in a place those of us on Earth cannot imagine. I also, know that I will be joining you someday and I will be joining you because you showed me the way. Thank you baby boy for all that you did for your Ma Ma. You are not only an inspiration to me but to others who have quietly shared their love for you. You may not have been here long and we may not have seen your Earthly presence but your presence was and is still here. Your presence will always be with me. I will always have a place in my heart for you and as time goes on and the tears subside, know that I do not love you any less. I look to the sky each night and smile because I know you are up there looking down on us. I pray that you are our angel. That you might watch out for your brothers. That you will tell Grandma and Grandpa how much I love and miss them too. That I might feel your presence fill me up when I am down.
I love you Tadem more than words can ever express. I look forward to the day that I will see your precious face. I imagine you to be smiling. Just as you were in the last picture I have of you. Literally, you were smiling and it sits beside my bed and always will. I pray that you can feel my overwhelming love in heaven. I pray that you know our family and how much we wanted you to be a part of it here on Earth. I pray and give thanks for you. For I would not change having you with me, however short, for anything. Somehow this letter seems so empty compared to what I hold in my heart for you. Maybe you are a little piece of heaven for heaven is incapable of Earthly words. I don't even know what to say. I can't end this, I don't know how. I just know I miss you so deeply. The tears are flowing for you and yet I know the best is yet to come. Until we meet again, until I can hold you again, know that you are loved, missed and forever remembered.

For this momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

Love you, mean it,

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